Did anyone else's descent/ascent into active suicidal tendencies make them actually feel better overall?

[Mistiie]

Ever since I became more actively suicidal, I've noticed I'm doing way better in my life, but not because I'm less suicidal - because I've grown more and more inclined towards it. Some examples would be when I was too meek to talk to people, or talk loudly at all out of fear they'd find something I said weird or that they'd want to leave me alone. When I became a bit more suicidal, I gained a shit ton of confidence. Whether or not I'd attribute this to the fact that I didn't care about other people's opinions on me anymore because if they got too bad I could just CTB, I'm not sure, but just the knowledge that there was a possibility that I had autonomy over myself like that gave me such a confidence boost I wasn't even sure I could have.

Another example would be in similar scenarios with people who might've annoyed me. Some of my friends have absolutely no awareness of what other people think of them, it's almost alarming. I'd wager at least a couple grand they have less self-awareness and cares in the world than even something like a dog. Anyways, as a result of that lack of self-awareness and of what other people around them care about, they can be incredibly annoying or just completely tonedeaf when it comes to social situations. Whereas before I put up with it because, you know, they were my friends and they were kind to me and I felt like I should respect their behaviour, no matter how cringy or infuriating it was to me that they had no awareness, after my suicidality picked back up, I ended up calling them out more on it. I'm not sure why and I did feel kind of horrible doing it, but at the same time it was needed because it stopped quite a few situations from getting too awkward. A more in-depth example was when one of my friends was talking about another's sibling in a really weird and sexual way and trying to make stupid jokes out of it, eventually I just told him to shut the fuck up because it was rude, stopped being funny after the 3rd time they made the joke, if even then, and it was getting on everyone's nerves, despite his weird fits of giggling over his idiotic jokes like an immature child. Again, I felt horrible doing this to one of my friends, but it was needed. Badly.

Anyways, has anyone else experienced this lack of shit-giving in their life? I'd have hardly expected perks of suicidal tendencies, but I'm definitely feeling some if they exist.

 

[stoiccactus]

Oh I 100% feel better (in a way) when I am ideating. Its a way of asserting control

 

[R_N]

Having a "way out" when things get out of control keeps me at ease for sure.

At worst I can just lose it and be in complete apathy and let others do with me what they want.

 

[asleep00]

It's like I can feel a sense of peace settle onto my brain. I've been seeing things in a new perspective and it's so strange, I'm actually less emotional than usual.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, it makes me feel better because I know it'll be over soon. It gives me a certain sense of comfort knowing I'll be gone someday and will never have to wake up ever again. It comforts me to know that I have a "way out".

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I'm sure this is how I will feel once I actually have the means to end it at anytime I want

 

[wait.what]

It comforts me a great deal to know I could get out of here if I needed to.

Shitty past experiences I told myself I was never, ever going to put up with again. The likelihood of that happening depends in part on whether my country just flirts with fascism, or wants to put a ring on that bitch.

 

[Duality]

Yes, I am more comfortable with living life because I know I can end things when I want it too. It's not always perfect and I still have bad days, but I am overall less stressed.

I am also less outwardly suicidal having read a bunch of methods and discussions on here, and actually following through with one. Unfortunately that failed due to some bad luck, but I feel better knowing that I was this close.

 

[thereisthemist]

all those serious considerations, those preparations, those inner dialogues as well as communication with others (i.e. here on sasu) do make one calm down indeed, and frankly calming down helps with bettering things

 

[Manfrotto99]

Yes, there's a comfort in knowing I have control over one thing that no one can take away or stop me from doing. As long as I have my SN that is.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes. In terms of- I used to put so much pressure on myself to succeed in life. To work towards a future I'd feel like I had achieved stuff in. It causes so much misery to feel like you're failing in life and what's more- you're not even sure what you thought you should be aiming for would suit you anyway. It takes so much pressure off to think I could potentially not have a future to have to worry about if I force quit this shit show.