Discussion Did anyone else want to ctb before 18 to keep the good memories?

[snowlance]

I'd like to share this song, as it's very important to me. I recommend the album a bunch, its about a lot of what i talk about. In it 2 girls become friends and have to separate but promise each other they would try to stay kids forever no matter what and if they couldnt, well...

I grew up in a military family, and aside from having to move and lose friends every 2-3 years, I had a relatively normal childhood also minus some trauma here and there I won't talk about here. I've always wanted to be an adult to be free from my parents and do what I want but at around 16 I learned what being an adult is really going to be like. I learned it's just more working for no purpose or meaning and I would slowly turn into a husk of the person I used to be. Everyone becomes more cynical and mean and just live to put food on the table. I always joked about dying before 18 so I could keep all the good memories I have before they're ruined by adulthood and I soon forget about them. But as I got older it became less and less of a joke.

Around 17, I was aware that my mental health was getting worse and had a feeling it was only going to get even worse and I was right, but i kept going. I kept promising "if things down change ill die at 21" then it went to 22, 23, 24 and now I'm 25 and really wish I died back then cuz I can barely remember the good memories anymore. I'm still hoping I get on disability and I can make more memories or just be at peace until I die.

If I don't get on disability, I think the day I die, it wont even be on my own terms. ill ctb impulsively or when I'm not In the right mental state, cuz im too scared to die, but when I'm in a panic attack and there's barely any options left, I stop caring as much and do stupid things.

Does anyone else have similar feelings to this?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I didn't actively wish to CTB at 18 (that came a year later) but I wish I had.

Did you submit an application for disability already?

 

[snowlance]

I didn't actively wish to CTB at 18 (that came a year later) but I wish I had.

Did you submit an application for disability already?

I did, have a attorney helping me with it too

 

[Raskolnikov's Axe]

I had those thoughts and I acted on them. As you're reading this, you can probably deduct that my attempt at hanging failed.

My feelings were largely right. I saw no future for myself. I distinctly remember that day. It was a Friday and I was feeling the happiest I have been in a long time. Just before the class ended, one of the professors warned me that I still haven't redone a mandatory test I had failed a few months prior, which would obstruct me from finishing the year. I assured him that I was just busy and it was one of the things of the top priority for me. I was barely able to contain my laughter. Walking home, I avoided stopping by my mother and father at their respective workplaces. Anything I had to say for them was written in a notebook. I got home and walked past some other family members I don't want to identify due to my paranoia. After a brief, nice interaction, I climbed up the stairs and then again, all the way to the attic.

All the materials for partial hanging were there. I put a stool next to me where I placed a notebook with multiple messages and a list of people to receive them. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a pack of yellow Camels I had been so excited to try for the first time. Still, they remain one of my favorite cigarettes.

I won't write out the details, but like anything else in life, I failed. Survival instinct kicked in just as I was about to pass out. I cleaned up my mess and made myself something to eat. The following week, you could see me wear clothing that would shield my neck from prying eyes.

I was right. There is nothing to look forward to. I'm 21 now, horribly depressed, unable to get employment or move out of a dead miserable hometown of mine. I'm a dead weight and disappointment to my parents. If I knew back then what I know now, I would have smoked another cigarette and then gave the rope another chance.

 

[ogerpon]

I also wanted to CTB before 18, specifically before graduating. I can't remember why the graduating part was so integral to this, but when I got my equivalent diploma and was offered to be part of a ceremony, I couldn't go because I was so regretful that I had gotten this far in life.

 

[sserafim]

I'd like to share this song, as it's very important to me. I recommend the album a bunch, its about a lot of what i talk about. In it 2 girls become friends and have to separate but promise each other they would try to stay kids forever no matter what and if they couldnt, well...

I grew up in a military family, and aside from having to move and lose friends every 2-3 years, I had a relatively normal childhood also minus some trauma here and there I won't talk about here. I've always wanted to be an adult to be free from my parents and do what I want but at around 16 I learned what being an adult is really going to be like. I learned it's just more working for no purpose or meaning and I would slowly turn into a husk of the person I used to be. Everyone becomes more cynical and mean and just live to put food on the table. I always joked about dying before 18 so I could keep all the good memories I have before they're ruined by adulthood and I soon forget about them. But as I got older it became less and less of a joke.

Around 17, I was aware that my mental health was getting worse and had a feeling it was only going to get even worse and I was right, but i kept going. I kept promising "if things down change ill die at 21" then it went to 22, 23, 24 and now I'm 25 and really wish I died back then cuz I can barely remember the good memories anymore. I'm still hoping I get on disability and I can make more memories or just be at peace until I die.

If I don't get on disability, I think the day I die, it wont even be on my own terms. ill ctb impulsively or when I'm not In the right mental state, cuz im too scared to die, but when I'm in a panic attack and there's barely any options left, I stop caring as much and do stupid things.

Does anyone else have similar feelings to this?

Yes, ever since I was a kid I never wanted to grow up. When I was a teenager, I wanted to ctb before 18 so I never had to grow up or become an adult. I'm 23 now and failing at adulting. I've failed to launch or enter the real world life sucks after college

I also wanted to CTB before 18, specifically before graduating. I can't remember why the graduating part was so integral to this, but when I got my equivalent diploma and was offered to be part of a ceremony, I couldn't go because I was so regretful that I had gotten this far in life.

Same! I wanted to ctb before graduating high school and I wanted to ctb again before graduating college. I guess I just never saw myself entering the "real world" or workforce, or actually growing up and becoming a real adult.

 

[Minsu]

Yes, ever since I was a kid I never wanted to grow up. When I was a teenager, I wanted to ctb before 18 so I never had to grow up or become an adult. I'm 23 now and failing at adulting. I've failed to launch or enter the real world life sucks after college

Same! I wanted to ctb before graduating high school and I wanted to ctb again before graduating college. I guess I just never saw myself entering the "real world" or workforce, or actually growing up and becoming a real adult.

I know right.. I can't even imagine to be like 40 or even 30.. age is something that would make me suicidal just by itself

 

[Duality]

I did want to CTB before turning 18, not to keep the good memories but because someone in my situation having a decent future was very slim. I survived a serious attempt and had to recover in the hospital for a little while. Bad luck plagues me, I survived a 2nd serious attempt years later as well but luckily I didn't have to be hospitalized that time.

Even though my life has gotten better overall since then, it's not something I regret doing and if given another chance, I would have planned it better.

 

[sserafim]

I know right.. I can't even imagine to be like 40 or even 30.. age is something that would make me suicidal just by itself

Same! I can't even imagine becoming 25. I'm def gonna check out before then. I just never saw a future for myself as an adult. I can't see myself adulting or being an adult. I can't see myself living past 25 either, that's my hard exit point. I think I'm past my time honestly, I think I was meant to die younger. Maybe that's why adulthood is so hard for me, I was never meant to reach it…

 

[natthebrat]

Maybe not by ctb, but I wish I would've died as a child. While my mental issues got infinitely worse about four years ago when I had to start working, the last time I was genuinely happy most of the time was when I was about 10. If I'd ever had to exist at all, I wish it could've only been during those years and that I could've then ceased to exist just before everything went downhill.

 

[borderline-feline]

My first suicide attempt was when I was 12. I wish it had been successful, and I even wish I had tried younger, before I was 10 preferably. When I was 10, that was when I was fucked over and left with no chance at happiness.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I'd like to share this song, as it's very important to me. I recommend the album a bunch, its about a lot of what i talk about. In it 2 girls become friends and have to separate but promise each other they would try to stay kids forever no matter what and if they couldnt, well...

I grew up in a military family, and aside from having to move and lose friends every 2-3 years, I had a relatively normal childhood also minus some trauma here and there I won't talk about here. I've always wanted to be an adult to be free from my parents and do what I want but at around 16 I learned what being an adult is really going to be like. I learned it's just more working for no purpose or meaning and I would slowly turn into a husk of the person I used to be. Everyone becomes more cynical and mean and just live to put food on the table. I always joked about dying before 18 so I could keep all the good memories I have before they're ruined by adulthood and I soon forget about them. But as I got older it became less and less of a joke.

Around 17, I was aware that my mental health was getting worse and had a feeling it was only going to get even worse and I was right, but i kept going. I kept promising "if things down change ill die at 21" then it went to 22, 23, 24 and now I'm 25 and really wish I died back then cuz I can barely remember the good memories anymore. I'm still hoping I get on disability and I can make more memories or just be at peace until I die.

If I don't get on disability, I think the day I die, it wont even be on my own terms. ill ctb impulsively or when I'm not In the right mental state, cuz im too scared to die, but when I'm in a panic attack and there's barely any options left, I stop caring as much and do stupid things.

Does anyone else have similar feelings to this?

I feel EXACTLY like this, I always thought I would die young I even said to some friends when I was 15 that I would never be 20 but in half a year I will be 30 it´s scary all I wish for is be a child again so when you want to be like e.g. an 8 year old child then 30 feels like 80 years old it´s scary also to see previous friends and classmates become old and balding even at that age I think aging is the worst curse and I have feared and despised it even since I was age because even at that age you start to show some small aging signs the a little crowsfeet around the eyes when smiling.

And I completely feel what you´re saying about barely being able to remember memories I have thought about that a lot lately on my night walks when reminiscing about my life. In the last 8 years I have made only 1 good memory (by the help of drugs) with some friends but that was also 8 years ago so since then I have had no more good memories for 8 years and all the ones I remember I remember less and less the older I get, some are still vivid but I feel like it´s mostly the same few childhood and teen years memories I remember and I think it doesn´t make sense for me to forget them like why would my mind start erasing wonderful happy memories for what? To make room for more of me sitting in my room in front of my computer having no life and I am scared now that if I kept "living I would maybe eventually lose all my memories.
I wish I killed myself many years ago back when I could still remember way more of my amazing childhood, back when I still looked young, back when I had friends who would also miss me, back when I could feel my emotions instead of this apathetic and anhedonic state I am in now this is no life at all.
I am also currently trying to get on disability but got denied they have to test more if I can work which I can´t because of my illnesses but they will keep on testing me.

 

[snowlance]

My first suicide attempt was when I was 12. I wish it had been successful, and I even wish I had tried younger, before I was 10 preferably. When I was 10, that was when I was fucked over and left with no chance at happiness.

What happened when you were 10?

 

[borderline-feline]

What happened when you were 10?

At risk of coming off as TMI, I'll answer. When I was 10, I met a high school boy who started molesting me. He continued molesting me for 2 years before violently raping me. My life was all downhill from there.

 

[Worndown]

That is terrible. There are some terrible people out there. Were you ever able to discuss this and get any relief?