Discussion Did anyone else sit alone during high school?

[JJ53]

It has literally almost been four years since I graduated high school, and I still carry so much anger, sadness, and pain from sitting alone. All throughout my teenage years, and even now as a young adult, I've struggled to connect with many people my age, which I attribute to multiple traumatic experiences as well as depression, which, apparently, can accelerate biological ageing. I remember at lunch I would sit behind a brick wall and try to make myself as invisible as possible, as I felt like a complete loser. I remember people used to throw food at me, and one time, a group of students yelled, "Does she even speak?" Reflecting on this time of my life now, it was probably the most psychological pain I have ever felt. I just wish I could give my past self a big hug... Anyway, I guess I'm just curious as to whether anyone else can resonate with this. I hope you all have a good day :)

 

[IBM0000]

Here's your hug. Virtual hug. To both the past you and current you. Yes, I totally understand the feeling of total loneliness. Albeit it was an all-male high school since gender segregated schools are mandated in public schools.

 

[uglyugly]

Yes, I was always alone. High school was the most miserable years of my life and I would absolutely ctb on the spot if I had to live through that again. I still have an occasional nightmare about school and that's 30 years later. It was a living hell.

I am truly sorry for what you went through and can relate so much to the cruelty from others. This is a little gross, so sorry, but I used to get my period so heavily that despite my best efforts, I bled right through pads and it always wound up on my clothing, visible for everyone to see. Every month. My mom (not biologically related to me) never had the same issue and just treated me as irresponsible. I wasn't. I refused to see a doctor because the one my parents used had molested me, so I just lived with the shame. I almost did cartwheels when I stopped getting my period years ago.

Even now in my 50s, I still can't relate to anyone either. But, at some point I just gave up, now I live however I want. It's quite freeing actually.

Sending virtual hugs. I'm so sorry you were treated horribly.

 

[Hoga]

Yes, I was always alone because I'm ugly, poor and stupid. I'm the most stupid person in the Universe. I don't even deserve to be called "human", because I'm just an awful thing and the worst one. I'm the ugliest thing in the universe.

 

[milknife02]

"Does she even speak?" I've heard that so many times. I graduated 2 and a half years ago. But I was always like that. Once at a summer camp, a group of girls thought I was mute or deaf because I never spoke to anyone. Yes, I also sat alone. All of it was humiliating. I stopped going to lunch entirely, there was no point but it was still all awful. It haunts me.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm so sorry! :( I can't believe they even threw food at you and said such awful words! >_<
Regarding myself, I swapped tables practically every week~ I always tried to be friendly and join other tables, but well, that never happened... Thinking about it now, I wish I just stopped trying and stayed alone, reading Polandball comics for entertainment. I would've saved a whole lot of time! xD After all, I'm not really friends with anyone from high school still... but welp, I never gave up, so I'd get evicted, called bad stuff, and completely ignored repetitively~
I do regret not talking to one other loner tho. I had settled on a table of 2 that lunch period (btw, over the course of high school, we had 16 separate lunch periods, so the happiness of not having to constantly move tables in that period didn't last forever), and I wish I invited her to join~ alas~

and just like the rest of you guys, well, thinking about it now, still makes me very, very depressed~ :(

 

[Ligottian]

I was always picked last for sports.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yeah, I sat alone during high school every single day. I don't think that, aside from outside classes, I ever sat next to anybody in school. I've always been alone and isolated. Nobody wants to even get near me but I guess it makes sense as why would a neurotypical want to be with an autistic person? Especially if the autism is severe like in my case

 

[tenshi天神]

every "friend" I had in hs ended up using me for homework help or an ego boost bc I was nice & loved to compliment people. I often got dumped randomly on the days we were meant to hang out, getting kicked out of gcs & blocked on everything w no explanation. most of the time I hid in the bathroom during lunch because I was too ashamed even to sit alone. it was miserable. the school counselors don't care unless they find you likable. I'm sorry you experienced that, I know how painful it is. I'm graduated now but I still have so much shame & loneliness as a result of those years. it sticks with you even when its over. I hope in the future youre able to have meaningful connections w people who truly love & appreciate you. don't get too discouraged

 

[Surai]

I would sit in the library just reading books and even sat myself under the stairwell playing games on my phone. I would walk time from time looking around seeing who I could maybe talk to well, there wasnt any and I wouldnt know what to talk about. But the kids who made everyday interesting and made us smile and laugh with their silly and funny moments, I thank them because they made each of my days more bareable.

 

[graysme]

You are so real for this. I remember somedays, when the loneliness would get too much, I'd enter my school's bathroom just to sit on the toilet, moving as little as possible so the light sensor wouldn't detect me anymore just to be in a quiet and dark place. I think it has done some damage to me, but to this day I still don't know what the consequences of it are, maybe being on this forum is one of them. Anyway, you are not alone my friend.

 

[ashtoreth]

I sat in the toilet cubicles at break times and would either read a book or play an offline game on my phone. The library was forbidden and others would mock anyone who was alone so I understand you too well.

I also spent alot of time in the toilet cubicles to avoid the break times. Luckily those in high school were safer against others intruding into locked ones just for laughing their asses off at me.

 

[CatLvr]

All the time. But it was okay. I came from a large, very dysfunctional family and it was the only peace I got. I hate it when people try to talk to me.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I can relate, but more in university than high school. It was so emotionally painful to sit alone all the time. Especially when I was surrounded by people sitting in friend groups, joking around and having fun. I still got the chance to have a few of those moments in university, but most of the time I was alone.

 

[EternalShore]

I was always picked last for sports.

who wasn't? So many people were picked last, I'm shocked anyone wasn't! >_<

 

[FlufflesAway]

I also spent alot of time in the toilet cubicles to avoid the break times. Luckily those in high school were safer against others intruding into locked ones just for laughing their asses off at me.

Stall snacking!

When I spent some time in the public school system, yea. I hated breaks because I felt like I had no idea what to do. Always sat alone, or in the bathroom stalls. Picked last for sporting teams. Last to group up in group-work (often get left with other socially undesirables).

Was recently in a very crowded event. Made me realize I don't mind being around other people. I feel the same as if I were alone. I'm practically invisible anyway. People leave me alone. They ignore you. I don't have a clue what to say to people anyway...

The feeling of being inferior, non-human, not likeable is so consuming.

 

[soulsing]

Absolutely, yeah. My entire time in public school in general was spent alone and ignored. I never ate during lunch nor did I ever have school friends anyways, so I'd always go sit in the library and play games on my phone. For group projects I'd either do them alone or with a teacher. It's a deeply painful experience to have gone through, to be a ghost.

 

[maniac116]

Yep!
My 1st day of school my mom dropped me off in my classroom.
When she got home I was there waiting for her. I didn't want to be around all those screaming little people!
And now I'm old & still a square peg in a round world.
Some people just don't belong in this world

 

[fatladysings]

It has literally almost been four years since I graduated high school, and I still carry so much anger, sadness, and pain from sitting alone. All throughout my teenage years, and even now as a young adult, I've struggled to connect with many people my age, which I attribute to multiple traumatic experiences as well as depression, which, apparently, can accelerate biological ageing. I remember at lunch I would sit behind a brick wall and try to make myself as invisible as possible, as I felt like a complete loser. I remember people used to throw food at me, and one time, a group of students yelled, "Does she even speak?" Reflecting on this time of my life now, it was probably the most psychological pain I have ever felt. I just wish I could give my past self a big hug... Anyway, I guess I'm just curious as to whether anyone else can resonate with this. I hope you all have a good day :)

Reading this post and all the subsequent ones is heartbreaking. Childhoods are supposed to be happy and so many people in this thread have not had a happy childhood. It's hard to believe that other people can be so vicious. Bullying should be made an arrestable offence. It isn't a crime at the minute because we are not an advanced enough society. I hope that one day this will change. It'll be too late for everybody in this thread, but it will help and protect future generations.

OP - people throwing food at you, and having to make yourself invisible - it's no wonder you and all the other people in this thread have ended up in a forum for suicidal people.

Here are fifteen hugs, one for each of you in the thread above.



(16 posts but only 15 people as eternal shore posted twice)

I'm so sorry for what each of you has had to go through


Two more hugs for soulsing and maniac116, you hadn't posted at the time I was typing. I hope you managed to find some peace after leaving school.

 

[revontulet]

Very often. I was interested in different things than others in same age group, I had nothing to speak with them. And like many others I was picked last for sports.

Fun fact, i'm still interested in the same things as back then. Almost 20 years later.

 

[InversedShadow]

Very often. I was interested in different things than others in same age group, I had nothing to speak with them. And like many others I was picked last for sports.

Fun fact, i'm still interested in the same things as back then. Almost 20 years later.

Had the same happen to me, I used to me much calmer and more peaceful compared to my classmates, more mature for my age group and didn't really feel the need to socialize with many people, just one or two was always enough, too many was getting overwhelming.
Only when my singular friends were choosing squads I had the pleasantry of being chosen first or second, but just imagine the faces that the bullies or mean guys were making when they were seeing that haha, they were pissed off they aren't getting chosen before me, that Im not being told to know my place and allow others spit on me, because for once it's my friends being the ones to speak first, not some loud shouting quarter intelligent units who didn't know better than kick the ball hard.
Sadly, it was just few times like these, but Im grateful I have ever gotten to go against the guys who were mean to me, and prove them wrong in one way or another!

 

[thislife24]

I am so sorry you've experienced this. I too have when I was in middle school and high school. I remember in middle school I was so depressed and didn't know anyone, so I would just wait by my teachers door until lunch was over. It is a very isolating feeling. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in experiencing this and there is nothing wrong with you.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I usually sat alone during all of my classes (if there were more seats available than students) as I didn't have a lot of friends during high school. I started with three friends (two from middle school and one who I met in high school) but by grade 11 I only had one friend left. I usually sat with said friend during lunchtime but in grade 11 I had to sit alone because our lunches were during different periods. Then the pandemic hit during the second semester of that year and, for the rest of that semester and all of grade 12, I was either at home or only going to one in-person class a day. High school wasn't that bad for me, mostly because I went to a good high school that wasn't super cliquey and most of my peers were either nice or indifferent to me.

I'm honestly more lonely now that I'm in university. I have no friends and I spend a lot of time sitting alone. I don't mind it as I find friendships to be too stressful for me. I don't like having to constantly worry about whether those claiming to be my friends are actually my friends or if they are just hanging out with me out of pity. I also don't like worrying about if they are going to grow tired of me and eventually try to distance themselves from me.

 

[SickNSad2024]

I sat alone in elementary school school through high school. And at work, my coworkers won't let me sit in the same office as them. They tell me to sit in the room across by myself because they claim there are no work spaces in the same room they are in. I told my boss they are alienating me and my boss said 'well you're the type to exclude yourself, aren't you" and I told him that I have attempted to bond with the coworkers many times. Even at meetings, I would sit right next to them...and at this one meeting halfway through, I got a text message saying "why aren't you joining the meeting?" and I responded "I am in the meeting, I am sitting next to you." Even after responding, he didn't bother turning his head to acknowledge my presence. I'm just invisible and being treated insignificantly. I just don't know what to do. How is it that I am going through all these efforts to reach out to people at work and they keep telling each other that I'm not participating...when I do, they don't even see it. I might as well be dead.

 

[EternalShore]

I sat alone in elementary school school through high school. And at work, my coworkers won't let me sit in the same office as them. They tell me to sit in the room across by myself because they claim there are no work spaces in the same room they are in. I told my boss they are alienating me and my boss said 'well you're the type to exclude yourself, aren't you" and I told him that I have attempted to bond with the coworkers many times. Even at meetings, I would sit right next to them...and at this one meeting halfway through, I got a text message saying "why aren't you joining the meeting?" and I responded "I am in the meeting, I am sitting next to you." Even after responding, he didn't bother turning his head to acknowledge my presence. I'm just invisible and being treated insignificantly. I just don't know what to do. How is it that I am going through all these efforts to reach out to people at work and they keep telling each other that I'm not participating...when I do, they don't even see it. I might as well be dead.

That sounds so awful! D: I can't believe they'd do that to you for your entire life! >_< People say they care, but they are truly so cruel and evil! >:( I'm sorry~ :( I wish my words could make it better somehow~ :(

 

[SickNSad2024]

people say 'it's just a phase'...well it's not; the eternal struggle is real.

 

[JJ53]

Everyone here sounds so sweet. None of you deserved that pain. I wish we could go back in time just for one day and all sit at the same lunch table together! We would definitely be the cool group

 

[rotten]

I used to isolate myself a lot too. I was always really shy and way to nice for my own good. Then in my senior year of highschool my ex tried to ruin my life. My depression got so bad I wanted to ctb, but unfortunately I was already under a microscope. Memories like that have also followed me through the years. It just sucks that most people in real life won't take these feelings seriously and say you're "weak".