Venting Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

[eaturdirt]

I knew this was going to happen and still it feels like a punch to the gut. The fact that probably no one is going to understand how I feel, how my brain works and why I act the way I do. The fact that I'll never be able to make a romantic connection with a person because I got too much going on in my mind to even function normally. Nobody will ever romantically like me again and I'll stay alone forever. I want to be loved so badly, but I'm scared because it overtakes my entire being, I don't want to put that pressure on someone else. I just make every relationship toxic and unstable. It's not like I have the looks to let people stay with me. I'm so sad, I just wish I was normal. The urge to kill myself has immediately gotten worse too. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate feeling and being like this. I just read something that felt so familiar to me. "I wanna burn down every bridge I built because I'm the only one who keeps it from falling apart". I feel this way about all the friendships I have and about all the people I know. (And I don't even know a lot of them) the urge to just die en wither away is huge. I just want to not exist and not deal with people and basic life stuff. I want to rot away.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so miserable. Please don't blame yourself, BPD occurs in response to trauma, you're not to blame for your trauma.

Having a BPD diagnosis is a very useless thing imo. It just negatively influenced my life and influenced the kind of medical care I was able to get. It's basically someone saying: "you're damaged because your personality is flawed and there's no cure. Job done, nothing else for me to do here."

Having this sort of diagnosis and knowing that it has no cure, won't help anything and, to be honest with you, I think a lot of people are mistakenly diagnosed as Borderline when in fact their issue may be C-PTSD. This is my case. My first psychologist diagnosed me with BPD when I was 16. Now my current psychologist doesn't believe at all that I have BPD and diagnosed me with C-PTSD. The thing is that I did have a lot of those traits when I was younger but as my life changed and as I matured, I changed as a person and I don't fit into BPD now.

I firmly believe BPD isn't the life sentence doctors act like it is and it is also very much driven by past trauma. Heal that trauma and your BPD symptoms will change. You're not tied to that god awful diagnosis, you're not irreparably damaged and it's not you or your personality's fault that you are the way you are.

I'm so sorry, again, for the suffering you're experiencing. I just want you to know that you're not doomed, like I thought I was, and that none of this is your fault. If anyone had gone through the things in life that you went through, they would be in a similar state.

I'm here for you if you ever want to talk

 

[N33dT0D13]

I felt this way when my therapist mentioned me having borderline traits... I don't think it counts as a diagnosis but I also think it does and I expected it, I was going to ask her about it but her mentioning it so up front... Absolutely felt like a punch to the gut. Like great, I have confirmation of what I feared and I know better what's going on with me but it doesn't make it any easier or less scary or hurt less...