I did sleep ok last night. No weird dreams or nightmares.
I woke up feeling odd. I didn't pay my rent or car because why pay it. That little bit of money is all I have.
I feel like a loser though because I'm not able to keep my obligations.
Once I got passed that I got up to start my saltwater detox.
Oh Boy
..I last ate at 6pm the prior day so my stomach was gargling and empty.
Not gonna go into detail in what I now look back thinking I probably shouldn't have done that but I did.
This was about 1230pm.
I sucked on 2 mints while I make the drink.
I chug it.
The salt burned going down but I told myself it's ok...I got this.
I began to start getting bags together in my bathroom and bedroom incase I vomit.
Mind you...I haven't vomit in decades No...literally decades I absolutely hate it. I hate it so much that I used to couldn't say vomit without being nauseated...I would say Inna outa jesta
I know silly right.
Well sure enough as I was putting together bags in my room I could feel that feeling...I took breaths...turned on my fan...told myself to relax...but nope...I began to vomit.
But I handled it well...I made sure to not panic...breath slowly through my nose because it burns coming up and if you don't relax or try to breathe too fast you could choke.
I say this lasted for a few minutes...about 3 vomits in those few minutes.
I have these mouth wipes I used for my retainers..I wiped my mouth out..took a finger sleeve and wiped my mouth more.
It burned to swallow but I knew I needed to still drink water. So I took little sips in between cleaning my mouth.
Then I began having to go to the bathroom which is really what salt water detox are for. So I had a couple bowl movements.
No pain or anything but oddly enough after it was over I was starving where as yesterday I had no appetite.
So I ordered some ginger ale soda, boxes to pack up some things, and broth and cup cakes.
Then I ordered parmesan garlic wings.
And this was hours after because I was afraid if I eat too soon I would get sick again.
And so far I'm feeling fine...I was really hungry and I actually enjoyed my food unlike yesterday.
I decided for the rest of the day and tomorrow I'll eat as normal but I want to fast 2 days prior to my attempt.
I thought afterwards that I handled it well so when the time comes for my attempt I hope it goes just as well and I hope not to vomit.
I don't know if I'd be able to drink another cup after that.
Now over and over I've been saying in my head...I will die quickly, painless and no vomiting
As I ate I scrolled through reels and was actually enjoying myself a bit till I saw one with a woman and her mother.
Her mother has cancer and is dying.
She asked her mom what do you want me to remember most when you die.
Mom replied how much I love you. And immediately I began to cry. Mom then said I don't want to go...I have so much to do.
I then became so angry.
Why does it always seem those who want to stay are battling for their lives when I have given up and would be glad to go. I'd easily give my life for her to stay here with her daughter.
These are the things that confuse me about God. I'm still not sure if there is one but because I was raised to believe so I often still pray and talk to so called God in my head. It's a confusing and scary feeling to desire God but be fearful of God because of everything I've been indoctrinated to believe.
Here I am planning my death that I hope I'm granted and she is facing death she doesn't want.
After that I figured I should be able to get a couple of hours of sleep. And I did.
I do not recommend doing a saltwater detox
But I also think it's good practice to get a ideal of what you're bout to do.
I'm gonna be so pissed if I'm going through all this to not die
And here's a big plot twist.
When I was still working at the hotel I did apply at other jobs but I thought nothing of it.
I don't remember the day but i remember thinking...I bet right before I die a job will call me back.
Why as I was checking my email to see about my Amazon package that I ordered I see a email from a job I applied for.
For a split second I thought...Chimere what if.
Then my logic kicked in.
I thought do you really have the energy to go through another job screening.
Do you have the energy to wait days to a week to hear back from a job.
Do you have the strength to move back in with your grandmother because you will be evicted while waiting for this job.
Will you be able to survive knowing how much debt your in with behind bills and medical bills.
(Did I tell yall I have a medical bill over 10,000.) Mental health matters my ass
I then thought do you have the energy to go through this again with no space of your own..no friends...fake family..just lifeless.
And no..I don't. I don't have the will power to live and I can't mask anymore.
I already decided that if this attempt fails my only other option is to tell my mother they will have to lock me up in a facility permanently because I will try again. And I just can't go on like this.
So this attempt better work because I don't wanna go to prison. Psych Wards are just like prison and I know it could be horrific but I can no longer manage in the world.
Guess I'll go eat a little more...read a couple chapters in my book and back to bed I go
Thanks for attending my TED Talk
Love Mi Mi
I woke up feeling odd. I didn't pay my rent or car because why pay it. That little bit of money is all I have.
I feel like a loser though because I'm not able to keep my obligations.
Once I got passed that I got up to start my saltwater detox.
Oh Boy
..I last ate at 6pm the prior day so my stomach was gargling and empty.Not gonna go into detail in what I now look back thinking I probably shouldn't have done that but I did.
This was about 1230pm.
I sucked on 2 mints while I make the drink.
I chug it.
The salt burned going down but I told myself it's ok...I got this.I began to start getting bags together in my bathroom and bedroom incase I vomit.
Mind you...I haven't vomit in decades
No...literally decades I absolutely hate it. I hate it so much that I used to couldn't say vomit without being nauseated...I would say Inna outa jestaI know silly right.
Well sure enough as I was putting together bags in my room I could feel that feeling...I took breaths...turned on my fan...told myself to relax...but nope...I began to vomit.
But I handled it well...I made sure to not panic...breath slowly through my nose because it burns coming up and if you don't relax or try to breathe too fast you could choke.
I say this lasted for a few minutes...about 3 vomits in those few minutes.
I have these mouth wipes I used for my retainers..I wiped my mouth out..took a finger sleeve and wiped my mouth more.
It burned to swallow but I knew I needed to still drink water. So I took little sips in between cleaning my mouth.
Then I began having to go to the bathroom which is really what salt water detox are for. So I had a couple bowl movements.
No pain or anything but oddly enough after it was over I was starving where as yesterday I had no appetite
.So I ordered some ginger ale soda, boxes to pack up some things, and broth and cup cakes.
Then I ordered parmesan garlic wings.
And this was hours after because I was afraid if I eat too soon I would get sick again.
And so far I'm feeling fine...I was really hungry and I actually enjoyed my food unlike yesterday.
I decided for the rest of the day and tomorrow I'll eat as normal but I want to fast 2 days prior to my attempt.
I thought afterwards that I handled it well so when the time comes for my attempt I hope it goes just as well and I hope not to vomit.
I don't know if I'd be able to drink another cup after that.
Now over and over I've been saying in my head...I will die quickly, painless and no vomiting
As I ate I scrolled through reels and was actually enjoying myself a bit till I saw one with a woman and her mother.
Her mother has cancer and is dying.
She asked her mom what do you want me to remember most when you die.
Mom replied how much I love you. And immediately I began to cry. Mom then said I don't want to go...I have so much to do.
I then became so angry.
Why does it always seem those who want to stay are battling for their lives when I have given up and would be glad to go. I'd easily give my life for her to stay here with her daughter.
These are the things that confuse me about God. I'm still not sure if there is one but because I was raised to believe so I often still pray and talk to so called God in my head. It's a confusing and scary feeling to desire God but be fearful of God because of everything I've been indoctrinated to believe.
Here I am planning my death that I hope I'm granted and she is facing death she doesn't want.
After that I figured I should be able to get a couple of hours of sleep. And I did.
I do not recommend doing a saltwater detox
But I also think it's good practice to get a ideal of what you're bout to do.
I'm gonna be so pissed if I'm going through all this to not die
And here's a big plot twist.
When I was still working at the hotel I did apply at other jobs but I thought nothing of it.
I don't remember the day but i remember thinking...I bet right before I die a job will call me back.
Why as I was checking my email to see about my Amazon package that I ordered I see a email from a job I applied for.
For a split second I thought...Chimere what if.
Then my logic kicked in.
I thought do you really have the energy to go through another job screening.
Do you have the energy to wait days to a week to hear back from a job.
Do you have the strength to move back in with your grandmother because you will be evicted while waiting for this job.
Will you be able to survive knowing how much debt your in with behind bills and medical bills.
(Did I tell yall I have a medical bill over 10,000.) Mental health matters my ass
I then thought do you have the energy to go through this again with no space of your own..no friends...fake family..just lifeless.
And no..I don't. I don't have the will power to live and I can't mask anymore.
I already decided that if this attempt fails my only other option is to tell my mother they will have to lock me up in a facility permanently because I will try again. And I just can't go on like this.
So this attempt better work because I don't wanna go to prison. Psych Wards are just like prison and I know it could be horrific but I can no longer manage in the world.
Guess I'll go eat a little more...read a couple chapters in my book and back to bed I go
Thanks for attending my TED Talk
Love Mi Mi
