So my fear and anxiety has ratcheted up by a ton recently. I had a plan to CTB and wanted to do this the best way possible. I didn't expect to have worsening symptoms. Not sure why I didn't work on that part of this but now I'm worried it's going to interfere with my ability to carry out a well thought out and fullsafe plan. I think I may need to have access to a solid plan b and soon. I wanted more time and that just sucks. I worked my ass off to get well enough I could enjoy pieces of this existence, and I did!! But surviving has been a full-time job since my older brother tried to murder me at 3 days before my 3rd birthday. Yep, I was a fucking toddler/baby!! And my skull was literally crushed...I was doing deep brain stem posturing and noone thought I could survive such a severe brain injury. Let's not even get into the fact that it was straight up child abuse. So anyways that's only the beginning. Or foundation. I'm convinced my brain has never fully recovered but I did adapt amazingly well and my life mantra has been to NEVER LET THEM WIN! But if they can try to kill a child, imagine the years of ugly, evil shit that followed. Or don't but you know what I mean....
so there is much ambivalence to know it's time to CTB and yet fighting against that my whole life, like I wanted to be dead since I was 8yrs old.
I really thought I had gotten past the worst of it.... and I did work so hard to heal as much as possible from the horror shitshow my childhood was. I was proud even. I graduated from nursing school in my 30's, I planned on writing a book and I had purpose and fight. I have a beautiful daughter. Who hasn't spoken to me in a year and sadly this encourages me to think it's time.
But my cognition is really declining. And I feel like maybe I'm running out of time....I didn't think my mind would go like it has. I always was relatively intelligent and apparently I took that for granted. I knew my health was poor and my body was broken down from all the physical abuse but my mind was actually pretty strong. Sure alot of mental "issues"but I had self awareness and focused on hope and finding answers.
Course I wish it could be different. I even think there is still hope for someone as damaged as me but it will take more then I have to find it. And I waited too long to organize shit . Story of my life, procrastinate!!
Fuck
This is so very distressing. I did see a therapist a few days ago and surprisingly she said she has no issue with me heading for euthenasia. I was straight honest about it but I made it seem like I would of do it only if I was approved for medical help. I now think my chronic pain will be dismissed as simply a symptom of psych disease and for that I need to leave the country. I can't do that for 4 years, financial reasons. I'm realizing I don't have that long and now I'm scared.
Why does life have to be such a fucking hardass battle every minute?? Ok I know it's not but shit I'd love a tiny break to catch my breath.
Hope this was ok to post. I haven't posted before so maybe I should have done more of an intro?? But this was what I was thinking about....I'm 49 years old female with cptsd, did, bipolar, horrific religious abuse abuse, genetic mutations, thyroid issues post hysterectomy, cancer history, gastrectomy and multiple surgeries with metal fusions and many traumas, physical and mental. Been a year off any medications because I can no longer process synthetic Rx well so I have Kratom for pain. And cbd/thc. History of heavy opoid use until I maxed out on methadone and realized the meds were killing me. It's frustrating because I think someone smarter and healthier then I could figure out what's going on with me and help me learn how to fix it but I suppose that's my si talking? Just wanted a different outcome. Oh and I quit smoking and totally changed my diet and noticed a big difference in some of my psych symptoms!! I would have never thought my depression could be vitamin D deficiency and or gluten/diary/sugar related!!
so there is much ambivalence to know it's time to CTB and yet fighting against that my whole life, like I wanted to be dead since I was 8yrs old.
I really thought I had gotten past the worst of it.... and I did work so hard to heal as much as possible from the horror shitshow my childhood was. I was proud even. I graduated from nursing school in my 30's, I planned on writing a book and I had purpose and fight. I have a beautiful daughter. Who hasn't spoken to me in a year and sadly this encourages me to think it's time.
But my cognition is really declining. And I feel like maybe I'm running out of time....I didn't think my mind would go like it has. I always was relatively intelligent and apparently I took that for granted. I knew my health was poor and my body was broken down from all the physical abuse but my mind was actually pretty strong. Sure alot of mental "issues"but I had self awareness and focused on hope and finding answers.
Course I wish it could be different. I even think there is still hope for someone as damaged as me but it will take more then I have to find it. And I waited too long to organize shit . Story of my life, procrastinate!!
Fuck
This is so very distressing. I did see a therapist a few days ago and surprisingly she said she has no issue with me heading for euthenasia. I was straight honest about it but I made it seem like I would of do it only if I was approved for medical help. I now think my chronic pain will be dismissed as simply a symptom of psych disease and for that I need to leave the country. I can't do that for 4 years, financial reasons. I'm realizing I don't have that long and now I'm scared.
Why does life have to be such a fucking hardass battle every minute?? Ok I know it's not but shit I'd love a tiny break to catch my breath.
Hope this was ok to post. I haven't posted before so maybe I should have done more of an intro?? But this was what I was thinking about....I'm 49 years old female with cptsd, did, bipolar, horrific religious abuse abuse, genetic mutations, thyroid issues post hysterectomy, cancer history, gastrectomy and multiple surgeries with metal fusions and many traumas, physical and mental. Been a year off any medications because I can no longer process synthetic Rx well so I have Kratom for pain. And cbd/thc. History of heavy opoid use until I maxed out on methadone and realized the meds were killing me. It's frustrating because I think someone smarter and healthier then I could figure out what's going on with me and help me learn how to fix it but I suppose that's my si talking? Just wanted a different outcome. Oh and I quit smoking and totally changed my diet and noticed a big difference in some of my psych symptoms!! I would have never thought my depression could be vitamin D deficiency and or gluten/diary/sugar related!!
