Relief
Member
- Oct 14, 2019
- 41
I've settled on partial hanging (will be tieing a necktie around a part of the staircase in my apartment). Four days before due-date I will buy all necessary items and begin rehearsing my knot multiple times a day.
I just wrote down the details of my last day from the time I'll be waking up at, to each individual meal.
I have a few thoughts going through my mind that I would like some opinions on. I've settled on killing this body on the same day it was born. For some reason, the cliché of ctb on the same day I had my first breath of air bothers me. On the other hand, it also brings me a certain degree of peace of mind.
Secondly, I will not be leaving any letter/card or note as I have nothing to say. I do not see any benefit in wasting my time writing a letter that means nothing to me. I do not want to be reduced to a few paragraphs and I do not want to give others the satisfaction of getting some sort of closure (even though my letter would provide none of that). If I did write something down it would most likely do more harm than good as I strongly blame the environment that was proportioned to me by my family (friends excluded as I don't have any).
Finally, I decided this body (i don't say "i" as depersonalization/derealization lead me to feel as if this body truly isn't me, but a cage for the self) will die listening to music. I've never had any negative association towards death but you can't deny that the unknown is always a bit stress-inducing. I don't want to leave this world listening to nothing but my despair and the cars outside. I want it to be as beautiful as killing yourself can be. I've settled on a song called "Lights Up" by harry styles. Before cringing and releasing a muffled laugh, I realize harry styles is not the epidemy of good music. However, the constant repetition of "I'm not going back" will certainly bring me the needed relief once my carotid artery starts to fail.
To be clearer, my questions are:
What are some of the details of your planned ctb day? meals, plans, conversations, day of suicide etc
What are your opinions on ctb on your birthday?
How do you feel about playing music while you do it?
I just wrote down the details of my last day from the time I'll be waking up at, to each individual meal.
I have a few thoughts going through my mind that I would like some opinions on. I've settled on killing this body on the same day it was born. For some reason, the cliché of ctb on the same day I had my first breath of air bothers me. On the other hand, it also brings me a certain degree of peace of mind.
Secondly, I will not be leaving any letter/card or note as I have nothing to say. I do not see any benefit in wasting my time writing a letter that means nothing to me. I do not want to be reduced to a few paragraphs and I do not want to give others the satisfaction of getting some sort of closure (even though my letter would provide none of that). If I did write something down it would most likely do more harm than good as I strongly blame the environment that was proportioned to me by my family (friends excluded as I don't have any).
Finally, I decided this body (i don't say "i" as depersonalization/derealization lead me to feel as if this body truly isn't me, but a cage for the self) will die listening to music. I've never had any negative association towards death but you can't deny that the unknown is always a bit stress-inducing. I don't want to leave this world listening to nothing but my despair and the cars outside. I want it to be as beautiful as killing yourself can be. I've settled on a song called "Lights Up" by harry styles. Before cringing and releasing a muffled laugh, I realize harry styles is not the epidemy of good music. However, the constant repetition of "I'm not going back" will certainly bring me the needed relief once my carotid artery starts to fail.
To be clearer, my questions are:
What are some of the details of your planned ctb day? meals, plans, conversations, day of suicide etc
What are your opinions on ctb on your birthday?
How do you feel about playing music while you do it?
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