nembutal
everything will be okay in the end
- Jul 14, 2022
- 296
instead i am cursed with the never ending weight cycles of bulimia. lose a ton of weight to the point where i lose the ability to vomit, gain some weight back, and start losing it again. i've always been disgustingly envious of anorexics, and i hate myself for this as im essentially saying id rather be suffering in a different way than completely rid of a bad relationship with food.
i've tied my weight to my quality of life since i came out of high school, it's difficult not to notice the extra attention i got when i was 18-19 bmi. but now im hovering in the same range and am the loneliest i have ever been. ive never went this long without a "best friend" or a lover.
i've witnessed the failure of my logic, the falseness of the idea that id get more attention if i were thinner, yet i still crave for flat stomach and huge thigh gap. i've never been in the classification of underweight, which makes my sick head believe that dipping under the "healthy" classification would rid me of all my social troubles and i'd finally get attention from the boy i want and everyone will finally want to be my friend.
but apart from hard drugs, food is second on my list of easily obtainable dopamine. i can't shake it as good food is so easily accessible and i need to eat *something* in order to function. at this point in my ED i am eating nothing but chocolate bars and which essentially meet my caloric quota and cause me to maintain for weeks on end. i miss the days where i ate nothing but flavorless salads and could call it a night. i matched the anorexic diagnosis and i could lose a bmi point in a week.
i've tied my weight to my quality of life since i came out of high school, it's difficult not to notice the extra attention i got when i was 18-19 bmi. but now im hovering in the same range and am the loneliest i have ever been. ive never went this long without a "best friend" or a lover.
i've witnessed the failure of my logic, the falseness of the idea that id get more attention if i were thinner, yet i still crave for flat stomach and huge thigh gap. i've never been in the classification of underweight, which makes my sick head believe that dipping under the "healthy" classification would rid me of all my social troubles and i'd finally get attention from the boy i want and everyone will finally want to be my friend.
but apart from hard drugs, food is second on my list of easily obtainable dopamine. i can't shake it as good food is so easily accessible and i need to eat *something* in order to function. at this point in my ED i am eating nothing but chocolate bars and which essentially meet my caloric quota and cause me to maintain for weeks on end. i miss the days where i ate nothing but flavorless salads and could call it a night. i matched the anorexic diagnosis and i could lose a bmi point in a week.
