I'm desperate to go now. The Xmas period would be the perfect opportunity. I've failed so many times. Too many times. I know desperation and getting too emotional to think straight are my biggest obstacles. Maybe some people can calmly walk through their plan step by step but even when I have it all down and get halfway through, I mess it up at some point. I'm terrified but even more scared of living. I hate this mental prison. I have to escape the fear somehow.
I know the feeling. I'm desperate too but have to wait till around February for a variety of reasons. I feel angry and trapped all the time.
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Sinbad
Self-Annihilation is loading...95%
- Nov 27, 2018
- 542
I am inside the same metal prison.. I feel you
*Jumping does not require any planning.
Jodes
Enlightened
- Nov 23, 2018
- 1,261
That's actually incredibly insightful for me. A true, potential last resort. Funny too just cause I might use it. Although you don't want to end up imprisoned in a worse state, so you have to know your heights and hope you're a good diver at that range. I've known some awful results. Sorry for being a disclaimer on your Behalf Sinbad but I really have seen some nasty results. Any suicide method can make your life 100x worse without adequate planning. If you are still capable of killing yourself, then let's just say things can still get worse. And worse still. Sorry Sinbad, I'm just reflecting on some horrendous shit I've seen. Some of the worst first hand.
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I want to jump. Last time I was so ready. Beyond ready. Then at the last few seconds I kept thinking what if I change my mind halfway down and fall in terror? The thought of that freaked me out so badly that I ended up wandering around like a demented idiot. Pro tip.. don't wander along a cliff edge looking obvious..
Jodes
Enlightened
- Nov 23, 2018
- 1,261
You know, I probably would hava done that at the country's suicide hotspot with known regular patrols. I'm such an idiot.
Kdawg2018
Still here...
- Nov 10, 2018
- 272
Im glad I didnt jump from my local bridge, its patrolled, plus recently it got closed when some1 was being talked off it
letmeseethedeath
catching the bus
- Aug 4, 2018
- 465
i feel you. yesterday was my birthday and i'm so depressed because i'm still alive. i'm a coward because i'm not able to kill myself. my mental prison become even physic prison
Gainax
Experienced
- Oct 8, 2018
- 265
Xmas day is the perfect to ctb, a day were strangers pretend to care for one another, a day were family pretends to be one.
Salvacion
Member
- Sep 25, 2018
- 88
Jodes
Enlightened
- Nov 23, 2018
- 1,261
How are you today? Hope you're ok?? Sorry about my last post, it wasn't exactly on point. What fear are you tying to escspe btw?
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Messed up things happened in my past. Abuse that I'll never get over. I've spent every day for almost 2 decades in all sorts of mental pain over it. I know that it will never be gone. The thought of having to feel this way forever is horrifying to me. Maybe Xmas day will be the day. It would be the perfect way to end the day. I could watched a movie, have a nice meal then finish up the day with partial suspension. It's something that I'm considering but I've failed partial before and it's all a bit rushed so I'm not sure yet.
Jodes
Enlightened
- Nov 23, 2018
- 1,261
I do hope you don't rush things. Your plan for Xmas day sounds peaceful. I understand how hard things might be for you and you have my sympathies. I doubt Xmas helps, it does have a deserved reputation. I hope you'll spend some time on here and feel a little less pressure. At least to help steady yourself with support, whatever you're feeling! Sincerely, thoughts are with you
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