Venting Desperate

[ctkmtt]

Hi all
I just needed to do some venting that I can't do anywhere else. I'm so sick of being alive, and trying to find excuses to stay alive. I have guilt, I have fear, I have exhaustion, I have pretty much every emotion except happiness at this point.
I think today was my last straw. I'm $300 in debt- doesn't sound like much but I can't get a job, not even McDonalds will hire me. I'm transgender and on the autism spectrum so I'm basically a total freak of nature. I've been born messed up. People don't care about me, they fetishize me for being trans, or they fund me stupid or annoying, it's so degrading and exhausting. I've been abused my whole life. Sexually, emotionally, physically. And nothing anyone says makes it better. Everyone treats me like I don't have feelings, and maybe to a certain extent I don't have them, but god do I TRY to have them. But it doesn't matter because everyone hates me. My mom is constantly overworked trying to financially support us and I just can't take anything anymore. I don't even have money for booze or weed which is what I was planning to use to postpone my suicide.
I don't know what to do. I might do the bathtub method. I feel so lost and alone. I can't make money, I can't make friends, what's the point in someone like me?? There isn't one.

Thanks if you read this far. It's nice to let out the feelings I guess. If I disappear without notice you'll know I went through with it. But for now I'm just thinking...feeling everything at once and nothing at all at the same time.
I hope you're all well (though since you're here it's likely that you're not.)

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

You write very lucidly.

I would suggest you don't stop.

Every word on the page , and I encourage pencil, ink , scraps of paper glued and stapled .

The flotsam of jottings that may coalesce into a possibley positive compass arrow for negotiating your life .

I'm talking as much to myself as to you ....


I have committed 'symbolic' suicide three or four times in my life by destroying art and writing

( I am a creative God , FYI chuckle )

And it just won't do !

Nonono .

Draw that map and plan ... trace the god awful trail and squeeze the lubricating oil out of those crushed ego moments and see the smoothness shine back at you . Polished wood and buffed steel.
scrawled bleeding ink .

We are all a work in progress .



Sorry for making this all about me .
I'm a fucking narcisist.

And it's lonely only loving me , it's like hate .



I've just had my second coffee and , wow , am I sensitive to caffeine ...

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

just a scrap of notation from my own disarray ...

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I just composed an e-mail to a friend who habitually phones me from the depths of drunken self hating hell and I always tell him this :

Hi X

Write down your troubles .

Research the internet for things you relate to about your porblems.

Keep a scrap book SAFELY as it is important self discovery

Continue to assemble notes and self reflections on who you are and
your situation .

Take yourself seriously enough to be interested in yourself.

Make traction in your life with taking small challenges seriously ...
go to the pool or the movies or the market ...

Engage realistically and radically with being alone , lonely and isolated.

Feel it , be it , do not deny it .

Feel the fear , the terror . it is real to you .

It's like going to war or jumping out of a plane ... or worse.

It is your one and only life .

Live it .

Scrap book and keep safe your self reflections .

Update and review your model of reality and see if it is real or an
imagined nightmare .

You are your own savior.

It can be fun and liberating ... it is ART .

Yo may not become famous , you may not have a novel published ...

You may though , begin to stat to CREATE YOURSELF which is all anyone
can ever do .

That is 'self actualization ' ... but it needs to be built on a
foundation formed by drawing a plan and a map and surveying your
current terrain to build as realistically as possible .

It would be beneficial to involve a professional in your life to
assist in this self recognition / identification process .

Your sister sounds cool ... maybe she could critique my suggestions .

I'm sure she wants the best for you ... but you must realize it is
difficult dealing with self destruction , right ? It is taxing .

My own brother has very little to do with me because he is revolted
and repulsed by what he perceives to be my spinning out into
uselessness , my lack of self discipline and by non-productivity etc
etc etc .

Well I'm trying my best .

Keep in touch , and good luck .

The future is the undiscovered country and we're all going there if we
want to or not ,
So you may as well select a parachute and a life jacket and an
inflateable life raft and hope they assist your journey ...

Good Luck

Stay in touch .

Yor going to make it man .

Cheers ,

Temporarilyabsurd




So , I visit crass , bad advice on people in real life too ....


Saturated to the core do gooding narcissistic holier than though , mood altering through others pain , emotional vampire ... and any other lables I'm as yet unaware of .

I am such an arsehole .

Do I believe this shit ?

I really don't know .

I don't practice it enough , if I do .

 

[Voldmort]

I'm so sorry! I just do not know how to help you, I feel the same discouragement sometimes and I do not know how to react. I'm sorry for not saying anything that could help you, I just wanted to not ignore your message after reading it.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm sorry about your struggles. I can relate to your situation a lot as a transgender person. People are fetishizing us, that's true. It's almost impossible to enter a relationship with someone who isn't just into the "girldick". I'm lonely just as you and live in poverty - unable to work and dependant on social welfare. I started my HRT almost 1.5 years ago and my gender dysphoria got slighty reduced but my situation didn't change at all. Which is one of the reasons why I'm a member of this forum as well. I hope you'll find what you're looking for in this forum.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

what's the point in someone like me?? There isn't one.

What's the point in anything at all? There isn't one.