I'm getting more and more mentally unwell, and more and more desperate. I'm still under section in a UK mental hospital, and far from getting better, I've just got worse to a point where I need my life to end, and as quickly as possible now. The staff are cruel, and seem to detest me for "choosing to be like this". I've tried to end my life here, but I just find my body still fights against ligatures, drowning, I just can't manage it. I just claw at my neck, pull the ligature off, come up gasping for air, just as I get to the point where i start blacking out. I just can't do it even though I wish I could so bad. I'm a coward. I'm in awe of people who can calmly let it happen and find their way to peace.
I don't have access to much in here, I have managed to smuggle in some pills before from a rare permitted visit to my parents, but not enough to kill me, though I tried. I don't eat or drink, but they just force feed me glucose shots and take me to hospital to be put on a drip. I've tried to pretend I'm better to be discharged, but I'm just not mentally well enough to do that anymore. I'm not even allowed to go outside for a walk on my own and just never return.
The suffering is just unbearable. I spend all day and night crying in my room alone, I see nobody to talk to, nobody at all. The staff here just treat me like I'm scum, which I agree, I am scum. I just want to take an overdose of some magic over the counter pill (something that is so common that it appears in every bathroom cabinet, that I could smuggle out of my parents house) that will just make me fall asleep peacefully and never wake up, but from reading the posts on here that is never going to happen. If I try again, it's got to be successful, and a method i can't stop once I've started.
What am I going to do? Am I going to suffer like this forever, with the hospital having already admitted they are out of ideas on how to help me, and "maybe in the future there might be a treatment"? Why do we let people suffer like this? I wouldn't let an animal suffer this way, why do we inflict it on humans? I'm being kept alive for the sake of being alive, and for the sake of other people. Nobody cares about what is best for me. I'm expected to live so as not to cause others pain. Why doesn't anyone understand? I'm just desperate, utterly desperate.
I don't have access to much in here, I have managed to smuggle in some pills before from a rare permitted visit to my parents, but not enough to kill me, though I tried. I don't eat or drink, but they just force feed me glucose shots and take me to hospital to be put on a drip. I've tried to pretend I'm better to be discharged, but I'm just not mentally well enough to do that anymore. I'm not even allowed to go outside for a walk on my own and just never return.
The suffering is just unbearable. I spend all day and night crying in my room alone, I see nobody to talk to, nobody at all. The staff here just treat me like I'm scum, which I agree, I am scum. I just want to take an overdose of some magic over the counter pill (something that is so common that it appears in every bathroom cabinet, that I could smuggle out of my parents house) that will just make me fall asleep peacefully and never wake up, but from reading the posts on here that is never going to happen. If I try again, it's got to be successful, and a method i can't stop once I've started.
What am I going to do? Am I going to suffer like this forever, with the hospital having already admitted they are out of ideas on how to help me, and "maybe in the future there might be a treatment"? Why do we let people suffer like this? I wouldn't let an animal suffer this way, why do we inflict it on humans? I'm being kept alive for the sake of being alive, and for the sake of other people. Nobody cares about what is best for me. I'm expected to live so as not to cause others pain. Why doesn't anyone understand? I'm just desperate, utterly desperate.
