Help Desiring a fast way out, but family would be damaged

[Finallyhere]

Really effed my life up. Was super talented and passionate with music and performing and writing even after I dropped out of college.

I'm an alcoholic. Fell too in love with women, burned my friendships, didn't appreciate things and now I'm filled with guilt and regret. Lost the passion to do anything except sleep. I don't drink or do drugs anymore because I have to go to AA.

Drugs helped in the short term, but I'm worried my psych meds are making things worse (stopped abilify and trazodone, currently on Latuda and Wellbutrin). I don't wanna lose control over my sobriety but I don't really feel sober on these meds.

This year was the worst, went crazy around my ex, got arrested, beat up a few times and lost the love of my life due to my own insecurities and depression. Literally broke up with me over the phone on Halloween. I got us tickets to a festival this weekend and now idk what to do with them. No friends to go with, no one to sell them to.

I've been thinking about suicide for the past few months and failed to ctb through partial. Passed out quick, belt broke and I woke up on the tiles with a bloody broken face. Had to get surgery which made me look like Quasimodo.

I still want to die and I've told my family this but they keep saying I need to move on from the past. My dad just lost his brother today so it'd be too much for him to handle if i committed suicide tonight. Still considering it though (but I don't have any ligature except for guitar cables)

Family is the only thing keeping me around right now. I got a lil sister who's also kind of a depressed/loner but shes doing well in her first year of university. I don't wanna scar her and ruin her fragile state. Then there's my mom who's always working positively hard to provide.

What will happen in the future when I don't have family support? I feel like a child but I'm 27 and I have no career no social life and no energy or drive. My brother is the exact opposite. He is religious, full of energy, works hard and stays busy. He's so happy and peaceful and I feel I'll never get to that state of mind cuz of my guilt over bad decisions. They say I have to want to get better, I have to work for it. It feels like I'll never get through it.

I still have so much community labor and anger management to do. I'm a lyft driver and I barely earn anything. It's not fun, but I'm not very skilled nor do I have the discipline to hold down any other job. I don't want to do it and my fam thinks I shouldn't work other dead end jobs.

I feel trapped. I know my problems aren't the worst, but it feels like I'll never be the man I want to be. Society is too cut throat, critical and uncaring. Most only care about money or status.

AA has a lot of nice and loving people, but it feels hard to keep up with the positivity and commitment to get better through God. They believe prayer and meditation fixes everything.

I feel like God gave me a lot and is mad at my disobedience and not valuing the chance I've been given, so I'm being punished. I feel like it's my destiny to lose it all and give up because of my mental illness.

I have no friends who hit me up, except for one dude who's negative and narcissistic.

Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get it off my chest. This is the only place I can comfortably share. Got a therapist appointment tmw and I don't think it'd be wise to talk about my suicidal tendencies.

TLDR: I've isolated myself from the world and I don't know how to fix things except through going away.

Any ideas on what I should do? I don't like working out, but I know there's benefits. It just feels pointless to even try. I hate the idea of perservering and then getting more shit on my plate.

Especially now that I've been dumped, it's hard to bathe, feed myself. It hurts seeing happy people and families and listening to music or watching movies. I just wanna be gone and/or forget my problems.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Have you considered becoming a music teacher?

 

[TAW122]

I would try to work through the situation (if possible), but have a way out when it is too much to bear. This way, you can try everything to improve, but if all else fails, you have a way out.

 

[Finallyhere]

Have you considered becoming a music teacher?

Yeah but I'm not that good to be honest. Like I'm not too advanced or super knowledgeable in terminology or theory. Didn't study it in school, don't have the best ear. Plus it's been so long since I even picked up my guitar.

I would try to work through the situation (if possible), but have a way out when it is too much to bear. This way, you can try everything to improve, but if all else fails, you have a way out.

Yeah ppl are telling me to stay busy, stay positive. It's fkn hard to get the will! I feel terrible cuz ppl have the drive to work so much harder. I feel like a lazy bum who mooches off people. I like to work hard, but I just don't know how to get out of my head.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

So mooch off people. Be lazy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Pick up the guitar again. Just record little things. Post them on Instagram. Who knows what will happen.

 

[Finallyhere]

So mooch off people. Be lazy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Pick up the guitar again. Just record little things. Post them on Instagram. Who knows what will happen.

Lol thanks man. I actually feel a bit better after getting all that off my chest. Maybe I'll start posting on IG again. Used to do it a lot, stoned/drunk. Now that I'm sober it's been hard relearning how to have that drive.

 

[longingforrelease]

Lol thanks man. I actually feel a bit better after getting all that off my chest. Maybe I'll start posting on IG again. Used to do it a lot, stoned/drunk. Now that I'm sober it's been hard relearning how to have that drive.

good to hear getting that off your chest helped!

 

[Finallyhere]

Eh the damn feelings came back. I can't get over my past shitty actions. Thoughts of the future scare and worry me. Can't stay focused and happy in the present. Wish I could change and fix things or escape to somewhere peaceful and worry free.

 

[longingforrelease]

Eh the damn feelings came back. I can't get over my past shitty actions. Thoughts of the future scare and worry me. Can't stay focused and happy in the present. Wish I could change and fix things or escape to somewhere peaceful and worry free.

I know what it's like to be unable to get one's past terrible behavior. I truly do. I carry so much shame and remorse around with me. I'm sorry you're suffering like this. I really am. Because I know what it's like.

 

[Finallyhere]

I know what it's like to be unable to get one's past terrible behavior. I truly do. I carry so much shame and remorse around with me. I'm sorry you're suffering like this. I really am. Because I know what it's like.

Thanks. The idea of living with these regrets for my whole life is killing me. It's the worst feeling. I wish I could move on from the shame and remorse. How do you carry on with the feeling?

 

[longingforrelease]

Thanks. The idea of living with these regrets for my whole life is killing me. It's the worst feeling. I wish I could move on from the shame and remorse. How do you carry on with the feeling?

Happy to share with you my experience. I can't say I'm actually carrying on with these feelings. I've simply endured them, tried to bury them as best I can or ignore them by trying to focus on work. When I was still back in the US close to my daughter, I focused on her. She helped a great deal. I simply sought to be as positive as I could be around her. But now that I'm 10,000 miles away and alone and isolated all those feelings of shame and remorse are killing me again. (I wouldn't be on this site otherwise.) I will say one thing that you might consider. I see from your story that you're in AA. I was in AA for 18 years and it gave me a wonderful life. I actively did the 12 steps, went to meetings, stayed involved. What I'm getting at is that many many many people find great relief in working the 12 steps, especially steps 8 and 9 - which are the ones that involve making a list of all the people you have harmed and then going to them to make amends. And let me add that making amends to the ones we've harmed is not simply telling them your sorry for the things you did. (They're usually really sick of hearing us say we're sorry!!!). It involves the much bigger commitment to asking them if there's anything you can do to try to set things right. And then being willing to do what they ask. Sometimes you might hear that they just want you to stay sober. SOmetimes they might tell you to fuck off and never contact them again. And you have to be willing to honor their requests (never contact them again - though you can say something like, "I understand and will honor your wishes, but if at anytime in the future you change your mind and believe there might be something I can do that would set things right, I'll be ready.). Don't mean to preach to you, hope that's not how it comes off. It's just that it once helped me a great deal and I've seen it help others too. Something to think about.

 

[TiredHorse]

Yeah ppl are telling me to stay busy, stay positive. It's fkn hard to get the will!

Ah jeeze. Yeah, that's my life right now. "Go out and do fun things!" everyone says. How am I supposed to go out and do fun things when it's all I can do to get out of bed?

I know what it's like to be unable to get one's past terrible behavior. I truly do. I carry so much shame and remorse around with me. I'm sorry you're suffering like this. I really am. Because I know what it's like.

The idea of living with these regrets for my whole life is killing me. It's the worst feeling. I wish I could move on from the shame and remorse.

I can't get over my past shitty actions. Thoughts of the future scare and worry me. Can't stay focused and happy in the present.

That's me. Oh yes, that's me. You have my deepest sympathy.

 

[Finallyhere]

Happy to share with you my experience. I can't say I'm actually carrying on with these feelings. I've simply endured them, tried to bury them as best I can or ignore them by trying to focus on work. When I was still back in the US close to my daughter, I focused on her. She helped a great deal. I simply sought to be as positive as I could be around her. But now that I'm 10,000 miles away and alone and isolated all those feelings of shame and remorse are killing me again. (I wouldn't be on this site otherwise.) I will say one thing that you might consider. I see from your story that you're in AA. I was in AA for 18 years and it gave me a wonderful life. I actively did the 12 steps, went to meetings, stayed involved. What I'm getting at is that many many many people find great relief in working the 12 steps, especially steps 8 and 9 - which are the ones that involve making a list of all the people you have harmed and then going to them to make amends. And let me add that making amends to the ones we've harmed is not simply telling them your sorry for the things you did. (They're usually really sick of hearing us say we're sorry!!!). It involves the much bigger commitment to asking them if there's anything you can do to try to set things right. And then being willing to do what they ask. Sometimes you might hear that they just want you to stay sober. SOmetimes they might tell you to fuck off and never contact them again. And you have to be willing to honor their requests (never contact them again - though you can say something like, "I understand and will honor your wishes, but if at anytime in the future you change your mind and believe there might be something I can do that would set things right, I'll be ready.). Don't mean to preach to you, hope that's not how it comes off. It's just that it once helped me a great deal and I've seen it help others too. Something to think about.

Yeah I can tell the program does help people improve their lives.

But i don't think it can bring my ex back at this point. I regret not working the steps way earlier. I thought I was fixing things by throwing money at the situation but I never improved myself and just ended up way more stressed, insecure and broke. I should've focused on my own sense of peace. Now she's moved on and fallen out of love. I regret pushing her away with my pressure.

I feel it's too late for me to work the steps. AA offers love and support but it's also a big time commitment. I feel miserable being an outcast in the meetings. I haven't called my sponsor in weeks and I don't think he likes me very much or has trust in me staying sober. I don't embrace the program as strongly as he did. I'm socially awkward as fuck

 

[longingforrelease]

Yeah I can tell the program does help people improve their lives.

But i don't think it can bring my ex back at this point. I regret not working the steps way earlier. I thought I was fixing things by throwing money at the situation but I never improved myself and just ended up way more stressed, insecure and broke. I should've focused on my own sense of peace. Now she's moved on and fallen out of love. I regret pushing her away with my pressure.

I feel it's too late for me to work the steps. AA offers love and support but it's also a big time commitment. I feel miserable being an outcast in the meetings. I haven't called my sponsor in weeks and I don't think he likes me very much or has trust in me staying sober. I don't embrace the program as strongly as he did. I'm socially awkward as fuck

I totally get those feelings. After my relapse on prescription and then non-prescription drugs (the impetus for the destruction of my life) I could never seem to find in AA what I had found the first time. It does indeed take a time commitment that's for sure. It paid off for me the first time, but it's been harder to recommit since the relapse. All that shame and remorse getting in the way I suppose. And I also know what it's like to know you won't get your ex back. I still love my ex-wife, but given the unforgivable things I did she understandably wants as little to do with me as possible. We're cordial and cooperate when it comes to my daughter, but other than that it's clear I destroyed her love for me. I sympathize with you. I really do