Venting Depression makes me a bad person

[obei]

I mean I cannot fully blame it on depression but I have started to drift away from almost all my friends, argue w my bf just cause I was mad for no reason, not having motivation to do anything. Idk, I just think the world will be better place without a burden like me. I am not good for anybody anymore.

 

[アホペンギン]

Yeah, depression can really be a bitch. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I'm sending you strength. Hopefully you will feel better soon. :)

 

[firepunch]

Since I planned to CTB I have become the worst version of myself. I'm angry at people for no reason, I totally isolate myself when I'm not going to work. I let down my friends, didn't go to the birthday party of one of them and never explained myself (I don't know if I'm ashamed or not). I self harm myself more than ever, and now it's just not physical but also psychological. I watch videos of people CTB on a specific site and I try to get "used to death". The more I watch those horrible videos, the less I feel scared about CTB but it's printed in my mind and sometimes it just comes up to my consciousness without warning. If I don't CTB, I don't even know if I can recover from this downfall.

 

[obei]

Since I planned to CTB I have become the worst version of myself. I'm angry at people for no reason, I totally isolate myself when I'm not going to work. I let down my friends, didn't go to the birthday party of one of them and never explained myself (I don't know if I'm ashamed or not). I self harm myself more than ever, and now it's just not physical but also psychological. I watch videos of people CTB on a specific site and I try to get "used to death". The more I watch those horrible videos, the less I feel scared about CTB but it's printed in my mind and sometimes it just comes up to my consciousness without warning. If I don't CTB, I don't even know if I can recover from this downfall.

Sameee. Like, even if I dont die will I just keep ending in psych wards like before or just be a vegetable like I am becoming. Just breathing, thats all