Depression makes complicated methods so difficult.

[arcadia]

The past week I've been having frequent panic attacks over me still being alive, I desperately want to die but going to a GP, faking symptoms, getting antiemetics, then ordering SN online and managing to do all of this without raising the suspicion of my family is so hard. I can't even look after myself properly. I just wanna leave but how debilitating this stuff is makes it feel impossible. I spent an hour practicing to tie a slipknot and felt like a complete failure, by the time I got close to actually doing it my sister was awake and checked on me. God I wish somebody would just kill me. This intense feeling of panic and fear is too much. I want it to stop. I wish I was normal or dead already. I wish so badly that I was a neurotypical person, I want a normal life where I can function properly. I want to be able to have hope for the future and enjoy my life. I should be making memories, things might be hard in a normal life but I'd persevere. I'd be able to live a fulfilling life and feel gratification at what I'm capable of. But I can't live that life, solely because there is something wrong with me. And nobody gets it, everybody around me is so normal. I wish I could be like them. The truth is that I desperately want to live a regular life, I lie to myself to keep myself going. I've done it for years now, I tell myself that I can do it but everything ends up crashing in on me. I cant keep deluding myself. I cant keep doing this. Why do I have to be like this, what is wrong with me, why am I forced to exist like this

My dad just called me cause my mom told him I hadnt left my room today. Yells "YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS? GIVE ME STRESS I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS GOING ON" no i dont choose to live like this its so ironic, i dont even feel remorse for the aftermath anymore

 

[haiku]

I relate to basically everything you said and I'm so sorry you're struggling with all of this too. I desperately want to end my life soon, but the stress of gathering all of the materials paired with the lack of energy I have to even do the most basic things feels so debilitating. I also wish I could just be normal. I wish neither of us had these thoughts and feelings.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly hate how difficult it can be to finally be free from this world, the fact that ctb is so complicated and risky for me is the only reason as to why I continue existing here, and it's incredibly unfair how it has to be this way.
People are already tired and suffering enough without having to struggle so much in finding ways to leave this world, a peaceful and straightforward way to exit is what we deserve the option of after being forced into this world so unfairly in the first place. Other people really shouldn't have any right to interfere with ctb plans, it's not their life after all, if people want to live then that is fine for them but it's wrong to try and force others to suffer against their wishes.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

This is why antidepressants can make people more suicidal when we first start them - gives us more energy to carry out plans. I can certainly relate. I am sorry you're feeling so horrible. :(

 

[rain26]

The past week I've been having frequent panic attacks over me still being alive, I desperately want to die but going to a GP, faking symptoms, getting antiemetics, then ordering SN online and managing to do all of this without raising the suspicion of my family is so hard. I can't even look after myself properly. I just wanna leave but how debilitating this stuff is makes it feel impossible. I spent an hour practicing to tie a slipknot and felt like a complete failure, by the time I got close to actually doing it my sister was awake and checked on me. God I wish somebody would just kill me. This intense feeling of panic and fear is too much. I want it to stop. I wish I was normal or dead already. I wish so badly that I was a neurotypical person, I want a normal life where I can function properly. I want to be able to have hope for the future and enjoy my life. I should be making memories, things might be hard in a normal life but I'd persevere. I'd be able to live a fulfilling life and feel gratification at what I'm capable of. But I can't live that life, solely because there is something wrong with me. And nobody gets it, everybody around me is so normal. I wish I could be like them. The truth is that I desperately want to live a regular life, I lie to myself to keep myself going. I've done it for years now, I tell myself that I can do it but everything ends up crashing in on me. I cant keep deluding myself. I cant keep doing this. Why do I have to be like this, what is wrong with me, why am I forced to exist like this

My dad just called me cause my mom told him I hadnt left my room today. Yells "YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS? GIVE ME STRESS I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS GOING ON" no i dont choose to live like this its so ironic, i dont even feel remorse for the aftermath anymore

I can relate to this a lot. Im struggling to find a ctb plan that is cheap, mostly painless, and easy to carry out/access but its almost impossible to find a good method in my circumstances. I wish you the best and good luck

 

[CW36]

My dad just called me cause my mom told him I hadnt left my room today. Yells "YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS? GIVE ME STRESS I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS GOING ON" no i dont choose to live like this its so ironic, i dont even feel remorse for the aftermath anymore

Most dads don't deserve the title.

 

[situationalsui]

I can really relate to this. It adds to the torture so unbearably.