Depression + Lack of a method is driving me insane

[SentimentalTrip]

I seldom post on here, but I'm having a difficult week and I just want to vent (even if this has all been said a million times by other users).

I am so frustrated with the lack of a method available. Earlier this year, I came to the conclusion that after 7 years of depression and countless failed attempts at getting better, I've had enough and that I would end my life. Going into this I had no idea just how difficult it would be to CTB in a somewhat peaceful way. I naively thought there was a chance of obtaining N. When I found out N was nearly impossible to get, I moved on the idea of CTB with the DDMAPH method only to once again be stumped when I found out that obtaining morphine (even on the dark web) was impossible. So then I settled on SN only to find out that as of early 2023, it's nearly impossible to get in the United States. I am beyond exhausted of living an agonizing life.

For months I've considered both hanging and death by pistol. I don't even own a pistol, but I've considered purchasing one. I've seen videos of people ending their lives this way and I don't know how the hell I can bring myself to do it that way. And the idea of ending up in vegetative state or even disfigured because of a firearm misaim is goddamn terrifying. I know every method has risks, but I wish there was a more peaceful way.

My personal relationships are deteriorating and I hardly have the will to even get out of bed or leave the house. Even as recently as two years ago I was at least functional. The lack of method makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box and this severe depression is fucking with my brain.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Sleeping pills & getting plastered followed by carbon monoxide inhalation is the option that appeals to me. With a pre-hung noose nearby as a last resort backup.

 

[SymphonysofAgony]

I really relate to the struggle of finding a method, just as I imagine many others do. It's a shame there aren't more accessible methods that have a low possibility of becoming a vegetable. One method I am curious about is the shallow water method, however it would require me being home alone for at least an hour which doesn't happen often enough.
I also agree and relate so hard to being depressed for years! I've been anxious since i was a little girl, and depressed for a bit more than half of my life (I'm 22). It's like if I'm still so fucking depressed after all these years, why don't you guys just let me die already?

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry v undrstd, injury damage no have mthod, this rly awfl no able do any trap this life now dtriort dtriort afrd wat hpn need ctb fast

 

[FuneralCry]

It disgusts me how we cannot just leave this world in peace, the fact that suicide methods are either inaccessible or risky is always what has kept me trapped here, it's just so inhumane how we are denied a peaceful death, I really despise this anti-suicide society where people are just expected to suffer endlessly until they die anyway.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's frustrating but have you considered the CO Method using charcoal in a tent for example or in a small bathroom at home? Everything needed is cheap,easily available and in the crucial moments SI isn't disturbing. I hope you find peace and I wish you all the best.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

I feel you.
Sometimes it feels like they make it this difficult for us to go with dignity because what farmer would ever let they livestock ctb? Sometimes it feels like that's all we're seen as.

When I was a teenager my fifth attempt landed me in the hospital. It was supposed to be fool proof. It evidently wasn't. It's been over ten years. I can't afford to be hospitalized again. Whatever I choose next needs to work. Too many high risk, low efficacy methods. A few months ago I failed again. I was able to recover privately. I'm still lost; still looking for my way out.

 

[Quinton Coldwater]

I feel you.
Sometimes it feels like they make it this difficult for us to go with dignity because what farmer would ever let they livestock ctb? Sometimes it feels like that's all we're seen as.

When I was a teenager my fifth attempt landed me in the hospital. It was supposed to be fool proof. It evidently wasn't. It's been over ten years. I can't afford to be hospitalized again. Whatever I choose next needs to work. Too many high risk, low efficacy methods. A few months ago I failed again. I was able to recover privately. I'm still lost; still looking for my way out.

Have you tried SN?

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Have you tried SN?

No, but I'm in the process of learning about it.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I seldom post on here, but I'm having a difficult week and I just want to vent (even if this has all been said a million times by other users).

I am so frustrated with the lack of a method available. Earlier this year, I came to the conclusion that after 7 years of depression and countless failed attempts at getting better, I've had enough and that I would end my life. Going into this I had no idea just how difficult it would be to CTB in a somewhat peaceful way. I naively thought there was a chance of obtaining N. When I found out N was nearly impossible to get, I moved on the idea of CTB with the DDMAPH method only to once again be stumped when I found out that obtaining morphine (even on the dark web) was impossible. So then I settled on SN only to find out that as of early 2023, it's nearly impossible to get in the United States. I am beyond exhausted of living an agonizing life.

For months I've considered both hanging and death by pistol. I don't even own a pistol, but I've considered purchasing one. I've seen videos of people ending their lives this way and I don't know how the hell I can bring myself to do it that way. And the idea of ending up in vegetative state or even disfigured because of a firearm misaim is goddamn terrifying. I know every method has risks, but I wish there was a more peaceful way.

My personal relationships are deteriorating and I hardly have the will to even get out of bed or leave the house. Even as recently as two years ago I was at least functional. The lack of method makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box and this severe depression is fucking with my brain.

get a 12 gauge shotgun if you can. when firing aim at a 20 degree angle in the mouth death is instant, your head would literally explode

 

[Dead Already]

My personal relationships are deteriorating and I hardly have the will to even get out of bed or leave the house. Even as recently as two years ago I was at least functional. The lack of method makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box and this severe depression is fucking with my brain

Know these feeling well, the loneliness and despair are absolutely crippling.
Suffering becomes worse self isolating.

I find that making myself move and do things that were enjoyable to me in the past helps to keep the wolves at bay.
It's very hard to push myself, but it gets worse if I just plex and do nothing, I have been dealing with these same issues for three years now as I have made and started to execute my exit plan.
There are solid, easy to obtain methods, this site has many links and directions so to speak.

Nitrogen/full face mask, pills and booze to prime are the method I have chosen.
Pretty simple to set up, peaceful and high success rate if planned out and practiced beforehand.

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

Saaaaaaame. I was going to do SN, but I never bought the supplies because my life started improving and I wanted to hold off to see if things were worth living for. But then when I went back to check the source, it was gone. :( So now I'm pretty much left with methods that could be prone to failing (like jumping), and the risk of living a life even worse than this terrifies me into not doing it yet (although had a close call a short while ago). Kinda wish I would have bought it when I had the chance.

I seldom post on here, but I'm having a difficult week and I just want to vent (even if this has all been said a million times by other users).

I am so frustrated with the lack of a method available. Earlier this year, I came to the conclusion that after 7 years of depression and countless failed attempts at getting better, I've had enough and that I would end my life. Going into this I had no idea just how difficult it would be to CTB in a somewhat peaceful way. I naively thought there was a chance of obtaining N. When I found out N was nearly impossible to get, I moved on the idea of CTB with the DDMAPH method only to once again be stumped when I found out that obtaining morphine (even on the dark web) was impossible. So then I settled on SN only to find out that as of early 2023, it's nearly impossible to get in the United States. I am beyond exhausted of living an agonizing life.

For months I've considered both hanging and death by pistol. I don't even own a pistol, but I've considered purchasing one. I've seen videos of people ending their lives this way and I don't know how the hell I can bring myself to do it that way. And the idea of ending up in vegetative state or even disfigured because of a firearm misaim is goddamn terrifying. I know every method has risks, but I wish there was a more peaceful way.

My personal relationships are deteriorating and I hardly have the will to even get out of bed or leave the house. Even as recently as two years ago I was at least functional. The lack of method makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box and this severe depression is fucking with my brain.

It's frustrating but have you considered the CO Method using charcoal in a tent for example or in a small bathroom at home? Everything needed is cheap,easily available and in the crucial moments SI isn't disturbing. I hope you find peace and I wish you all the best.

I may have to research this further, thanks.

 

[Eudaimonic]

I moved on the idea of CTB with the DDMAPH method only to once again be stumped when I found out that obtaining morphine (even on the dark web) was impossible.

To my understanding, M in DDMAPh can be replaced, and Ph is not strictly necessary but hastens death.

For months I've considered both hanging and death by pistol. I don't even own a pistol, but I've considered purchasing one. I've seen videos of people ending their lives this way and I don't know how the hell I can bring myself to do it that way. And the idea of ending up in vegetative state or even disfigured because of a firearm misaim is goddamn terrifying. I know every method has risks, but I wish there was a more peaceful way.

A shotgun is superior to a pistol if you can get one. A high-caliber pistol can work, too, but is inferior. It is indeed scary to imagine inflicting that violence on oneself, though. The prospect of failure, no matter how faint, is harrowing. But the risks can be minimized with a shotgun or high-caliber handgun/rifle, buckshot/slugs if shotgun or high-caliber JHP if handgun/rifle, and proper placement.

The lack of method makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box and this severe depression is fucking with my brain.

I know what you mean. I feel like once I procure the means, I will feel leagues better than I currently do. Right now, it's all so uncertain, and I feel trapped.