Hello, first of all sorry for my poor English because of i am not as English native. i am Asian Therefore somtimes i am hard to understand and talk with member.
i am deadly deep depression patient.
before i became depression patient, there is many happen that i hard to say.
well without many happen, i am super-deep-patient. i always think Death.
i treid to die several times, literally not only haning but also niterogen and carbon coal briquette etc, i was failed. i really tried 15times more. i have many scars also. that make me hard on my country's strict society.
someday i cant get part-time jobs because of my scars. my friends was pass away when i tried to die with them. one of them is who i really loved. when i visited she's home she's grandmother said :Do you know where K's money ? wow i really surprised, she was not telling me that why she want to die she was always active and positive also had many friends and she is pretty but finally i got that.
so if ask me that i want to die and became a depression patient is my family ? well maybe my family is not awful but from me my family is bad. i always regard as i have no parents.
also plus, i was studying fine art. oil painting. i thought only art can rescue to me. because schopenhaeur said that.
But i suddenly stop it, and studying another major, however , my depression always make bothering to me. My depression always think the my past. My friends, my faild, when i was fun and exciting....
so i done... i cannot do anything anymore.
i am tried... so fucking tired ...
My youth is only suffering, loneliness, and longing.
one of my German friend said why are you want to die ?there is no guarantee of afterlife that you are happy and important is everything is will be gone. pain and happiness also. for example i was exhausted from business trip but i am fine now. and i thought i really envy him because of i cannot think like that and he is really suitable to live on this world..but.. but i cant live as that...
Also i dont have a lot of friends that i can talk to me of reailty.
My freinds think i am postive and active. I dont expresss my feeling and scars.
But i am always suffer from depression. If i keep live many social stimulus make me suicial always.
Therefore i have bought N last on Thursday, but something is getting wrong.
really hard to die.