As far as I can tell, I was born with depression. I remember being around eight and feeling a sad nostalgia for a happier time that had never even existed. I was a little kid laying awake at night crying out of sadness without knowing why. I didn't even know about depression or what it was until halfway through high school because no one ever talked about it or even mentioned it. This was the early eighties through the late nineties and it was like nobody even knew it existed.
It was the same with suicide. Nobody talked about it under any circumstances. Even when I was nine and I found my friend's older brother unconscious in his car parked in front of their house with his wrists cut open and a bloody razor blade sitting on the dash board. Nobody (including my parents) tried to talk to me about it, or ask what I thought or felt about it or even if I was okay. Everyone just pretended that it didn't happen and the older brother was sent to live somewhere else and I didn't see him again until about ten years later.
The idea and possibility of killing myself didn't occur to me until I was around 29. I was so used to being sad all the time because it is all I have ever known. It wasn't until circumstances in my life took a turn for the unacceptably horrible that I first thought about committing suicide. Since then, it has been in my thoughts on a constant basis.
The fucked up thing is that I have directly prevented four suicides, and now I am desperately hoping that no one prevents my own.
And yes, I still cry and feel sad nostalgia for a happier time, but now it is for parts of my life and myself that I have truly lost.
