Depressed for too long

[Lonely Music]

I just wanted to put my thoughts into words. When will I find peace. I'm so exhausted from all my negativity. I've tried for a while to figure out what's wrong with me and have searched for help.
Life is cruel, I'm a fragile person. I took antidepressants for most of my twenties. I'm 31 now, that seems like a good time, although a little late, to end my life. I have been trying to stop them for the past year or so, taking them on and off.

I have a music obsession and have been working on an album for about 5 weeks. I hope to finish it before I off myself. I've been running a lot this past year and ran 100 miles in November. I plan on running 110 in December. I have had my heart broken many times. Find happiness within, they said. For the past year I've truly understood that no one can help me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm trying my best to do things to make my life better. I'm still obsessing about how pointless my life is and how I screwed up relationships with girls and how I'm just a piece of shit.

My thoughts are getting old and I know that suicide is the answer. It pisses me off that I can't get professional assistance to kill myself. People have their own lives and experiences. Sometimes you just know in your gut what your destiny is and I know mine. I ordered sodium nitrite a few months ago. I don't trust myself enough to know what the fuck I'm doing when it comes to this stuff. I'm just venting because my survival instinct is annoying. I hope we all find peace in life or death.

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

I relate to a bulk of this. I'm 22 just a week shy of being 23 but I'm ready to off myself from this world. The only thing that truly makes me happy is music but I can't play any instruments and my songwriting sucks. I'm a mediocre singer and my tone would never work for the genre of music I'd like to make. Plus making music just seems unrealistic as I tend to fuck up everything. This is my 5th year of college and I'm hating more than I ever have. I'm getting a meaningless degree to match my meaningless life. I also suck in the relationship department. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and I'm just ready to ctb. Sorry for hijacking your post. I hope you're proud of the fact that you've actually accomplished things before you left here. You seem like a cool person.

 

[Moonicide]

I can relate a lot. I'm very fragile as well, but on the creative / artistic side like you. There's still things I'm working on before ctb, and it's amazing how we can tap into that despite knowing our fate, you know? I think it's awesome that you're doing all these things before you ctb. You are trying, and that is something to acknowledge. Very proud of you. I really do hope you find peace.

 

[hhsp]

I am 53 and have the same troubles and experiences...depressed for 35 Years what a nightmare, but I have experienced a lot of cool things, very weird stuff. Lived abroad. Lived on a tropical island for 5 Years....of course with daily suicidal thoughts...my mind wants to kill me, I need to live beyond the mind beyond the personality.

Sorry, but you feel to young to ctb for me IMHO. Maybe start traveling backpack style and find people who love music like you do and play with them. Sorry to give you advice, you will be very clear what to do next I believe and you will feel calm and centered. I am a meditation guy ...lol...music is a form of meditation, mostly the mind shuts down and there is just presence. It is beautiful, I can be like that in nature.
it was a lot of times really unbearable pain since I did not use much medication. Some sedation sometimes but not a lot. Lots of medication screws me up even more and I feel like I loose the beautiful side of sensitivity, which for me is mostly being in nature, listen to rain, be fully present etc.
Last month I had to retreat alone in my flat just lying down. Lost 20 pounds am near being underweight. Can not find my appetite. Feel not hungry at all, very hard to eat something. Feels like something in me shuts down this body-mind bio-robot.
I am glad I made it over 50 but now I plan on exiting this month. If a miracle happens and i can find some shred of not-pain, I will continue but if its so much crying, so much weakness I will just take a SN drink and bond with eternity ;) it will be easy no fear, calm and relaxed. I hate to die with my stupid mind chattering total bullshit and even wanting to kill me.
Manb I wish I could run 100 miles in a month. My body feels fragile but maybe that is just because I am so sensitive
anyways i write too much