Ive been spending a lot of time in therapy and have been in search of "finding myself", both within relationships and through meditation.. This time spent has allowed me to realize I am in complete denial about who I am. I've managed to push away thoughts about my sexuality for months and years. I've pushed people that loved and cared about me far away. Anytime a little bit of reality surfaces I panic and I run. My previous relationship was becoming so very real, I loved her so much but the pain of the wanting things to be a specific way grew to be too much for me and I ran. If I feel out of control, I become frantic and withdrawal. I pretend everything is fine but it's really not. I feel that isolating myself from life maybe makes me think I have some kind of control on things but it doesn't. I ache so badly for what I wish things could be. The months go on and now I find myself obsessing over the idea of being alone. I then go into this loop, convincing myself I'll never have a chance at happiness, not feeling confident to express how I feel, terrified to be honest about who I am. Terrified to admit it. It's so incredibly depressing and lonesome. I just wish I could be happy, I don't want to live this way. It isn't as easy as just accepting myself. There are so many moving parts, things that follow in line, it's all too much to think about sometimes. I'm just so sad.
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