TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,707
Has anyone ever self-sabotage themselves in life such deliberately messing something up, whether it is something related to a career, a job, responsibilities, tasks in life? Basically when you deliberately ruin an opportunity because you simply don't wish to deal with life anymore? I had numerous times in life where I did just that because I was simply tired of life and didn't really look forward to living in the long term, so I pretty much just let things rot, deteriorate, and/or purposefully just ruin things for myself.
Before anyone jumps on me for being 'stupid' or 'unintelligent' allow me to explain. When I simply don't give a shit, I just don't give a shit. This means that consequences (whatever they may be) stemming from that particular incident, activity, or situation. I also had people "guilt trip and shame" (put me down verbally and emotionally) over my choices, but once again, the purpose isn't to try to "get back" at them per se, nor is it to elicit pity (I hate pity in fact, it's degrading and insulting-- not to be confused with empathy, which is different). I do this self-sabotage partly because of a 'cope' and also to show that I simply just 'don't give a shit' about what happens and to rebel. I don't care what they think about me because when I just want to CTB and what not, nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. It also gives me a feeling of control (even if the consequences are negative) and calm knowing that I am rebelling against said system, it's empowering.
For example, I was reluctant to job searching and half-assed it for a period of time because I didn't like the way society and government didn't support CTB. I still despise the fact that CTB isn't really 'legal' and one can be locked up against one's will for simply talking about CTB ideation, let alone having a means and a plan. Having that part of me, I decided well fuck it, I don't want to wageslave to support a society and government in which not only doesn't hold my values, is anti-choice, anti freedom of choice in regards to CTB, therefore, I am not gonna go and apply for a job to support myself just end up paying taxes to support a system that not only do I fundamentally disagree with, but also persecutes me like me (those who have CTB ideation and wants to check out). I hate the fact that I have to hide my real intentions, put on a mask, secretly acquire my means to CTB, and then with all that done, when the time comes, I'm alone in the battle to overcome SI and succeed in said attempt. Ultimately, I did get a job, but I just do the bare minimal to keep it and get by. It may disappoint some people who know me IRL and expected more out of me, but fuck them, I'm not giving my 110% just to get screwed over later on.
Another example is when I acted out when I was frustrated about something. It was sometime in 2015, I had some issues with someone else (long story though) and whatever it was, I never really resolved it, so given how I am, I decided, well fuck it, nothing really matters much. Therefore, I just acted up and didn't care about what others thought of me, because fuck it, nothing really changes and people aren't going to suddenly change their minds because I 'acted' differently or become something they are expecting; they already have their pre-conceived notions and ideas about me already, so I asked myself, "Why waste all the effort to change something that I can't change?" So I decided fuck it with social life and stuff, it's hopeless and isn't going to change.
A third mini-example would be when I performed in front of an audience and I expected to do well enough to my liking, but something happened and I wasn't able to do what I wanted, basically my performance fell short of my expectations (mistakes and errors, poor playing, etc.) so then I decided, fuck it, if I was gonna have a 80% performance might as well have a 60% performance because it was already fucked. So in that instance, I went ahead and just went ham with the piece that I'm performing and simply just didn't give a shit.
Fourth mini-example is also when I was in grade school, back when there was an incentive for perfect behavior. If one never has any blackmarks or anything for misbehavior or any infractions, they get a reward (we will say Tier 3, which is the highest reward), but if they have at least one infraction, they may still get some reward, but just not as good as the first one. So in short, I had one minor infraction and automatically, I don't qualify for Tier 3, so then I decided "fuck it" if I can't get the best, might as well screw the rest (of the rewards). So I just misbehaved, did worse than I normally would, maybe it caught the attention of the teacher, but again I didn't give a shit about consequences because AFAIC (As far as I'm concerned), I only CARE about the top highest reward and because that is no longer attainable, I have no incentive to strive for the next best. Maybe that is stupid, but I don't care whether it hurts me in the long run or not, because once you decided everything else is shit (even consolation prizes) then nothing matters...
I have many more examples, but these are really just a few cases in which I have self-sabotaged myself. Have you ever self-sabotaged yourself in life? Feel free to explain or give examples of such, be it career-wise, personal, or anything.
Before anyone jumps on me for being 'stupid' or 'unintelligent' allow me to explain. When I simply don't give a shit, I just don't give a shit. This means that consequences (whatever they may be) stemming from that particular incident, activity, or situation. I also had people "guilt trip and shame" (put me down verbally and emotionally) over my choices, but once again, the purpose isn't to try to "get back" at them per se, nor is it to elicit pity (I hate pity in fact, it's degrading and insulting-- not to be confused with empathy, which is different). I do this self-sabotage partly because of a 'cope' and also to show that I simply just 'don't give a shit' about what happens and to rebel. I don't care what they think about me because when I just want to CTB and what not, nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. It also gives me a feeling of control (even if the consequences are negative) and calm knowing that I am rebelling against said system, it's empowering.
For example, I was reluctant to job searching and half-assed it for a period of time because I didn't like the way society and government didn't support CTB. I still despise the fact that CTB isn't really 'legal' and one can be locked up against one's will for simply talking about CTB ideation, let alone having a means and a plan. Having that part of me, I decided well fuck it, I don't want to wageslave to support a society and government in which not only doesn't hold my values, is anti-choice, anti freedom of choice in regards to CTB, therefore, I am not gonna go and apply for a job to support myself just end up paying taxes to support a system that not only do I fundamentally disagree with, but also persecutes me like me (those who have CTB ideation and wants to check out). I hate the fact that I have to hide my real intentions, put on a mask, secretly acquire my means to CTB, and then with all that done, when the time comes, I'm alone in the battle to overcome SI and succeed in said attempt. Ultimately, I did get a job, but I just do the bare minimal to keep it and get by. It may disappoint some people who know me IRL and expected more out of me, but fuck them, I'm not giving my 110% just to get screwed over later on.
Another example is when I acted out when I was frustrated about something. It was sometime in 2015, I had some issues with someone else (long story though) and whatever it was, I never really resolved it, so given how I am, I decided, well fuck it, nothing really matters much. Therefore, I just acted up and didn't care about what others thought of me, because fuck it, nothing really changes and people aren't going to suddenly change their minds because I 'acted' differently or become something they are expecting; they already have their pre-conceived notions and ideas about me already, so I asked myself, "Why waste all the effort to change something that I can't change?" So I decided fuck it with social life and stuff, it's hopeless and isn't going to change.
A third mini-example would be when I performed in front of an audience and I expected to do well enough to my liking, but something happened and I wasn't able to do what I wanted, basically my performance fell short of my expectations (mistakes and errors, poor playing, etc.) so then I decided, fuck it, if I was gonna have a 80% performance might as well have a 60% performance because it was already fucked. So in that instance, I went ahead and just went ham with the piece that I'm performing and simply just didn't give a shit.
Fourth mini-example is also when I was in grade school, back when there was an incentive for perfect behavior. If one never has any blackmarks or anything for misbehavior or any infractions, they get a reward (we will say Tier 3, which is the highest reward), but if they have at least one infraction, they may still get some reward, but just not as good as the first one. So in short, I had one minor infraction and automatically, I don't qualify for Tier 3, so then I decided "fuck it" if I can't get the best, might as well screw the rest (of the rewards). So I just misbehaved, did worse than I normally would, maybe it caught the attention of the teacher, but again I didn't give a shit about consequences because AFAIC (As far as I'm concerned), I only CARE about the top highest reward and because that is no longer attainable, I have no incentive to strive for the next best. Maybe that is stupid, but I don't care whether it hurts me in the long run or not, because once you decided everything else is shit (even consolation prizes) then nothing matters...
I have many more examples, but these are really just a few cases in which I have self-sabotaged myself. Have you ever self-sabotaged yourself in life? Feel free to explain or give examples of such, be it career-wise, personal, or anything.
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