Delerium

[Pan]

I have been living in hell's equivalent since December 8, 2018, when I becamsedelerious due to high fever and assaulted a nurse during sleepwalking. While I was not conscious, the attending physicians described it as a delirium due to high fever. My dear wife of twenty five years died at her me, alone ne the next day. I was charged with a misdemeanor by nurse in question, and the case was continued without a finding. Since then, I have isolated myself in my home, as I am sure my neighbors know. There is'nt a day that goes by since then when I don't think about hanging myself. The shame is profound. Apart from that incident, I have never assaulted anyone. I feel like ending my life right now. Please help me.

 

[noctiva]

Hei Pan,
No I had not read this post before, but I have now. I am so sorry about what happened to you, so much trauma and so much pain in such rapid succession and the isolation and loneliness that you have suffered since then!
I do not even know how to properly express how sorry I am, words seem to not be good enough to convey my sadness reading what happened to you and what situation you are in now.
It sounds like you are not a violent person, your agony over this incident and the fever in combination with sleepwalking sounds like you are not to blame. In addition to the shame and the feeling of guilt due to the assault on the nurse, you have lost your wife and you weren't even able to be by her side during her passing. This must be heart wrenching!
I understand that you are afraid of the judgement of the neighbors and that you have withdrawn into the safety of your own home. I am currently also at home, on medical leave, my 4th week now of 6. I am so lonely, I am so alone. I have lost my family, not due to death, but due to not being deemed worthy enough to be with them anymore. The loss of my family and the crushing isolation that has followed is the reason why I want to ctb. But I don't know if there is still hope for me to turn around, or not.. While I do want to end it every day, I also fight it every day because the tiny amount of hope that still lives in my chest is very hard to kill (I want to give a quick shoutout to @Stan here, whose view on my situation has preserved my life until now).
You have reached out here on the forum, if you want to ctb, you will find a lot of useful information to ensure a quick and painless death. However, we have a lot of really nice and kind people here that you can talk to while researching. You are not alone anymore, and however you decide, you will find people here to listen and to help. My method is SN, as such I cannot help you with your method, but if I can listen to you, feel free to reach out via PM or chat.
I want to once again express my sympathies to you, your situation sounds awful and I truly feel for you. I know it is hard, but you deserve kindness, including from yourself. Whether you journey towards death or towards recovery, be kind to yourself.

 

[XoXoNae]

Y

Hei Pan,
No I had not read this post before, but I have now. I am so sorry about what happened to you, so much trauma and so much pain in such rapid succession and the isolation and loneliness that you have suffered since then!
I do not even know how to properly express how sorry I am, words seem to not be good enough to convey my sadness reading what happened to you and what situation you are in now.
It sounds like you are not a violent person, your agony over this incident and the fever in combination with sleepwalking sounds like you are not to blame. In addition to the shame and the feeling of guilt due to the assault on the nurse, you have lost your wife and you weren't even able to be by her side during her passing. This must be heart wrenching!
I understand that you are afraid of the judgement of the neighbors and that you have withdrawn into the safety of your own home. I am currently also at home, on medical leave, my 4th week now of 6. I am so lonely, I am so alone. I have lost my family, not due to death, but due to not being deemed worthy enough to be with them anymore. The loss of my family and the crushing isolation that has followed is the reason why I want to ctb. But I don't know if there is still hope for me to turn around, or not.. While I do want to end it every day, I also fight it every day because the tiny amount of hope that still lives in my chest is very hard to kill (I want to give a quick shoutout to @Stan here, whose view on my situation has preserved my life until now).
You have reached out here on the forum, if you want to ctb, you will find a lot of useful information to ensure a quick and painless death. However, we have a lot of really nice and kind people here that you can talk to while researching. You are not alone anymore, and however you decide, you will find people here to listen and to help. My method is SN, as such I cannot help you with your method, but if I can listen to you, feel free to reach out via PM or chat.
I want to once again express my sympathies to you, your situation sounds awful and I truly feel for you. I know it is hard, but you deserve kindness, including from yourself. Whether you journey towards death or towards recovery, be kind to yourself.

you are so kind!! It makes me feel very safe am having someone as level headed and compassionate at the same time. It is nice to be involved with people who don't judge. It feels freeing.

 

[Pan]

Hei Pan,
No I had not read this post before, but I have now. I am so sorry about what happened to you, so much trauma and so much pain in such rapid succession and the isolation and loneliness that you have suffered since then!
I do not even know how to properly express how sorry I am, words seem to not be good enough to convey my sadness reading what happened to you and what situation you are in now.
It sounds like you are not a violent person, your agony over this incident and the fever in combination with sleepwalking sounds like you are not to blame. In addition to the shame and the feeling of guilt due to the assault on the nurse, you have lost your wife and you weren't even able to be by her side during her passing. This must be heart wrenching!
I understand that you are afraid of the judgement of the neighbors and that you have withdrawn into the safety of your own home. I am currently also at home, on medical leave, my 4th week now of 6. I am so lonely, I am so alone. I have lost my family, not due to death, but due to not being deemed worthy enough to be with them anymore. The loss of my family and the crushing isolation that has followed is the reason why I want to ctb. But I don't know if there is still hope for me to turn around, or not.. While I do want to end it every day, I also fight it every day because the tiny amount of hope that still lives in my chest is very hard to kill (I want to give a quick shoutout to @Stan here, whose view on my situation has preserved my life until now).
You have reached out here on the forum, if you want to ctb, you will find a lot of useful information to ensure a quick and painless death. However, we have a lot of really nice and kind people here that you can talk to while researching. You are not alone anymore, and however you decide, you will find people here to listen and to help. My method is SN, as such I cannot help you with your method, but if I can listen to you, feel free to reach out via PM or chat.
I want to once again express my sympathies to you, your situation sounds awful and I truly feel for you. I know it is hard, but you deserve kindness, including from yourself. Whether you journey towards death or towards recovery, be kind to yourself.

Thanx for your kindness and support; that you don't judge me harshly means a great deal...in fact, it is wonderful indeed to find a friend one can unburden with. I am not certain about what I plan on doing; cyanide or hanging.seem that me the best methods, I think.

 

[noctiva]

Thanx for your kindness and support; that you don't judge me harshly means a great deal...in fact, it is wonderful indeed to find a friend one can unburden with. I am not certain about what I plan on doing; cyanide or hanging.seem that me the best methods, I think.

People that have come to this forum are all looking for a way to end their pain, physical or mental, through the most drastic manner you can end your pain. This I think does tell you something about the depth and severity of that pain! I think people have gotten to that point because they have been judged harshly and unfairly by people in their close real life circle. Judgement is a 'me against you' moral attitude, which doesn't help anyone, except if you want to force conformity with your views. Why should I judge you when life has already treated you abysmally? You seem like a genuinely kind person who has lost a great deal and is heavily burdened by guilt and shame. You don't deserve judgement at all!
Kindness and compassion are traits that, like love, need to be practiced towards others as well as towards ourselves. I think people deserve that I try to be open minded, understanding and supportive. I don't always succeed, but I try.

 

[Pan]

People that have come to this forum are all looking for a way to end their pain, physical or mental, through the most drastic manner you can end your pain. This I think does tell you something about the depth and severity of that pain! I think people have gotten to that point because they have been judged harshly and unfairly by people in their close real life circle. Judgement is a 'me against you' moral attitude, which doesn't help anyone, except if you want to force conformity with your views. Why should I judge you when life has already treated you abysmally? You seem like a genuinely kind person who has lost a great deal and is heavily burdened by guilt and shame. You don't deserve judgement at all!
Kindness and compassion are traits that, like love, need to be practiced towards others as well as towards ourselves. I think people deserve that I try to be open minded, understanding and supportive. I don't always succeed, but I try.

Thanx for your kindness and support. These are not mere words; I genuinely appreciate all of it!

 

[XoXoNae]

People that have come to this forum are all looking for a way to end their pain, physical or mental, through the most drastic manner you can end your pain. This I think does tell you something about the depth and severity of that pain! I think people have gotten to that point because they have been judged harshly and unfairly by people in their close real life circle. Judgement is a 'me against you' moral attitude, which doesn't help anyone, except if you want to force conformity with your views. Why should I judge you when life has already treated you abysmally? You seem like a genuinely kind person who has lost a great deal and is heavily burdened by guilt and shame. You don't deserve judgement at all!
Kindness and compassion are traits that, like love, need to be practiced towards others as well as towards ourselves. I think people deserve that I try to be open minded, understanding and supportive. I don't always succeed, but I try.

Noctavia it's people like you that remind me good does still exist in others. Thank You!!
*Noctivia

 

[Pan]

Thank you, xoxonae, for your kind support; feel trapped in my house...I am not being paranoid when I tell you that I am being subjected to harassment and don'tknow Where to turn. If they want my body, they can have it, via hanging, stabbing, whatever.

 

[noctiva]

Hei Pan, I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
I'm sorry you are trapped and harassed, people can be so cruel and cold towards those suffering. I wish I could help you.
If you truly want to end your life, look around for some good methods, there is the pinned resources thread to begin with and then heaps amount of posts on different methods in the forum, check out the search function in the top right corner on the page header.
Try to be kind and gentle with yourself, you may choose death but you do not have to resort to slow and painful deaths. With some research here you should be able to find a fast and more peaceful method for yourself than stabbing yourself to satisfy the peoples want for your body.
I can hear your desperation and pain in your posts, but even if the world treats you cruelly and unfairly, you do not need to follow suit and treat yourself badly as well. You know your heart and you know that you have not acted maliciously, you know the shame, guilt and pain you feel over the incident with the nurse, over your wife's death, the isolation following both events.
You are a kind man in a very bad situation, treat yourself accordingly: with kindness.

 

[Pan]

I am being harassed by my neighbors; I am not being paranoid. Spent my time drinking and caring for my dog. His name is Chucho, and he is of the xoloitzcuintli breed (Mexican hairless with a punker crest. He is my only companion.

 

[noctiva]

I'm sorry, Pan, I did not mean to insinuate that you are paranoid at all, I am sorry if you read my post that way.

 

[Pan]

Hello noctiva and many thanx for you support. Please know how much I appreciate it. You are a wonderful, sensitive person. Unfortunately, sensitivity counts for very little iin this hellish world we live with in. I always believed that kindness was rewarded by kindness. Apart from your words, I know that I couldn't look at myself the mirror if I were like the hateful people surrounding me. How to do it remains the paramount question. Cyanide and Nembutal seem sketchy, given that those professing to sell there drugs are themselves after quick cash...what a world, yes?

 

[Pan]

Hi noctiva. If you ever visit u.s. and need a place to stay, my home is yours. I live outside of Boston. No hassles, no stress, just good weed, good ambience.