defining grotesque

[link182]

In my blogs i often go by the grotesque blogger. I would like to define what i mean when i say the word grotesque. I don't just hate my life i completely despise it. I see my life not as a human but as a creature that is grotesque and one that needs snuffed out. Why you may ask, well to start with I'm in my mid 30's I'm unable to function properly. To simplify it i can't hold a job, can't even be around most other people without having a complete anxiety attack. I mean for decades its been fine i self isolated but now I'm relying on things like uber more and more and each time i debate if i should make myself sick to avoid going. Another reason i find my life grotesque is not only do others cause me to be highly anxious its kinda like a paradox, i have no interest in being around others despite being anxious and terrified leaving my home i find human interaction bland and unimportant. So its not something i want to cure or fix its something i would rather avoid to be perfectly honest others make me anxious, terrified and at the same time completely bland and just want no part in the lives of others. I find no human connection to others and i like it that way seeing they make me anxious and all i would just as well wish they would just go away. I do not believe in the concept all humans require human companionship for me I find it both unimportant and terrifying at the same time. After doing a bit of research i believe i both have agoraphobia and have schizoid traits. In fact i been self identifying as a schizoid for awhile now its not much of a question for me. The real question is might i also have agoraphobia I honestly think i do. To have both is odd two disorders that flip the entire coin and create a perfect storm. Like i said I'm a creature less than human. I don't speak in riddles these are traits i see clearly and have had for decades. As i explore my mental health It makes sense to me I'm more grotesque than previously thought. To top it off I find myself caught in constant daily drama i do not even care about like housing or food and just basic things. Let me be clear here i do not value my life not do i respect or agree with my own mortality it completely disgusted me and i absolutely despise it. The word grotesque is the definition of my viewpoint of my existence.

I made this video below specifically for this blog

 

[DenseWoodsCadaver]

youre not alone in this, i feel like if being human is doing this and that, im anything but human, and my existence is a flaw that shall be exterminated

 

[link182]

More to this blog-
Time fits the key lock and can lock and unlock doors. Time is the definition of change if given enough of it. Recently I was asked by my therapist to write a blog focusing on positives over negatives. This is an interesting concept I decided to give it a go while the negatives are still enough to drown out the positives i decided to oblige the request.


I'm very introspective which is why I can point out the negative so easily. But being introspective itself can be a positive it allows me to be authentic. No nonsense i point out my flaws when I spot them.


I'm also good at writing sure while most of my writing is pretty negative at least it's not a fabrication to gain internet fame. Others opinions mean absolutely nothing to me and play no part in my writing. My writing is raw and honest reflection of my life rather negative or positive. If i write it then it means it's an honest testimony of the past present or future unless stated other wise. My writing has no room for misunderstanding or second guessing it's raw and unfiltered honesty.


I have a rather large family which I live with a good chunk of them. I'm told this is a positive but only in the eyes of others is this a positive. A positive would be if I had my own life but that is never going to happen still I'll list it as a positive because it's not completely a negative. This could be a slight positive leaning more mutual.


Another positive is i can enjoy fantasy in more ways than one rather it's a book video game or TV show/movie. While a book for me usually means audio formats it's still the same content how you consume it doesn't really matter. I could get lost in certain forms of media. A very good way to relieve stress.


I now get ssi because of my mental health. This is a huge positive as it gives me an income. I would rather the government stop interfering in my personal decisions but an income is better than nothing. I'm not about to turn down an income but i think its wrong that mental health is seen as something that needs to be cured and sent for treatment when other ideas are even suspected. The government pushes life as a mandate but life should be a choice one makes, not a job one is assigned.. While i have mixed feelings of ssi the bottom line is I do not inherently value my own life, but the government forces me to keep living it.


The biggest positive at least in my point of view is just lack of human interest. I don't need want or even think of human companionship. I find it an unnecessary bad habit possibly for me even unhealthy. It's a positive thing to minimize all human contact.I don't think I'm a schizoid, I know I am. I been Self identifying as one for years. It's not a question in my mind it's a fact. And I see it as a positive fact one that gives me self identification. I don't need or want human contact its the fact i can't find solitude that is the major negative. A self identifying schizoid with Major Depressive Disorder and possibly agoraphobia which is something I only recently heard of.


I say schizoid for a genuine uninterest in being in the presence of others. I say possible agoraphobia because besides the uninterest, I feel completely overwhelmed full blown anxiety attacks when doing basic things that require being around others. An example of this on the holidays i almost got sick to avoid getting into the urber each day for the 3 days of uber trips but in the end decided against this course of action. When i get out of one trip 3 more appear in a short time frame giving me no time to mentally prepare. I'm unable to even stay above water anymore as i approach the surface something grabs my foot and pulls me back under. agoraphobia fits disturbingly well if it is mixed with mdd and schizoid traits. disinterest and anxiety are the prefect storm and i am the pawn caught in a never ending game of cat and mouse.





Writing the positives is great and all but the bad out weighs the good to be perfectly honest, my life is not worth living. I see my existence as something stuck to the bottom of my shoe disgusting, worthless grotesque creature. I only still exist because of lack of accessibility, if i did have it we would be having an entirely different conversation. The only real relief is slowly identifying my disorders and learning to minimize the symptoms.