Someplace_nice
Member
- Sep 28, 2024
- 92
Sometimes I find myself still fantasizing about CTB, I find new easier ways to buy I can't. I find new ways for SH, ones that won't hurt as bad as cutting, do I do them? No, I want to I even want to end it all still, I can't tho. I'm not as broken, beaten, neglected, nor even alone. I have him and the hope of kids, I have hope and not that empty kind either, the kind that makes you want to live, the kind that puts a smile on your face. I still have my mental problems and health problems, each day I feel like I get another one, I'm not getting abused anymore so I'm not shying away like a beaten puppy. Sometimes the happiness is still too good to be true, but most of the time it's real, no strings attached and no anxiety of what's to come. Healing is good and most people won't heal as fast as I did, it's worth it tho. It's hardest when you're by yourself I've definitely tried that and it was a test for sure, before I was being mentally abused but after the neglect, it was the best years of my life, I had ambition and dreams, I wanted to live. I stopped wondering when the bad things would happen, I thought that I could finally heal and that my family loved me again. One day was shining brighter than normal, ig that's when the universe thought it funny to keep giving me divine pranks. Everyday got worse and worse until it's was down right unbearable, CPS was only called on my oldest sister bc she showed her troubled life, they were call so often, The second oldest thought it wise to prank the whole school, only once were they called on her. My therapist wanted to call them but I said no when I was a child, in middle school were called bc of a jealous classmate. Me and the oldest sister are still bullied by our own mother to this day, the second sister would rather live with the mother, she sees what she does to us and yet still fights for her. I was the only one standing up for my sisters agenst our own mother, I get nothing in return but toxic sludge thrown at me by the oldest and ignored but the second. I was the sole protector and never asked for thanks, I just wanted them to do the same for me. Instead one of them quite literally watched first hand my mom lay into me called me names, yelling that I'm the problem, twisting my words to seem like daggers but infact was the wallpaper ripping away. She yelled and and twisted until I couldn't keep calm and yelled once, and she points at me, turns twords the second sister and says calmly, "See! Everytime I try to talk to her she yells at me!" She didn't look or even say a word to me, just stood up and walked away quietly. My mom says that she doesn't know why I am empty and have no empathy, is there really a question? Everytime she says that flashes of my childhood come back to me and so does a part of me that I've put away. I catch myself asking why I'm still suicidal and want to SH all the time, the question I should be asking is how am I not more broken? How did I heal so fast? Everyone I knew always left me or bullied me, I literally had no one, not until I stated my maladaptive day dreaming. Sometimes you don't know how strong you are until you look back at the path you've walked and realize that it was much worse than you remembered it. Even now I still find myself protecting others and no one protecting me, my husband is trying very hard tho and I am so very proud everytime he does. No one can protect you all of the time tho and when they can't it doesn't mean that they don't love you, it means you need to put your defense back up and teach them with this one.
