Decline and resentment.

[Misanthrope]

I secured supported housing for one of my loved ones. Seems a good place that can attend to his complex needs in my absence. My happiness at this though was an entirely ugly one. One down and ticked off the list. One to go. What an ugly creature I have become...

I do feel I have an obligation to the people most important in my life. My grandmother is last on my list. When I was growing up she was who I fled to from my abusive stepfather. She was there for me when I was scared and in pain. I owe her so much so I will fucking see this through. I am busy battling social services on her behalf. Its awkward because she is telling me she does not need them because she has me. My situation though has got worse and I have every intention of exiting early. It does not help that most in my life view me as somewhat foundational. My fault really I guard my emotion and do not put my pain on them but assist them to better handle theirs. But erroneously that leaves them viewing me as ever dependable.

They all think I am coping well with physical illness. Just another challenge to overcome like the Bipolar. Like I have gained enough quality of life despite sickness. Just because I am writing a book and still gaming and going out on occasion. That is not the case though, I am just going through the motions. Gaming is literally a tool to outrun the sickness. Writing is just me channeling my pent up emotion where all grammar standards have gone to die because I can't think any more or even be bothered. It will never get published as I won't be around to see it through and honestly it is more of a deflective topic. So it seems like I am doing something more than vomiting in bucket and wishing for death... That sort of truth though would not be a good response to, 'How are things?'

I won't get to see the Doctor sued who has accelerated this decision through their negligence. I am sure my father will maintain proceedings and my death will likely worsen her day. But I have no faith in justice regardless.

It all feels like that magicians trick where they rip a tablecloth from a fully set dining table. But I am not a magician and my death is going to be like flipping the table. The best I can do is put down a mattress and hope some crockery does not break. But that mattress is taking months to procure despite my best efforts. I will also have to drag it into place resenting every step required and manufacture energy from nothing to get it there.

I made the mistake of having my method on hand. So I am battling impulsive desire to just do it. Because every second is a second beyond what I want any more. I am also aware I have got to get through Christmas aware it will be my last. I hate Consumermass at the best of times but this is going to be emotionally hard. I have also gained a fear of food. Not surprising really.

January 12th will merely be the moment I get confirmation the mattress is being delivered. Beyond that though it could take even longer. So I am feeling so resentful and some of my mask is beginning to slip with just how irritable I am being with them. I am also actively aware I am lying, aware that the plans being made and offered by the people I value will never be realised. I truly hate this on every level.

I remember my early twenties after an attempt and my father getting me to promise he would not have to bury his own son. Ever since that day he has remained anxious when I don't get back to him. I can't help but think on how I am going to break that promise. His own mother and father passed not that long ago and I am his only son. I am just ruminating on all these sad things imagining the reactions and just how bad it could become. My brother could relapse after kicking hard drugs. My youngest friend I guess views me a bit like a father figure. My grandmother despite hopefully adequate social care and housing will be devastated. I am pretty much her world. My own family neglect her chronically.

But I just can't do this anymore. Love alone is not enough. I am really struggling to make this remaining time frame bearable. Because it really isn't and I don't know what to do about it. Or how to smother this resentment so I don't take it out on people around me. My carer lately has been copping a lot of flack from me. I apologised, said I was barely sleeping and pain was making me irritable to her presence. Still no excuse but my frustration is just so high. I am not myself and haven't been for several years now.

I am immensely fortunate to be surrounded by such wonderful loving people but weirdly I am so painfully alone. I just want it to end. I am so done but must endure just a bit longer. But it is so hard when I spent the better half of my day lying on the bathroom floor because it was cool down there and the toilet was close. With days like that ahead just a bit longer feels like an eternity.

 

[Final Escape]

Sounds like a difficult situation indeed.

 

[Misanthrope]

Marginally better day today. Picked up Planet Zoo, lost most of my day to that. It is all so tedious though and more hospital crap to face tomorrow even though it seems redundant as it will be worse news. Some days I wish there was repository of strength I could draw on. I am tired just thinking about tomorrow. Got to somehow find energy for thinking on gifts as well. Seems more pressured than usual as these will be the last, or maybe I am over thinking it... Wish there was a switch to turn off thinking for a while. Or time jump forward to the 12th of january so I know where I stand and consumermass and happy pretend is done with.

 

[Science Is Scary]

I've never heard of Planet Zoo, are you a fan of simulation games? I used to be a big fan of Sim City back in the day.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure of any evidence-based methods for improving energy levels. Hopefully someone else has done some research.

If you need some help picking out gifts, let me know. I have extra energy to spare.

I'm a big fan of your work and you as a person.

 

[Misanthrope]

I enjoy a good simulation game, get nicely lost in them. If you like Sim City you may want to look into Cities Skylines.

I don't think there is anything more I can do to get energy. Poor nutrition and disturbed sleep is not helping matters. I used to swim, that oddly enough used to give me energy. Maybe you can look into why that is the case biologically? I am finding it harder to read research these days. Also maybe look into exercise versus antidepressants. That would interest me since you are better at accessing this content.

I appreciate your posts too. Its funny you mentioned depressive realism. I got banned from a forum for discussing that. Pretty much told we don't encourage depression on this site. So I linked to a study on it explaining why it was relevant but still got banned any way. It is kinda tedious. Makes you sometimes wonder if there is any point if facts get you banned or insulted. My video games feel like they make more sense than the world I live in. On some level I am glad I am shutting down from it all.

Thanks for your kindness Science. If my brain continues to be cabbage on Christmas presents I may honestly take you up on that. I think bizarrely at the moment it feels emotionally painful staring at options. It is meant to be a happy time but I only have dread and a wish I could sleep through it. Got to put the mask on though.

 

[clandestine]

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. I can relate somewhat in that I have my own physical health problems which have beaten me down. Do you mind me asking what you suffer from? If we're talking about energy deficits, you might wanna think about thyroid.

You mentioned you have poor nutrition, is this through diet or a malabsorption problem? Deficiencies can definitely cause a lack of energy, b-complex vitamins in particular are highly implicated in the production of energy and ATP. Also, you might want to look into oxidative metabolism. Fatty acid oxidation creates less ATP at a slower rate than glucose oxidation does.

and then sleep disturbances aswell, high cortisol, high adrenaline are known to cause insomnia and sleeping troubles. Anti-cortisol substances can and have helped me sleep before. I'm no doctor, just a person who's sick myself and has tried learning along the way. I'm wrong often, and nowadays you can find conflicting evidence for just about anything out there, but maybe trying something could at least offer you some relief or comfort

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and yes, I believe that losing your independence and dignity is a big thing, something that I too, feared at various points in life. We are all just one accident or misfortune away from easily being in such a situation, where we would be dependent on others, losing our dignity, freedom, and independence, and suffering until the end of time. As for me, while I'm young, I have my own problems that I'm fighting through day by day. I can't say that I really enjoy life, but life has been ok enough for me to tolerate existence and not wish I was dead every waking moment. Anyways, I hope you are able to get some semblence of justice and/or vengeance against the ones who are responsible for your plight.

 

[L-L]

@Misanthrope you were one of the reasons I finally decided to stop lurking and actually join this forum. You write so beautifully, and with such thought that I always wanted to get to know you better and to understand you more. If you ever want somebody to vent to, somebody to discuss things with and bounce ideas off, I'd be more than happy to be that person.

Props to both yourself and @Science Is Scary for having an appreciation of Google Scholar and the concept of evidence, too.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Misanthrope you are an amazing writer and I feel terrible to know that you're in such a great deal of pain right now.
You're writings have caused me to get back into writing and the various things we have talked about including the works of Albert Camus has given me a newer perspective of things in relation to my current situation to which I will gratefully say it has made things really clearer. Because of that alone I have you to thank and you have my fullest wishes of mine to see yourself through this period of dread. You're a very good person for looking out for the remainder of your family and I believe you can make it through so the mattress can be set in time. You have my best of hope and luck for strength to move on through Christmas my good friend. Thank you so much, you'll always be in my good head.

 

[Misanthrope]

@clandestine

Yeah, health issues really do beat you down and worsen existing mental health issues as well. I have always had Bipolar disorder and battled with that. At some points, the medication that keeps it in check fails. So I went on to a new one. Unfortunately, I had a rare immune response that has gone on to ruin my liver, compromise my kidneys and led to stomach issues where even cucumber can revisit. Christmas is all about food, this is going to be an alienating experience just like last year. It has all been like a domino effect of bodily functions going wrong, with fresh issues adding to the list. I wish I could just stay in bed and not play happy pretend.

I am not particularly angry at the drug, as these sorts of risks are inherent in every medication. However, the way I was fobbed of repeatedly and how it was made out my worsening health was a symptom of my mental health, stress, or standard side effects is what I am angry at. If it had been dealt with when I first raised concerns I would likely have recovered. Hence legal proceedings.

Only when I wound up in the hospital was the extent of the damage revealed. That was two years ago. I am iller than ever so there is no value in continuing this pretence at being alive.

My sleep issues are really because I have been taken off most things. So racing thoughts are a pain, as is nausea waking me up. Getting occasional moments of psychosis, like being haunted can make settling down hard. Fortunately, I don't believe in ghosts and just find it an annoyance. I am likely going manic, but too sick to really act on it but it is making thinking straight hard at the moment.

I will look into anti cortisol. Thanks for the suggestion. How are you coping with your physical issues? What's your go-to tactic when it all feels like it is getting too much?


@thrw_a_way1221221

Thanks for your kind words. I have no faith in justice. Seen too many failures in the justice system. Feels like rewarding abusers and turning their victims into the thing to be vilified. Sigh. The medical profession also has robust legal protections in place. Life is not a disney film, where the plucky underdog wins sadly. Even my suicide can be dismissed on the basis I have a mental health diagnosis already...

It is a shame to me that you are living in a state of what sounds like autopilot. You have a dissecting analytical mind and I feel like if you could put that to good use you would likely feel more moments of fulfilment than drudgery. You have a passion for being opposed to the thought police, a passion for agency and rights over oneself. It comes through in the posts you write on here. But here is an empty echo chamber where however salient your views are will do little to change the world you inhabit.

I really think you should find others that have your same passion and enact it in the real world. Others who think like you do and harbour the same resentment but channel it towards paving the way for legislative changes. You ever considered getting involved in those sorts of organisations? Looking into them in your local area and just getting involved in something that would challenge you. That challenge could potentially be thrilling. You may also meaningfully connect with people around you because of a shared passions. The strength of people combined can be wonderfully motivating. We are not meant to exists as islands unto ourselves. May well give you more reason to get up than existing to exist. I really hope you can find some outlet where you can channel some of this. Instead of just being an astute observer to the broken systems around you. I really hope you can find some outlet where you can channel some of this.

@L-L
Sure, drop me a message if you like. I can be slow to respond, the balance of functional days versus not is increasingly weighted one way. I am not particularly fond of the one way street either so I would be equally interested in you as a person. I hope you can find the same radical acceptance I have found here. Just be aware people have a tendency to go grey and if you have got to know that person and valued their company, polite debates and fondness for films, the greying of their name is certainly felt. The nature of this site makes it inevitable that sense of loss will repeat the longer you are here.

@KadathianStr1d3r
That is awesome you got back into writing. It is immensely self gratifying to know I could provide you something constructive Kad. It improved my mood reading that. I hope you can continue to create your oasis amidst the sand dunes of the absurd. I also hope we will resume our conversation, been meaning to get back to you and a few others for a while but just been frazzled. Thanks for your kind sentiments.

 

[clandestine]

@Misanthrope

Wow that's definitely a lot. I'm sorry to hear, I hope you win the legal battle at least. The negligence is sickening and you deserve a big settlement, at the very least. I can relate to what you're saying about Christmas, I'm dreading it too, to be honest.

It's definitely a complicated situation. Like I said before, I'm not a doctor by any means, so please don't take my words as medical advice nor as telling you what to do or anything, I'm just giving you things for your consideration (:

It's probably best you're off of medication if your liver and kidneys are compromised. With certain forms of liver damage, TUDCA/UDCA, taurine and vitamin k2 can help regenerate it.

Ursodeoxycholic Acid - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

UDCA, NorUDCA, and TUDCA in Liver Diseases: A Review of Their Mechanisms of Action and Clinical Applications - PubMed

Bile acids (BAs) are key molecules in generating bile flow, which is an essential function of the liver. In the last decades, there have been great advances in the understanding of BA physiology, and new insights have emerged regarding the role of BAs in determining cell damage and death in...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Taurine and Liver Diseases: A Focus on the Heterogeneous Protective Properties of Taurine - PubMed

Taurine (2-aminoethylsulfonic acid) has many physiological and pharmacological functions in most tissues. It is abundantly maintained in the liver by both endogenous biosynthesis and exogenous transport, but is decreased in liver diseases. In the hepatic lobule, there are heterogeneous...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Vitamin K2-enhanced Liver Regeneration Is Associated With Oval Cell Expansion and Up-Regulation of matrilin-2 Expression in 2-AAF/PH Rat Model - PubMed

Normal liver has a great potential of regenerative capacity after partial hepatectomy. In clinic, however, most patients receiving partial hepatectomy are usually suffering from chronic liver diseases with severely damaged hepatocyte population. Under these conditions, activation of hepatic...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

High iron is often implicated in liver disease, so donating blood can be helpful in lowering stores. Full body sunlight exposure will increase vitamin D levels, although it's pretty hard to get right now in the winter (I think you're from the U.K. like me right?)

Vitamin E (and K again) is supposed to be protective of the kidneys.

Though I'd be wary about supplementing anything if both organs are badly compromised, and if you were gonna try anything, to do so with your doctor so he can keep an eye on your liver function and GFR.

The stomach issues make it harder to supplement orally, although you can always apply things topically, it's generally a safer route to take anyway.

Honestly, I don't handle my own health problems well lol. I flip flop a lot between despair and being cautiously optimistic when it comes to my health condition. I just can't accept it fully and a part of me constantly longs for recovery, despite never fully recovering. I just can't let go of that tiny, tiny slither of hope. I think part of what compounds the problem is not having a full on medical diagnosis, other than certain problems. It's probably why I spend as much time as I physically can researching, tryna figure this all out.

As for the anti cortisol, when I have that racing mind and can't sleep, honestly sugar is one of my go-to's and also a first generation antihistamine which has both an anti-seretoninergic (I don't really subscribe to the idea of serotonin as being the "happy hormone") and anti-cortisol action, cyproheptadine. Just a small amount is enough to put me to sleep. It also induces hunger so I don't know if that's a good idea for your current condition if you can't keep anything down.

But I also think that, now having a little more insight into your condition, that you're undereating because of your stomach issues, and so cortisol is generally gonna rise because your body is going to be stressed from a lack of calories and nutrition. There's debate about whether lowering cortisol itself is that helpful without addressing the root cause of the elevated levels, but I've definitely found lowering it can be helpful in a pinch.

 

[Misanthrope]

@Misanthrope

Wow that's definitely a lot. I'm sorry to hear, I hope you win the legal battle at least. The negligence is sickening and you deserve a big settlement, at the very least. I can relate to what you're saying about Christmas, I'm dreading it too, to be honest.

It's definitely a complicated situation. Like I said before, I'm not a doctor by any means, so please don't take my words as medical advice nor as telling you what to do or anything, I'm just giving you things for your consideration (:

It's probably best you're off of medication if your liver and kidneys are compromised. With certain forms of liver damage, TUDCA/UDCA, taurine and vitamin k2 can help regenerate it.

Ursodeoxycholic Acid - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

UDCA, NorUDCA, and TUDCA in Liver Diseases: A Review of Their Mechanisms of Action and Clinical Applications - PubMed

Bile acids (BAs) are key molecules in generating bile flow, which is an essential function of the liver. In the last decades, there have been great advances in the understanding of BA physiology, and new insights have emerged regarding the role of BAs in determining cell damage and death in...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Taurine and Liver Diseases: A Focus on the Heterogeneous Protective Properties of Taurine - PubMed

Taurine (2-aminoethylsulfonic acid) has many physiological and pharmacological functions in most tissues. It is abundantly maintained in the liver by both endogenous biosynthesis and exogenous transport, but is decreased in liver diseases. In the hepatic lobule, there are heterogeneous...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Vitamin K2-enhanced Liver Regeneration Is Associated With Oval Cell Expansion and Up-Regulation of matrilin-2 Expression in 2-AAF/PH Rat Model - PubMed

Normal liver has a great potential of regenerative capacity after partial hepatectomy. In clinic, however, most patients receiving partial hepatectomy are usually suffering from chronic liver diseases with severely damaged hepatocyte population. Under these conditions, activation of hepatic...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

High iron is often implicated in liver disease, so donating blood can be helpful in lowering stores. Full body sunlight exposure will increase vitamin D levels, although it's pretty hard to get right now in the winter (I think you're from the U.K. like me right?)

Vitamin E (and K again) is supposed to be protective of the kidneys.

Though I'd be wary about supplementing anything if both organs are badly compromised, and if you were gonna try anything, to do so with your doctor so he can keep an eye on your liver function and GFR.

The stomach issues make it harder to supplement orally, although you can always apply things topically, it's generally a safer route to take anyway.

Honestly, I don't handle my own health problems well lol. I flip flop a lot between despair and being cautiously optimistic when it comes to my health condition. I just can't accept it fully and a part of me constantly longs for recovery, despite never fully recovering. I just can't let go of that tiny, tiny slither of hope. I think part of what compounds the problem is not having a full on medical diagnosis, other than certain problems. It's probably why I spend as much time as I physically can researching, tryna figure this all out.

As for the anti cortisol, when I have that racing mind and can't sleep, honestly sugar is one of my go-to's and also a first generation antihistamine which has both an anti-seretoninergic (I don't really subscribe to the idea of serotonin as being the "happy hormone") and anti-cortisol action, cyproheptadine. Just a small amount is enough to put me to sleep. It also induces hunger so I don't know if that's a good idea for your current condition if you can't keep anything down.

But I also think that, now having a little more insight into your condition, that you're undereating because of your stomach issues, and so cortisol is generally gonna rise because your body is going to be stressed from a lack of calories and nutrition. There's debate about whether lowering cortisol itself is that helpful without addressing the root cause of the elevated levels, but I've definitely found lowering it can be helpful in a pinch.

Just wanted to say thanks. Sadly lack the wherewithal to read your robust links currently. However, I do really appreciate that they are there.

 

[Jumper]

"Yeah, health issues really do beat you down and worsen existing mental health issues as well. I have always had Bipolar disorder and battled with that. At some points, the medication that keeps it in check fails. So I went on to a new one. Unfortunately, I had a rare immune response that has gone on to ruin my liver, compromise my kidneys and led to stomach issues where even cucumber can revisit."

Question: If you don't mind me asking, which drug was this, and is there a name for the immune response? I'm on bipolar meds too. And I also have physical illness.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Misanthrope, I just read your OP. I relate to and admire your self-awareness. The resentment is a natural reaction I think to your grandmother pushing your boundaries, to her attempting to make you responsible for what needs to be the responsibility of others who have the resources if she herself cannot be responsible. It seems you have been put in the position of being responsible for carrying the load of others' emotions, wants, and needs. That is in their yards, not yours, and you seem to be doing an admirable job of putting a boundary between yards. I appreciate that you shared. I benefitted from it, and I hope you did as well.

 

[Misanthrope]

Decline and resentment are my world right now. Barely can read or write any more. Functionality is so low. My loved ones have been royally fucked over by this pandemic. My plans have also been screwed over to see them better settled so I can exit this shit show in reasonable conscience. Now it is worse than it was before. The desire to just go despite their need of me is something I am battling. They have no idea how much pain I am in, I miss my mind and reading. I am to them the solid as a rock guy to fall back on. It is immensely lonely. I don't know what to do any more. Utterly stuck in limbo busy resenting all things. My brain is gone I am not me anymore, sickness has taken so much and there is nothing left but a husk. So utterly trapped.

 

[lululoo]

Decline and resentment are my world right now. Barely can read or write any more. Functionality is so low. My loved ones have been royally fucked over by this pandemic. My plans have also been screwed over to see them better settled so I can exit this shit show in reasonable conscience. Now it is worse than it was before. The desire to just go despite their need of me is something I am battling. They have no idea how much pain I am in, I miss my mind and reading. I am to them the solid as a rock guy to fall back on. It is immensely lonely. I don't know what to do any more. Utterly stuck in limbo busy resenting all things. My brain is gone I am not me anymore, sickness has taken so much and there is nothing left but a husk. So utterly trapped.

I'm so sorry. I feel like a husk too.

You have brought a lot to this community and to your family. It's really remarkable all you are doing while feeling so sick.