Venting Decisions I won't take.

[Lonelyhotcake]

My ex-boyfriend was abusive (most important: sexually). So, I've been depressed... but I also had anxiety attacks.

Last year, I procrastined a lot because of anxiety and I got really bad grades at university. So, I lost my scholarship.

I don't want to tell my parents because they are not very supportive with "victims" of abuse and they will say I "lost a whole year doing nothing".

I'm not able to open my mouth. I feel too scared of everything.

I don't want to die but I don't see any other option.

I can say the truth and accept the consequences, but I don't want to keep studying... spending another year trying to have good grades (to make my parents proud), forcing my brain to work when it's obviously burned out...

If I could choose, I would like to go to a psychiatric ward or therapy... and look for a job were I can use my hands (so I don't have to use my brain).

I'm an adult but my decisions are taken by my parents, they are very over-protective. So, I "can't" work, and they don't believe in mental illness (it's the devil or your sins).

(I don't know what to do... but I wanted to take it out of my brain - chest.)
(I feel confused but at least I'm calm and I'm not going to do something stupid).

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it's just so awful how humans create so much harm and treat others so badly. I'm sorry that you've suffered so much in this hellish world but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward

 

[dendronize]

That's terrible, sorry that you are trapped in this situation. None of it sounds like your fault, and your parents seem controlling. What was your relationship like with your parents growing up?

 

[Sulyya]

It's terrible how that kind of treatment by someone can have a person feeling like they're at the ledge.

I hope you can recover and find a place in life that is comfortable for you. You can freely ask for help here and in recovery section also.

 

[Lonelyhotcake]

( @dendronize )

Since I was a kid they wanted me to have good grades. Therefore, they controlled everything else in my life: friends, love, hobbies... they even said it was too dangerous to go outside to play.

Besides, they always treated me different... because they still see me as a kid but I have 23 years old. Even my brother has more freedom and he is only 15 years old.

It's my fault.
I should have done something... but I don't know, I feel adroctinated.

I feel wrong everytime I try to change things. I can't even lie, because I feel the hurge to open my mouth (I know lying is wrong but I feel the urge to say everything like: "I used an egg to make a cake, it's was ok? I'm sorry").

I think they are abusive without even know. Maybe they learned from their parents.

 

[dendronize]

It's my fault.
I should have done something... but I don't know, I feel adroctinated.

I feel wrong everytime I try to change things. I can't even lie, because I feel the hurge to open my mouth (I know lying is wrong but I feel the urge to say everything like: "I used an egg to make a cake, it's was ok? I'm sorry").

I think they are abusive without even know. Maybe they learned from their parents.

It's not your fault. It does sound like they were unintentionally abusive. Might not really be anyone's fault - it can be generational trauma, which is really hard to break. But what matters is you feeling better. Do you think you can build up the courage to break free and find help?

Sorry if I'm projecting here, I'm no therapist, but maybe look into CPTSD and see if it applies to you.

 

[Lonelyhotcake]

( @dendronize )

I've tried a lot of times.
I always end up in another abusive relationship (with a friend or partner).

And to be honest, I don't know how to do it alone... but I've been trying to travel more without telling them (I go to a place I already know and use google maps to find a supermarket or a shopping to buy things by my own)... and another things like that just to find "independence" step by step.

Unluckily, I don't have enough money to go to therapy but I want to go someday.

Don't worry for that!
Thanks for the advise, I'm going to search about it.