Sad_Autistic_boy_101
When I die, you'll love me.
- Nov 19, 2019
- 453
Hello!
Not sure if people will care or bother to read this but Tuesday will be my deciding factor to press the green button (Another wording for CTB that I explained in one of my previous posts)
I have an important meeting at 3pm on Tuesday that determines if I get any support. A previous post to this I explained that they rejected the support that I need and my chance of moving out. I have persuaded them to rethink about it and so I am having a meeting with my social worker to find out the verdict of this on Tuesday.
If they come back again with the same answer then there really is no hope left. If they come back saying that I can get the support I need, then I may give it a trial.
I've been suicidal for many years - sometimes things did improve and I didn't think about it for a couple of months and then as per usual it got shitted upon. I have failed 4 previous attempts and this is a sad burden that I think about everyday because if I wasn't so thick then I would have succeeded.
The past year my dream date to CTB is 11th August as that's the date my carer ended his life last year and to have the same date would be magical as that would mean that we would still be connected.
Many people press the green button when there is no hope left in their life which is true for me but also I feel like trapped, that there is no way out of this mess. I guess there is little part of hope inside of me to go to therapy and to want to have the right support but even when I have support like now (which is going to end in three weeks) I still feel like something is missing. That I wake up everyday for the happiness of others. The only thing I look forward to every week is my therapy session as I am able to say what I need to without judgement from around me. For the remaining 6 days I am depressed and drinking or taking prescription pills. That isn't really a life. I'm now getting physical symptoms of memory loss from my drinking.
If the decline the support that I need Tuesday then I really don't know what to do as I hope that they agree to the support that I need.
So anyway sorry that was long. I just love how this website makes me feel less alone and like I have a family inside my computer screen.
Not sure if people will care or bother to read this but Tuesday will be my deciding factor to press the green button (Another wording for CTB that I explained in one of my previous posts)
I have an important meeting at 3pm on Tuesday that determines if I get any support. A previous post to this I explained that they rejected the support that I need and my chance of moving out. I have persuaded them to rethink about it and so I am having a meeting with my social worker to find out the verdict of this on Tuesday.
If they come back again with the same answer then there really is no hope left. If they come back saying that I can get the support I need, then I may give it a trial.
I've been suicidal for many years - sometimes things did improve and I didn't think about it for a couple of months and then as per usual it got shitted upon. I have failed 4 previous attempts and this is a sad burden that I think about everyday because if I wasn't so thick then I would have succeeded.
The past year my dream date to CTB is 11th August as that's the date my carer ended his life last year and to have the same date would be magical as that would mean that we would still be connected.
Many people press the green button when there is no hope left in their life which is true for me but also I feel like trapped, that there is no way out of this mess. I guess there is little part of hope inside of me to go to therapy and to want to have the right support but even when I have support like now (which is going to end in three weeks) I still feel like something is missing. That I wake up everyday for the happiness of others. The only thing I look forward to every week is my therapy session as I am able to say what I need to without judgement from around me. For the remaining 6 days I am depressed and drinking or taking prescription pills. That isn't really a life. I'm now getting physical symptoms of memory loss from my drinking.
If the decline the support that I need Tuesday then I really don't know what to do as I hope that they agree to the support that I need.
So anyway sorry that was long. I just love how this website makes me feel less alone and like I have a family inside my computer screen.
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