Venting Death?

[Sensei]

I'm bipolar and my medication finally works. I no longer have to endure the depressive episodes which have tormented me almost nonstop for three years. Consequently I've become considerably less suicidal. Now it's more a matter of executing a pre-emptive strike in the future than succumbing to a sudden suicidal impulse.

This has lead to something peculiar: I've become afraid of death. It's not about survival instinct, but fear of an afterlife. I didn't feel any such fear before I joined Sanctioned Suicide, so maybe it's because of the obsession with this topic in this place, but I don't know for sure. This, in turn, has made me worried about the future. Will I have to suffer for years, possibly decades, because I won't have the guts to kill myself? Will I have to stop taking my medicines so that I might get a depressive episode and become fearless again?

To make things even more complicated, I still do get suicidal impulses occasionally. Just like when I have a depressive episode I can suddenly become totally fearless, think that now is the right time to leave, and have to reason calmly with myself to suppress the impulse. It would be sad if I killed myself now when my medication, against all odds, finally works and there's a chance that I might recover, at least enough to live a bearable life.

This probably don't make much sense and I can't see what advice anyone possibly could give. I just needed to get it of my chest.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm glad to hear that your meds are working for you and that you're making some positive progress. I think having some fear of the afterlife is wise and a form of respect.

It sounds like the depressive episodes you're experiencing now are just normal mood swings. The medication will never truly eliminate that and if it did I'd be concerned about what else it's suppressing as well.

Try not to worry about the future so much because it's out of our hands. Once your quality of life reaches a certain threshold then you can reconsider your options. Cross that bridge later when you come to it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i actually completely understand this. with no help of therapist or meds ive "helped" myself. i now fear the future and the end of everything. death seems so close yet so far. i cant possibly do everything i want to do before i die of old age that seems too far away but at the same time so close. and old age itself, being in that deteriorating state, another fear of mine. my fear of death, living and aging is so bad that im at the point where i want to beat death to it so it isnt a surprise. but i dont want to die i want to live. i have so many hobbies and things i enjoy. but at the same time im still dealing with my disorders, and death....i see it everywhere, everything can kill us. i have to die. i cant live like this. but i dont want to die. its a rather confusing matter that just goes in a circle of fear and embrace.

 

[Sensei]

It sounds like the depressive episodes you're experiencing now are just normal mood swings. The medication will never truly eliminate that and if it did I'd be concerned about what else it's suppressing as well.

The thing is that I don't have depressive episodes anymore thanks to my medication, knock on wood, so I shouldn't get suicidal impulses. When I get one, it's not just a normal suicidal thought, but an almost overwhelming desire to die. I feel no fear, sadness, or hesitation; it's as if I'm on autopilot. So, there's a risk that I'll die now when I might be on the path to recovery.

Try not to worry about the future so much because it's out of our hands. Once your quality of life reaches a certain threshold then you can reconsider your options. Cross that bridge later when you come to it.

You're right, I shouldn't worry about the future. Yet, the possiblity that I won't be able to kill myself when needed scares me. When it comes to my death, I want to be the master of my fate.

i actually completely understand this. with no help of therapist or meds ive "helped" myself. i now fear the future and the end of everything. death seems so close yet so far. i cant possibly do everything i want to do before i die of old age that seems too far away but at the same time so close. and old age itself, being in that deteriorating state, another fear of mine. my fear of death, living and aging is so bad that im at the point where i want to beat death to it so it isnt a surprise.

Aging doesn't scare me that much. If I manage to recover, which is highly uncertain, I won't mind a few more decades.

but i dont want to die i want to live. i have so many hobbies and things i enjoy. but at the same time im still dealing with my disorders, and death....i see it everywhere, everything can kill us. i have to die. i cant live like this. but i dont want to die. its a rather confusing matter that just goes in a circle of fear and embrace.

I really want to live and I really want to die. It's an unsolvable dilemma.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I think you have the resolve and conviction to do it if it comes down to it. But if you're in recovery that's something you shouldn't be thinking about really.

I really want to live and I really want to die. It's an unsolvable dilemma.

I've battled myself on this dilemma for most of my life. Everytime I get close to making a decision one way or the other something good or something bad happens to put me back on that fucking fence again.

 

[Sensei]

I've battled myself on this dilemma for most of my life. Everytime I get close to making a decision one way or the other something good or something bad happens to put me back on that fucking fence again.

It sounds like a zero-sum game. I hope you'll be able to break free from it.

 

[Ghost2211]

I think the process of getting out of thinking about ctb can take a while. It almost becomes part of us when it's something we think about for many years. It's good to hear that you're doing better, and give yourself a break ctb impulses. When I get those I just weed up and find some thing to distract myself. You can also try paying attention to what is triggering those feelings or moods. One day at a time friend.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

It sounds like a zero-sum game. I hope you'll be able to break free from it.

Oh I will and probably soon. But this thread is about you so I'm not going to derail it any further.

I'll leave on one last note. I'm proud of the progress I've seen you make since we started talking about a year ago. I think you're understandably having some doubts but I don't think it's anything substantial enough to stand in your way.

Stay focused, I believe in you, we're here for you!