Death anxiety/feeling during CTB attempt

[HereWeGo!]

Hi!

Did any of you survive from a CTB attempt? How did it feel right after you kicked the chair, jumped etc. when you realized you really are about to die? I'm really interested about how the death anxiety was. Will the anxiety make you hesitate for another attempt?
Please share experiences.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

It was absolutely vicious for me. I've had countless panic attacks in my life but none of them ever came close to what death anxiety was like. It's very hard to describe the sensation and I never want to feel it again. It's one of my greatest fears with another attempt.

 

[IDCAAEBM]

I took pills, so I felt very at peace. Apparently so did my body, because nothing happened. The internet lied to me(bc the government doesn't want one to kill themselves) and I didnt have enough mg, so all I felt was a little high. My next attempt will cause me some stress, but I'm willing to go through with it, because I know this time it will work. It will be worth it in the end.

 

[dontwakemeup]

My method has always been pills. There isn't 1 single emotion, but tons combined. Let me try to explain this. Before my method and when I finally decide I'm leaving. I'm sooo excited, sooo happy, and so self-aware for once. I now hear the birds singing, I finally look up at the sky and see how beautiful it is, I smell the grass, I consciously breathe in and out. I look at all my friends and co-workers for the last time and say goodbye, but I really mean it this time. Nobody ever seems to notice how happy I am. I look at every stranger, and wonder what are they thinking? It's just an overall sense that this is my last day here and I'm happy to see what's next, if anything.

I get my pills, count them and line them up in rows of (I won't say the number) just in case I fail, I'll remember to do more next time. I buy my favorite drink and start throwing them back. At this point, sadness, loneliness, regrets, anxiety, fear, panic takes over and I'm no longer happy at all! I continue because those rows I set-up I believe in that moment it's too late so I must continue, so I do. I cry during this time, I begin to panic. I don't want to die alone but I don't have anyone I trust enough to be on the phone with me until I die. If I call a friend they will call help for me, so I can't. I swallow all the pills and lay down and wait to die, usually softly crying to myself. I only have 2 request to God, please forgive me and please let me see my mother and sister who died years prior just 1 more time.

I then close my eyes, and drift off.

 

[HereWeGo!]

It was absolutely vicious for me. I've had countless panic attacks in my life but none of them ever came close to what death anxiety was like. It's very hard to describe the sensation and I never want to feel it again. It's one of my greatest fears with another attempt.

I'm so sorry to hear about your failure. May I ask what method you did and how it failed?
Would you say that you are suffering mentally from the death anxiety during the attempt in any way right now?

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

It was absolutely vicious for me. I've had countless panic attacks in my life but none of them ever came close to what death anxiety was like. It's very hard to describe the sensation and I never want to feel it again. It's one of my greatest fears with another attempt.

Exactly what I'm afraid of…

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I'm so sorry to hear about your failure. May I ask what method you did and how it failed?
Would you say that you are suffering mentally from the death anxiety during the attempt in any way right now?

Tried overdosing on anxiolytics, very stupid, I know. I don't have any mental residue like anxiety or trauma from it, no. Thinking about activated charcoal can make me a little nauseous sometimes, but that's unrelated to the death anxiety hehe.

 

[IsolatedChaos]

My method has always been pills. There isn't 1 single emotion, but tons combined. Let me try to explain this. Before my method and when I finally decide I'm leaving. I'm sooo excited, sooo happy, and so self-aware for once. I now hear the birds singing, I finally look up at the sky and see how beautiful it is, I smell the grass, I consciously breathe in and out. I look at all my friends and co-workers for the last time and say goodbye, but I really mean it this time. Nobody ever seems to notice how happy I am. I look at every stranger, and wonder what are they thinking? It's just an overall sense that this is my last day here and I'm happy to see what's next, if anything.

I get my pills, count them and line them up in rows of (I won't say the number) just in case I fail, I'll remember to do more next time. I buy my favorite drink and start throwing them back. At this point, sadness, loneliness, regrets, anxiety, fear, panic takes over and I'm no longer happy at all! I continue because those rows I set-up I believe in that moment it's too late so I must continue, so I do. I cry during this time, I begin to panic. I don't want to die alone but I don't have anyone I trust enough to be on the phone with me until I die. If I call a friend they will call help for me, so I can't. I swallow all the pills and lay down and wait to die, usually softly crying to myself. I only have 2 request to God, please forgive me and please let me see my mother and sister who died years prior just 1 more time.

I then close my eyes, and drift off.

If you don't mind me asking, how did the effect of the pills feel? I've heard it is much less painless than one would imagine. Is that true? I'm still considering that one because it seems to be most available for me

 

[dontwakemeup]

If you don't mind me asking, how did the effect of the pills feel? I've heard it is much less painless than one would imagine. Is that true? I'm still considering that one because it seems to be most available for me

It's nothing like they tell us. It's a lies! The only thing that is true is I dosed off peacefully BUT I woke up soon to vomit Your body is incredible, it will try to stop the process! My last attempt was horrible and I'll never try pills again. I woke up and was vomiting so much my stomach and throat hurted. I just cried because "I woke up alive," and sick. I would have called for help because I was miserable, I was in agony, but I couldn't because I didn't want a suicide attempt on my medical records. I couldn't eat for a few days, my throat felt swollen, it's hard to describe. Everything just hurted and I couldn't make it stop. I think 4 days had passed and I finally made myself get up and drink something. I don't have any lasting side effects but I didn't tell my doctor to check either. So far I'm ok. I won't try that method again. I'm stuck in limbo now.

 

[HereWeGo!]

Tried overdosing on anxiolytics, very stupid, I know. I don't have any mental residue like anxiety or trauma from it, no. Thinking about activated charcoal can make me a little nauseous sometimes, but that's unrelated to the death anxiety hehe.

That's good you don't suffer from the attempt any longer. I've read somewhere that a person suffered really bad afterwards because of the death anxiety while attempting. That person was really traumatized.
May I ask why you failed? Where you founded or did you wake up by yourself?

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

That's good you don't suffer from the attempt any longer. I've read somewhere that a person suffered really bad afterwards because of the death anxiety while attempting. That person was really traumatized.
May I ask why you failed? Where you founded or did you wake up by yourself?

I can definitely understand that, it's a horrible feeling. Shit, I hope that person is going to be okay in one way or another.

I stopped myself and called an ambulance because of the death anxiety. Got activated charcoal and felt a lot better, they did some bloodwork to check my liver in the emergency room but I ran away before the results came.