Venting Dealing with the anxiety over ctb

[indefinitesleep2]

Im 100% certain im going to ctb, i have anhedonia to where i cant feel joy or happiness in anything and my brain is damaged after my psychosis and being put on meds, its an absolutely awful existence just dealing with this complete nothingess everyday and I want out, I have my SN but im absolutely fuckin shitting it for actually going through with the attempt, knowing ill never be conscious ever again for eternity scares the fuck out of me just asleep and then nothing, thats what i want to just have peace but its just eating away at me knowing im consciously taking the steps to never exist, I know it sounds stupid but its messing with me.

I hope benzos help this feeling go away I wish i could just feel the same apathy for this as I do with absolutely everything else I experience. Just a lil rant thanks for takin the time to read if you did.

 

[Not A Fan]

It's a total mindfuck. The problem is we try to imagine things and mental states and experiences in terms of their properties. Non-existence has no properties, no characteristics, no substance, so trying to probe it with the mind is bound to get you tied up in knot.

It's not much different than trying to imagine the time before you were born/conceived. What was it like? Well, what was it like for who? The words we use to form these thoughts do not even point to anything.

 

[indefinitesleep2]

it bends my brain thinking about it

 

[SleepingBliss]

I am going to take a lot of anti anxieties before so that I am not nervous. I will also be going somewhere high before ingesting so that when I get woozy or pass out there is a chance I fall to death too. If I survive either, the other should kill me

 

[PinballWizard39]

I can understand this. It's not the same but I am struggling in a similar kind of way. Like I have the resources now, I could easily do it whenever I want, but I'm struggling to comprehend the aftermath - like I'm actually not going to exist anymore. What does that really mean? One of the things that have got me to this point is because I'd love to be a mum, have a little me to carry me and my memory on when I die etc - I know that sounds stupid, but I have a fear of just being forgotten. I fear once I die, once people in my life and work and work colleagues find out, they'll probably be a bit shocked but then after a while, they'll move on. My flat will be emptied, my things discarded and I'll be forgotten, as though I never existed in the first place. I don't know how I feel about that.
Having the weight of the decision of whether to live or die for whatever reason, and having to keep it to yourself - you can't explain that kind if heaviness. At least that's what I'm struggling with.

 

[Lost Magic]

I've been feeling this way for many years. It's survival instinct and not really knowing what's on the other side. For example, my mother attempted to kill herself (going so far as self immolation). Her attempts were ether intervened or she didn't go fully through with the attempts. It must be one of the hardest things a person can do, is suicide. It's just that our bodies are so wired to adapt and survive. It's hard to imagine not being here.

 

[Agon321]

Well, suicide is an abomination for our mind.
This is a normal reaction.
It would be weird if you didn't feel anything.

It's very hard for me to imagine death.
In fact, this is the end of everything I know. Absolutely everything.
I don't know if I existed before I was born and I don't know what awaits me after death.
On the other side it may be everything or nothing.

Death is one big mystery. A riddle that terrifies me.

It's very hard for me to leave everything I have and everything I am, to go on a journey to an unknown destination.
That's what death is to me.

I understand your feeling.
I think most people here understand.

 

[b1cycle]

If you plan to die worldly problems like anxiety aren't of any real significance are they? You'll be out of here soon anyways

 

[indefinitesleep2]

If you plan to die worldly problems like anxiety aren't of any real significance are they? You'll be out of here soon anyways

I dont have anxiety about anything but commiting suicide rlly but youre right none of it means anything when youre gone