Help Dealing with chronic suicidality

[beyondbreath]

So I have been suicidal on and off for twelve years now. It doesn't matter how life is going. In school or not. Employed or not. In a relationship or not. I've been to therapists and I take my meds. I do everything people tell me to do. I went to university and graduated with high distinction. I worked hard to find a job and I attend my job regularly. I'm high functioning, with persistent depressive disorder/anxiety disorder and traits similar to bpd.


I don't know how much longer I can take this. Every time I call a hotline it's always the same thing. Distract yourself. I can't distract myself into health. I can't distract myself into hope.


I have a workbook about dealing with suicidal thoughts but I am afraid to open it again because it's full of my ex boyfriend being my reason to live. "list three reasons you have to keep going" and it's him first. Always.


I don't know what to do anymore. How do you guys cope with chronic suicidal thoughts?

 

[CanIGo]

So much of your post resonates with me. Uni grad with a good job, high functioning. Been to therapy, etc. I wish I had a way to help coping with suicidality. For me, it's always the same. In the quiet, it's a constant & pervasive 'just not wanting to be here anymore.' I'm sorry for your struggle

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I see myself in this post. I wish I could offer you some advice, as to how to cope with suicidal thoughts, but I'm not coping with my own. Loneliness and constant silence don't help, but I don't have anything to fill those in with.

 

[lionetta12]

So I have been suicidal on and off for twelve years now. It doesn't matter how life is going. In school or not. Employed or not. In a relationship or not. I've been to therapists and I take my meds. I do everything people tell me to do. I went to university and graduated with high distinction. I worked hard to find a job and I attend my job regularly. I'm high functioning, with persistent depressive disorder/anxiety disorder and traits similar to bpd.


I don't know how much longer I can take this. Every time I call a hotline it's always the same thing. Distract yourself. I can't distract myself into health. I can't distract myself into hope.


I have a workbook about dealing with suicidal thoughts but I am afraid to open it again because it's full of my ex boyfriend being my reason to live. "list three reasons you have to keep going" and it's him first. Always.


I don't know what to do anymore. How do you guys cope with chronic suicidal thoughts?

It's been like this for me also. No matter how many parties I attend, how many friends I have, who I'm talking to, having a boyfriend, having a job, studying, going to therapy, doing a hobby, being busy 24/7. No matter what I do, who I talk to, what I have, I'm thinking about suicide and flashbacks all the time for the past 13 years. Nothing helps. Therapists tell me that it will probably never improve, I just have to live with it and distract myself and I can't. It's on my mind no matter what I am doing. I'm starting to dream about myself suiciding now too instead of my PTSD nightmares, so not even during sleep do I get a break from any of these thoughts and deep wishes.

I only ever got a brief short lived break from the suicidal thinking every once in a while when I was with my ex, whenever he wasn't cheating on me or screaming at me to kill myself already. But he left me.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

This thread really hits home because I'm in the same boat. Graduated masters with flying colors, have a good job where I am held in very high regard, taking my meds, going to therapy, but I can't get suicide off my mind, like you I have visions every day, and I think the absolute loneliness I'm going through doesn't help since I have a lot of time with myself to fantasize about the act. I don't know, I feel like one day I'll snap and I'll do something... Sometimes it's just so hard to stay alive.

 

[Regen]

Fucking the same here... I think anything is the reason! But what?? And if you had found the reason, how can you repair it?

Do you know what was wrong in your past? Or what is wrong in your inner life? Or do have absolutely no idea why you are chronical suicidal and depressive?

I am not sure. I think I was a thing of unseen from my parents. Something like not hugged and kissed. I think my parents trained me to feel less joy: if I feel joy, they find reasons to be careful, reason for not doing that, reasons for not loving that. So I learned to have no joy with everything. And my parents gave me the feeling that I am not okay how I am, that my brother is the better one. I am high sensitive and often feel other then the others. That's not a good feeling. I completely lost the feeling for myself.

How many different therapy do you try? There are differences in the method. And only less psychologists are really good I think.

If I could do that I would really like it going in a good rehab and doing things just for me for several weeks.

Sadly I have no good advice for you. I am really sorry. But I feel the same.

 

[FNDingpeace]

Your post and reasoning resonates with me as well. I've given up on crisis lines as the supposed help they are offering only distracts for the moment and in fact makes the suicidal thoughts worse!

 

[beyondbreath]

Fucking the same here... I think anything is the reason! But what?? And if you had found the reason, how can you repair it?

Do you know what was wrong in your past? Or what is wrong in your inner life? Or do have absolutely no idea why you are chronical suicidal and depressive?

I am not sure. I think I was a thing of unseen from my parents. Something like not hugged and kissed. I think my parents trained me to feel less joy: if I feel joy, they find reasons to be careful, reason for not doing that, reasons for not loving that. So I learned to have no joy with everything. And my parents gave me the feeling that I am not okay how I am, that my brother is the better one. I am high sensitive and often feel other then the others. That's not a good feeling. I completely lost the feeling for myself.

How many different therapy do you try? There are differences in the method. And only less psychologists are really good I think.

If I could do that I would really like it going in a good rehab and doing things just for me for several weeks.

Sadly I have no good advice for you. I am really sorry. But I feel the same.

I was abused as a kid, with unstable family situation so I wouldn't be surprised if that's the root cause


I've tried so many different therapists. Not too much lately because I can't afford private therapy and the only free place only operates during my work hours. I am reading books on DBT right now, I hope they will help

 

[letmegetout]

I'm so sorry to read so many other people feel this way, I'm in the same position. Chronic suicidality, flashbacks but holding down a job, tried almost all meds available in the UK- only one I haven't tried is lithium and now waiting for TMS and hopefully ketamine therapy as well as signing up for any trials I can but so far I've been rejected from all. Not that anything will work long term, but at least it will make my family feel better that I've tried