Dealing with an abusive (?) codependent mother

[coseymo]

I am 20 yo, and in a pretty good place. My studies are going well, I have friends. But my parents, especially my mother, are extremely unstable. I do love my mother, because she has tried helping me as much as she could, BUT GOD she is a wreck. I still live with her and my step-father, who is an alcoholic and wouldn't mind kicking us out any minute. She doesn't have any money or a place to live if he does.
So she has set up a plan for me. To save up for a loan and buy US A HOUSE. Where we would live. TOGETHER FOREVER. And I would have to work, slave at my job and repay the loan.

I do not want to live with her at all. I know this sounds ungrateful and shitty. I can not say this to her, because she will go ballistic.
Whenever we go out, I have to walk on eggshells, and even then she ends up threatening suicide. She leaves me in the middle of nowhere usually, sends a message ,,I am going to drown myself, pay for my funeral" and turns off her phone. I spend all day erratically looking for her, usually to find her cuddled up under a blanket at home acting like nothing happened and ending up gaslighting me, that everything was my fault. This has happened more times than I can count, since I was a child. My relatives think this is a funny quirk. This has caused me to develop severe abandonment issues.

I know that living with her would create an enviroment for me where I would never be happy. But if I cut contact with her, she will not survive. She has no one - no friends, no career, no loved ones. Only me.
Even though I am an adult, she causes a scene whenever I get home late/ leave her alone for too long. She is weirdly possessive, hates my friends, has tried to sabotage potential relationships.
What to even do? It is impossible to leave her alone. She was never a mother to me, I was always the one protecting her, listening to her problems. But yet she finds ways to tell me I hate her, wish she was dead. It is almost like she has two separate personalities- one kind, sweet and helpful, and the other is cruel and vindictive. I am the only one who has to deal with the cruel side. Yet, I still feel bad for her, and I do love her. But I can not dedicate my whole life to helping her get better.

 

[Pluto]

This is a very difficult situation to face.

Sometimes, people like that actually do survive when they are left to fend for themselves. There are no guarantees, but I have seen it before. Their clingy behaviour often stems from early childhood abandonment issues and they won't know that they could survive until they are left to 'sink or swim'.

I would suggest getting some sort of mental health support, as the extreme emotional outbursts bear some resemblance to bipolar disorder or perhaps borderline personality disorder. A diagnosis will definitely help make sense of the chaos.

The problem with having parents with this level of mental illness is that we have missed out on a lot of having our own needs met. Swapping roles and being a parent for a parent is not healthy. You need to re-learn healthy boundaries and self-care.

 

[Dangerdonkey333]

It's only natural to want independence. Especially from someone unstable. it's hard though, because you love each other. I know you feel like you can't tell her, but there might not be another way to get the freedom you want. Maybe trying to word it in a way that you are not leaving her to get away, but to forge a path ahead for yourself. It's tough all around though, and I hope the best outcome for you and yours.

 

[enough of this]

It's only natural to want independence. Especially from someone unstable. it's hard though, because you love each other. I know you feel like you can't tell her, but there might not be another way to get the freedom you want. Maybe trying to word it in a way that you are not leaving her to get away, but to forge a path ahead for yourself. It's tough all around though, and I hope the best outcome for you and yours.

Would you say your mother is a narcissist? I know mine was, and it creates particular problems which are very hard to surmount.