Days when I'm less suicidal are much more difficult

[sickboy55]

There are days when I'm sure i will 100% CTB in the near future as my life has gone wrong in nearly every way possible, and this feeling is quite peaceful as the only thing I have to think about is how and when I will CTB.

However, when I think there is still hope, it becomes overwhelming because I have to find out how I could solve my dozens of problems, what I will do if I stay chronically ill for all my life, what will happen to me as the worl becomes increasingly unliveable etc.

Anyone with similar experience?

 

[metothemoon]

Oh this is so the same for me. Sometimes I "prefer" the crisis and the planning of the CTB, because that is my only "responsibility" then. When life gets a bit "better", I am expected to live and get my shit together, which seems sometimes so much harder than just ending it

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

This is kinda what's going on with me. Recently I decided that I would ctb in March of 2025, although after that I've gotten really calm, and I enjoy things a lot more, to the point where I almost don't want to die. It's an annoying irony that the moment I set my eyes on suicide, I suddenly feel better, even when I know this entire thing is hopeless.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I feel the same, I hate when I'm not 100% sure I want to CTB. Makes me confused, and also gives me false hope of it actually getting bette.r

 

[anemicamoeba]

I completely feel this. I have many disabling conditions too and it requires so much work and doctor's appointments just to keep them from getting worse. Just like, eating every day requires a great deal of management. So the thought of leaving is a great relief, and I kind of get scared when I don't feel so suicidal because then I have to manage everything going forward, and what if my life keeps getting worse but I'm trapped in it?

For me it helps some to try and live in a one day at a time mindset as much as possible. I used to believe I would recover from chronic illness but atm I don't and it's really heavy to view the future with mostly fear of life being even worse (but also that bit of hope that makes me think not quite yet). It's honestly so much more peaceful to be content with going, and feel like I don't have any responsibilities beyond the next months.

I'm really sorry you're suffering too. I hope your health improves