Day after attempt feeling lost

[BreakingTheHabit]

Yesterday, I prepared everything to take SN but I couldn't go through with it. I held the drink in my hands, brought the glass to my lips a couple of times, but the moment I had any intention I would feel a gag reflex before the water got to my mouth. I debated with myself for about a month and however long I stood there last night. I even delayed this a couple of times.

I can't seem to do it and I think it's because I still hold on to a slim hope that things can get better even though my years of going through this have shown that it gets worse past what you thought it could go at least with me. I'm not connected with my family, no friends, tried joining clubs and socializing in college but no luck, anhedonia kills any interests. I tried therapy, I eat healthy, exercise regularly, beat my eating disorder, I have a better control over school work, yet I still feel awful. To top it off, my girlfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago and I can't get my mind off her. It tore me apart to the point that I can't trust the words, "I love you" anymore.

Now my chest is tightened and I feel like I shouldn't be in my room as if I'm in a restricted area. I don't want to regret my choice of not going through with it. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult not to. I don't look forward to a future of working a job to survive, having no one to come home to, and doing nothing because of the pain in the ass of being functionally depressed with anhedonia slathered into the mix. I feel lost on what I should do, and I figured that I should ask here since I'm comfortable here and I have no one else to open up to. I don't want to feel this way but I'm running out of options to help myself cope with it.

 

[Angi]

I am so sad you have to go through this!

I tried therapy, I eat healthy, exercise regularly, beat my eating disorder, I have a better control over school work

At the same time, you have achieved so much it is almost making me jealous. Since you could not go, maybe you can find a way to build on the foundations you have already constructed?

I know the feeling of "I should not be here." Maybe someone here can talk you through this? Personally, I am not a good option right now, since I am in bad spot myself at the moment, but I hope someone else can.

 

[BreakingTheHabit]

I am so sad you have to go through this!


At the same time, you have achieved so much it is almost making me jealous. Since you could not go, maybe you can find a way to build on the foundations you have already constructed?

I know the feeling of "I should not be here." Maybe someone here can talk you through this? Personally, I am not a good option right now, since I am in bad spot myself at the moment, but I hope someone else can.

Thank you! I can definitely build on what I have; I just need to find what to build on top. Probably something that can put distance between me and everything going on right now. Best of luck with whatever you're going through. This forum does help knowing that we're all in this together and understand one another.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

If you don't mind, may I ask your age?

I ask only because I am guessing you are rather young. Clearly it's not time for you to go yet.

If it helps at all, I did not meet my husband (online) until after I was 35 and I got married for the first time when I was 38. Long after when I expected to marry, yet my husband and I are pretty much perfectly matched.

I had many jobs and was headed in several career directions at different times in my life. I spent the last ten years doing a job that I love, but I was a real pain in the ass to have as an employee. As soon as I was eligible, I filed for disability. It took years and a court case, but my disability was awarded a few years ago and now I have a bit of a life.

I run errands two or three times a week, see my doctors several times a month and am able to make it through most days without crying or becoming despondent. I mentioned in another thread that I just recently started making my bed everyday. I'm in my 50s and this is the first time I've ever done it. It makes me feel a little more like a productive human being, and that's pretty cool.

Are there any small things you can add to your routine that would make you feel more capable?

 

[myopybyproxy]

not to say that this will be a panacaea but if you're able to - and willing to consider - get a dog. or another pet, but dogs are particularly effective for forcing you outside when you don't want to get up because they need their daily walk.

or a gerbil or a mouse if a dog is too much space / noise / financially. some other living creature so that you do not have to return to an empty place from work. even a plant can be good - the care you give it helps you, at least if i can extrapolate my own experience. and if your mental health ever declines to where you're unable to care for any other creature, at least the plant has less negative impact considering the smell death carries.

 

[Gordy99]

In my opinion you won't have any doubt when you truly want to catch the bus. The thoughts might be there but part of you wants to live. This doesn't happen to everyone but for a lot of people there is a glimmer of hope which isn't a bad thing.

I have been suicidal since I was 13 and I'm in my 30's. I can remember holding a knife to my neck and even setup a noose to hang myself in my teens. I drove to a nearby bridge a few years ago and was ready to jump. Every time I got close to going through with it I backed out. Something hit me that said you need to live. I don't know how else to explain it.

I was unsure of what I was going to do after college but I managed to find a job and became successful. I have no friends and come home every day to an empty apartment. My situation isn't great and I'm on medication. I almost died when I was 21 from drinking and part of me wishes I died that night. Here I am anyway.

 

[BreakingTheHabit]

If you don't mind, may I ask your age?

I ask only because I am guessing you are rather young. Clearly it's not time for you to go yet.

If it helps at all, I did not meet my husband (online) until after I was 35 and I got married for the first time when I was 38. Long after when I expected to marry, yet my husband and I are pretty much perfectly matched.

I had many jobs and was headed in several career directions at different times in my life. I spent the last ten years doing a job that I love, but I was a real pain in the ass to have as an employee. As soon as I was eligible, I filed for disability. It took years and a court case, but my disability was awarded a few years ago and now I have a bit of a life.

I run errands two or three times a week, see my doctors several times a month and am able to make it through most days without crying or becoming despondent. I mentioned in another thread that I just recently started making my bed everyday. I'm in my 50s and this is the first time I've ever done it. It makes me feel a little more like a productive human being, and that's pretty cool.

Are there any small things you can add to your routine that would make you feel more capable?

I'm 21 and I have the same mindset that I am very young to make a decision like this, but this is overwhelming. I do find that finding any reason to delay CTB helps especially to let my emotions cool off. I'm not sure on any things that I could add to my routine. Maybe I could get dressed everyday even if I don't go out or fix my sleep schedule. I get what you mean with the making the bed thing. I don't do it but the little productive things help build momentum for the rest of the day. If you don't mind, I take it that you filed a disability for depression? I didn't know that was a thing but it's good that more support is out there for mental health issues on a level like that.

not to say that this will be a panacaea but if you're able to - and willing to consider - get a dog. or another pet, but dogs are particularly effective for forcing you outside when you don't want to get up because they need their daily walk.

or a gerbil or a mouse if a dog is too much space / noise / financially. some other living creature so that you do not have to return to an empty place from work. even a plant can be good - the care you give it helps you, at least if i can extrapolate my own experience. and if your mental health ever declines to where you're unable to care for any other creature, at least the plant has less negative impact considering the smell death carries.

I appreciate the suggestion but I have a bit of an issue with pets. I lost a couple of my childhood pets during the past years. Then right after their passing my parents ended up getting two other dogs with one of them dying within two months. It felt like they didn't care that much about their deaths since they adopted a week after passing. I was still trying to mourn and it doesn't help that they feed them fat which feels like animal abuse to me. I do have plants though and I eat them. Cilantro is my favorite of the bunch.

In my opinion you won't have any doubt when you truly want to catch the bus. The thoughts might be there but part of you wants to live. This doesn't happen to everyone but for a lot of people there is a glimmer of hope which isn't a bad thing.

I have been suicidal since I was 13 and I'm in my 30's. I can remember holding a knife to my neck and even setup a noose to hang myself in my teens. I drove to a nearby bridge a few years ago and was ready to jump. Every time I got close to going through with it I backed out. Something hit me that said you need to live. I don't know how else to explain it.

I was unsure of what I was going to do after college but I managed to find a job and became successful. I have no friends and come home every day to an empty apartment. My situation isn't great and I'm on medication. I almost died when I was 21 from drinking and part of me wishes I died that night. Here I am anyway.

I share the same sentiment. If I feel any doubt about it then I should probably wait. I'll still have my method for whenever I feel the need to try again. It's just tiresome having to keep going until that hope is realized. I wish that things turn around for you, friend.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

Yesterday, I prepared everything to take SN but I couldn't go through with it. I held the drink in my hands, brought the glass to my lips a couple of times, but the moment I had any intention I would feel a gag reflex before the water got to my mouth. I debated with myself for about a month and however long I stood there last night. I even delayed this a couple of times.

I can't seem to do it and I think it's because I still hold on to a slim hope that things can get better even though my years of going through this have shown that it gets worse past what you thought it could go at least with me. I'm not connected with my family, no friends, tried joining clubs and socializing in college but no luck, anhedonia kills any interests. I tried therapy, I eat healthy, exercise regularly, beat my eating disorder, I have a better control over school work, yet I still feel awful. To top it off, my girlfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago and I can't get my mind off her. It tore me apart to the point that I can't trust the words, "I love you" anymore.

Now my chest is tightened and I feel like I shouldn't be in my room as if I'm in a restricted area. I don't want to regret my choice of not going through with it. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult not to. I don't look forward to a future of working a job to survive, having no one to come home to, and doing nothing because of the pain in the ass of being functionally depressed with anhedonia slathered into the mix. I feel lost on what I should do, and I figured that I should ask here since I'm comfortable here and I have no one else to open up to. I don't want to feel this way but I'm running out of options to help myself cope with it.

I understand not trusting people. I think you should try to talk to people on this site mostly. Working to survive it is terrible(being mentally retarded and all) nothing I do ever pays off. I've decided to just end things and i'm not even afraid anymore. I don't care. You deserve better than what you got and i hope you get that. this life is an incredibly, over rated waste. Do what's best for you friend. Relax and think about dying. That always helps.

 

[BreakingTheHabit]

I understand not trusting people. I think you should try to talk to people on this site mostly. Working to survive it is terrible(being mentally retarded and all) nothing I do ever pays off. I've decided to just end things and i'm not even afraid anymore. I don't care. You deserve better than what you got and i hope you get that. this life is an incredibly, over rated waste. Do what's best for you friend. Relax and think about dying. That always helps.

Thank you friend. Knowing that death is always an option brings a weird comfort that's hard to explain. This site has definitely helped by seeing other people that understand what we're all going through. It's hard to imagine how most people go everyday feeling good or at least ok.

 

[timf]

Sometimes a person's depression can continue or deepen and distort reality. If a focus becomes so singular that it amplifies one aspect, it may also deemphasize another. For example, if you were to watch some Youtube videos of stand up comics, you might find someone who can get you to laugh out loud. This could indicate that you still have some ability to feel pleasure.

You might try experimenting with things that can make you feel good and build a foundation for yourself as well as something that would be attractive to others.