Dating & Suicidal Thoughts

[missporcelain]

Does dating seem to make anyone else feel like your soul is sucked out of your body at times and lead to intrusive, suicidal thoughts?

Almost every time I'm intentional dating or in relationship, it's like this crippling anxiety I feel in my head, heart, and stomach - as though all sanity and self worth is squeezed our - and it quickly turns to depression, a brace for impact, and constant battle of trying to just think and exist as a "normal" person, even though the thoughts are all consuming. My friends and family offer advice, but they don't understand.

I cannot properly, coherently describe how broken dating/my love life makes me feel (especially when it's someone avoidant/emotionally unavailable…just you getting their vagueness, constant mixed signals, and crumbs), and no matter how much I talk my brains out, journal, pray, binge podcast after podcast after article upon article on attachment theories, "signs of this and that", what could be wrong with me or what I could be doing better…things never get better. I've apparently lost weight, can barely stomach anything, and my thoughts are rampant. I'm on prescriptions for seizures, but they are also the same drugs used as mood stabilizers and anti anxieties for other people. I do not know if these feelings are a combination of meds, PMS, and life…or just life itself, and perhaps everything else brings to light my deepest struggles, downfalls, and plummeting mental health.

I'll think I'm doing so well, and then in what feels like a roller coaster drop, in sets the intende depression and suicidal thoughts.

I've struggled this week with feeling rather manic, hopeful, and oddly at peace…and then anxious, depressed, running for my benzos early, and having this impulsive feeling of wanting to leave the Earth and not have to deal with the intense emotions. This week, I feel guilty and upset at not feeling warm fuzzies for Christmas. I almost never do anymore. I want the world to just go away, people to go away, and I am resisting the urge to down my prescriptions with alcohol or pair up with someone else who does not want to go alone.

No one understands. No one can "fix" me. I feel so worthless, so broken, so crippled by anxiety and the looming depression, and especially this feeling of everything being so out of control. The winter is difficult for me as is, but trying to date on top of it all, always seems like a nightmare.

 

[GoSan1]

The concept of relationships combined with suicidality is always so interesting to me.

While others grow tired of human companionship and find it draining, others would die for it. But both sides have one thing in common: they simply cannot love/date.
Depression takes any chances away for a "normal" and "healthy" relationship. Or atleast makes it very very hard.

Either way, I wish you the best and somehow a merry Christmas!

 

[Dejected 55]

I believe I would be good in a relationship, but I've never had the opportunity to find out. For all I know I might have all kinds of flaws that would make maintaining a relationships difficult, the kind of things that you need to experience and suffer through to learn and grow from... but instead, I just have the great unknown because I've never been able to get into one. It's all theoretical to me, and even though I think I would be good at it, I have to allow for the possibility that maybe I would be very bad at it and just have never known.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia, and probably much older than you. But even I can also relate with this whole 'dating' problem. Without trying to make it sound like the typical 'gender war' problems (or differences), but I guess it's good to hear different perspectives from both genders/sexes regarding this issue. I'm a male myself, and while I've used to get into four relationships in the past when I was younger, but yet still, being single for 3+ years since 2022, and especially when I've already tried (hard) for all these times, yet in the end still failed (& even despite all my relative 'privileges'), it can be very frustrating, & depressing too, tbh. Especially at this christmas season, honestly, it can be very depressing to even just watch all those 'happy couples' everywhere (hate to say this, really, but even just to watch/see/witness some people who don't 'deserve' to be in a happy relationships, but yet, they still get it & successful anyway! while here I am, despite all my efforts, still remain single & alone).

I also seriously think/feel that my problems is probably due mostly due me being 'socially awkward', so to speak. I've always felt so different from everybody else (you know, all those 'normal/normies' people). Although still unfortunately remain undiagnosed, but I seriously suspect/think/feel that I might most likely belong to the 'neurodivergent' type of people, and even probably with some spectrum of autism (especially Aspergers, the so-called 'high functioning autism').

& probably also just 'bad lucks', generally speaking, especially in terms of 'dating, relationships' & just feeling always alone, for most of the time (even despite the seemingly quite 'sociable' persona on the very surface level / from the outside!). I don't even know why! Even still until today now, I don't know why god, universe, karma, etc2, & what exactly did I do to deserve all of this?..

Sorry this getting too long. But just so you know, that you're not alone in feeling/thinking like this.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I wouldn't know, the only dating I have done my partner was a calendar.