DAE Think About Who They Could Have Been?

[NodusTollens]

I was wondering if anyone else, struggles with who they are &what they could have been?

I'm in my 30s with enough physical/mental health issues that I know there's no going back. But from time to time I fall into things I could have excelled in had I had supportive parents who nurtured in lieu of conditioned, or encouragement from S/O rather than control.

Social Media is so god damn depressing, seeing people do things that I used to be able to do or could only dream of makes me feel even worse about myself.

So much wasted potential.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

I think about this literally every damn day. Honestly it pisses me off so bad. And makes me so sad. I went on a walk a couple hours ago and i started to suddenly cry because I know I'll never be successful and do the things i've always wanted to do. My dreams will never come true, regardless of how much praise i get from my love ones. All I do is dream of a life i could've had if I didn't have to raise myself, If i had support from so called "family", If I wasn't abused by just about everyone that I come in contact with, and was simply loved.

Being abandoned and left to fend for myself in a house that hated/tortured me and a school that did the same, I wasnt allowed a space that I could call safe or home. No one encouraged me or helped me do anything. I had to learn and do most everything myself while being mentally crippled. Having the world against you in every aspect on top of that just completely broke my spirit, and shattered my heart. I can't help but fall asleep to loves that dont exist, Friends that were never there, and a family i'll never have. Dreams that will never come true, stories that will never see the light of day, and a hard drive full of music/production that only a few will hear.

Maybe one day, I'll ctb and release all the hundreds of songs I've produced/written. Then the world can do whatever they want with them. I've been in mourning over my life and dreams as they've died a long time ago. And it hasn't stopped hurting yet. I;m waiting for the day it either stops or gets so bad that I don't even care anymore. Then maybe then I'll be ready to ctb. I'll never have a dream come true, but maybe i'll become a dream come true.

 

[jrums]

Yes I do. I'm now in my late 30's with serious brain and body damage from SSRIs. Before this I battled OCD, depression, and social anxiety that prevented me from getting what I wanted out of life. Plus I got addicted to opiates and benzos and battled Crohn's. Just one thing after another. I wasn't a bad-looking guy and was reasonably smart but was overly anxious and lacked motivation. I would do anything to go back 25 years or so and do so many things differently. The regret I have for so many things is unbearable. At least it will be over soon.

 

[demuic]

I don't see how I could've done anything differently :/ Unless everything around me changed.. if my parents personalities were completely different, and more involved in my school life, if I hadn't grown up in and become accustomed to isolation which fostered social anxiety, if my dad wasn't a piece of shit and cared about what kind of environment we were growing up in, and why I couldn't bring friends over ..

 

[NodusTollens]

I think about this literally every damn day. Honestly it pisses me off so bad. And makes me so sad. I went on a walk a couple hours ago and i started to suddenly cry because I know I'll never be successful and do the things i've always wanted to do. My dreams will never come true, regardless of how much praise i get from my love ones. All I do is dream of a life i could've had if I didn't have to raise myself, If i had support from so called "family", If I wasn't abused by just about everyone that I come in contact with, and was simply loved.

Being abandoned and left to fend for myself in a house that hated/tortured me and a school that did the same, I wasnt allowed a space that I could call safe or home. No one encouraged me or helped me do anything. I had to learn and do most everything myself while being mentally crippled. Having the world against you in every aspect on top of that just completely broke my spirit, and shattered my heart. I can't help but fall asleep to loves that dont exist, Friends that were never there, and a family i'll never have. Dreams that will never come true, stories that will never see the light of day, and a hard drive full of music/production that only a few will hear.

Maybe one day, I'll ctb and release all the hundreds of songs I've produced/written. Then the world can do whatever they want with them. I've been in mourning over my life and dreams as they've died a long time ago. And it hasn't stopped hurting yet. I;m waiting for the day it either stops or gets so bad that I don't even care anymore. Then maybe then I'll be ready to ctb. I'll never have a dream come true, but maybe i'll become a dream come true.

While I find comfort knowing I'm not alone in this feeling, what you've been through sounds awful. It's hard to carry on each day know there aspects of yourself that were underutilized or rejected- what could it have hurt those who "cared," to encourage or foster positive growth in their kin.

Here's hoping you find the solution

Yes I do. I'm now in my late 30's with serious brain and body damage from SSRIs. Before this I battled OCD, depression, and social anxiety that prevented me from getting what I wanted out of life. Plus I got addicted to opiates and benzos and battled Crohn's. Just one thing after another. I wasn't a bad-looking guy and was reasonably smart but was overly anxious and lacked motivation. I would do anything to go back 25 years or so and do so many things differently. The regret I have for so many things is unbearable. At least it will be over soon.

Sorry to hear about what you've been going through, it's hard knowing the very things that were supposed to help you actually caused you harm. MH has such a lasting impact on one's development &the fact that we still use meds that cause lasting damage is beyond me.

Hope you can find peace too.

I don't see how I could've done anything differently :/ Unless everything around me changed.. if my parents personalities were completely different, and more involved in my school life, if I hadn't grown up in and become accustomed to isolation which fostered social anxiety, if my dad wasn't a piece of shit and cared about what kind of environment we were growing up in, and why I couldn't bring friends over ..

Oh, it sounds like things haven't been in your favour, sorry to hear that. It's frustrating how much parents can really f*ck you up, &yet have no real qualifications before they can become parents.

 

[muffin222]

I sometimes ponder how differently my life could have unfolded and progressed had I not developed PTSD, but I try not to dwell on that for too long anymore. It fills me with unbearable sorrow

 

[NodusTollens]

I sometimes ponder how differently my life could have unfolded and progressed had I not developed PTSD, but I try not to dwell on that for too long anymore. It fills me with unbearable sorrow

Well, you're a better Muffin than I. I'm sure it can't be easy to keep everything at bay.

Dwelling seems to be a way of life for me. Sucks getting so wrapped up in my own world (trauma) that I forget when I am, am I in the present? Am I experiencing a flashback? Or am I just reliving old memories?

It's often so hard to tell.

 

[Nyxtus]

Every single day. I've had family, teachers and professors tell me I was incredibly intelligent but never tried, they don't and never will know I have CPTSD and severe anxiety. My memory is completely shot and I can hardly pay attention to anything. I wonder all the time what I could have been if I didn't have to go through what I did, if I could have realized all that "potential" in a different life or circumstance. This is especially compounded when I think about my ex girlfriend, where we -could- have worked but just failed to realize all that potential and possibility. I think it's normal for most of us here to feel this way, although not healthy in the least.

 

[NodusTollens]

Every single day. I've had family, teachers and professors tell me I was incredibly intelligent but never tried, they don't and never will know I have CPTSD and severe anxiety. My memory is completely shot and I can hardly pay attention to anything. I wonder all the time what I could have been if I didn't have to go through what I did, if I could have realized all that "potential" in a different life or circumstance. This is especially compounded when I think about my ex girlfriend, where we -could- have worked but just failed to realize all that potential and possibility. I think it's normal for most of us here to feel this way, although not healthy in the least.

Sounds like you've been through a lot, I can't imagine what it's like to live inside your head. I hope you find peace, how ever, that looks for you.


&Though I agree, it's not healthy- I find I'm triggered by every day life (SM, TV, conversation, so I fall into these flashbacks or painful memories without warning. If I could stop it, I would.

 

[Starseedchip]

The thought of what I could have been fuels my depression. It's extremely frustrating for me because I was forcibly swayed from what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to be myself or live the life I wanted. I still feel so powerless knowing my life was determined for me. Free will does not exist. Your parents, teachers, peers, etc all have a hand in determining who you are. No matter what I think I would always be a depressive realist but I could have had some personal happiness had things gone my way.

 

[NodusTollens]

The thought of what I could have been fuels my depression. It's extremely frustrating for me because I was forcibly swayed from what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to be myself or live the life I wanted. I still feel so powerless knowing my life was determined for me. Free will does not exist. Your parents, teachers, peers, etc all have a hand in determining who you are. No matter what I think I would always be a depressive realist but I could have had some personal happiness had things gone my way.

I feel you so much on this, though I can only imagine what that feels like for you, it sounds to me like it hurts an awful lot. & when I think about this situation, I think of the imagery of a carrot on a string dangled in front of a horse; your dreams were in sight, but just out of reach. It's not like you put that carrot on the string but others have told you how awesome it would be to actually get the carrot, but they never allow it to actually be in arms reach.

*sigh*

Well despite it all, I hope you find what you're looking for, how ever that looks for you. You deserve the ability to make your own decisions &be in control of your life.