DAE Find it Thrilling to Keep This Secret?

[Celerity]

Maybe I'm a bad person. Maybe I'm just numb to the horror of suicidal ideation at this point, but I'm starting to get a little thrill whenever I log in here.

I just go about my day and talk to people like I'm a normal fucking person with absolutely nothing stressful going on. Little do they know how much time I spend on this site or how often I casually fantasize about killing myself. Something about that just gets me. It's like I'm leading a double life.

I think this feeling will only sweeten as I get closer to the finish line.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Now that you mention it, that would explain why I've still been coming here even on days when I'm not feeling as suicidal. Probably just the taboo of being in such a place...

 

[WornOutLife]

I think many of us are in your shoes!
I have no friends left and I'm currently only talking to my dad, dog (lol) and my students! Well, and YOU ALL!

It seems pretending is the only way not to end up in a psych ward but the truth is that being here is helping me lots. Much better than therapy!

 

[Celerity]

I think many of us are in your shoes!
I have no friends left and I'm currently only talking to my dad, dog (lol) and my students! Well, and YOU ALL!

It seems pretending is the only way not to end up in a psych ward but the truth is that being here is helping me lots. Much better than therapy!

Agree completely on the therapy bit.

 

[MYStERY_Man]

Earlier today my dad was giving me a ride, he told me he would get me a new motorcycle. Meanwhile, I was casually browsing the forum by his side. So I kinda know what you mean.

But, tbh, my mind is all over the place. Yesterday I regretted telling the psychologist about my ideation right in the first session. I was really only looking for a way to keep my head in place while working on this new job, not to focus on the suicide thing. Today I just stopped looping the same 2012 album three times in a row while lurking in the chat. I was both nostalgic and sad that I'd never be 16 again. Then there was this tiny voice saying maybe I should try to recover after all, and I could even block the Suicide Discussion section...

So I have no idea of what's going on. Am I a double agent? A triple agent? AHHHHH.... I'll try to sleep it off.

 

[LastFlowers]

For me, not at all, plus no one gives a rat's ass about me to even know what I'm doing or what I'm not doing, I am isolated, not really anybody looking over my shoulder so to speak.
No thrill for me, no double life, just one straight up miserable one.

I think many of us are in your shoes!
I have no friends left and I'm currently only talking to my dad, dog (lol) and my students! Well, and YOU ALL!

It seems pretending is the only way not to end up in a psych ward but the truth is that being here is helping me lots. Much better than therapy!

What do you teach? Just curious.

 

[LakatosDiogenesz]

Now that you mention it, it's a lot like being a secret agent behind enemy lines

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Now that you mention it, it's a lot like being a secret agent behind enemy lines

 

[LakatosDiogenesz]

View attachment 67112

You normal people might have copper wiring to reroute your fear of death, but I've got nerves of steel.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I think many of us are in your shoes!
I have no friends left and I'm currently only talking to my dad, dog (lol) and my students! Well, and YOU ALL!

It seems pretending is the only way not to end up in a psych ward but the truth is that being here is helping me lots. Much better than therapy!

You seem to be a pretty cool guy. I'm surprised that you don't get a lot of friends to talk to. You're popular here, and you have the social skills needed to survive out there.