Cut myself properly for the first time and I hate that I get the "appeal"

[scary]

Normally I'd give myself what some people would call "cat scratches" (as gross as I think that is, self harm is self harm no matter if you're gushing blood or not) but this time I used scissors instead of my nails and what I felt after is one I feel regret for feeling. It distracted myself from my thoughts, hurting my body like this and I think that's what most people want to happen, but it also felt weirdly good? or at least it was a nice change of pace from being numb emotionless and bedrotting (idk if "good" is the right term). Its a weird feeling, not being immediately alarmed when you're bleeding.

But I also hate myself for the fact that my cat was in the room with me and I had no idea. She must've been under the bed or something but by the time I was done she jumped up and looked at me like something was wrong. She wanted to rub against my arm and I had to quickly wash myself so she didn't get any blood on her. I feel so bad that she had to witness me like that, I'm pretty sure cats can at least tell when someone is physically hurt I would assume.

This happened a while ago today but ever since then she's been icky sticky with me wanting to be beside me more. Sometimes I wonder if she knows I want to die.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Normally I'd give myself what some people would call "cat scratches" (as gross as I think that is, self harm is self harm no matter if you're gushing blood or not) but this time I used scissors instead of my nails and what I felt after is one I feel regret for feeling. It distracted myself from my thoughts, hurting my body like this and I think that's what most people want to happen, but it also felt weirdly good? or at least it was a nice change of pace from being numb emotionless and bedrotting (idk if "good" is the right term). Its a weird feeling, not being immediately alarmed when you're bleeding.

But I also hate myself for the fact that my cat was in the room with me and I had no idea. She must've been under the bed or something but by the time I was done she jumped up and looked at me like something was wrong. She wanted to rub against my arm and I had to quickly wash myself so she didn't get any blood on her. I feel so bad that she had to witness me like that, I'm pretty sure cats can at least tell when someone is physically hurt I would assume.

This happened a while ago today but ever since then she's been icky sticky with me wanting to be beside me more. Sometimes I wonder if she knows I want to die.

Totally relatable. I haven't cut since around 2012, but have thought a lot about it lately. And the rush is absolutely insane. It's like the kind of rush I get on mild drugs. Hard to explain.

 

[charlavail]

i cut for the first time in over 15 years this past week. I've just been panicking and ruminating and crying in a way that was taking over my body and after thinking about it for weeks i just did it. the quiet in my brain was insane. like every pain and thought in my brain just stopped, almost like my brain was one of those long hum hertz that people play to calm themselves down as I was doing it. I hate that I did it, and I hate that now again it's what I keep thinking will help the quiet.

I think my cat knows when i'm severly upset and when I'm really going through it. she's not the most cuddly, but she will sit next to me and sniff my tears.

 

[ShadowedChaos]

It releases your own painkillers and pleasure chemicals in a way. Similar to other addictions when you're trying to numb the pain. I used to be really bad too a point a psychiatrist recommended to me that I get put on a medication thst will stop the natural release of endorphins or something so you still feel the pain but you don't get the positive effects of it. It's been almost a whole decade I've struggled with self harm in different ways and severity. It does become an addiction at points just be careful. Remember to just be safe and responsible when cutting and keep everything clean. Also cats can tell I think most pets can tells. My cats whenever I was really suicidal or had been cutting or been through something really tough even if no one else noticed they'd be there trying to comfort me or at least be there to make sure I was safe. Sometimes they will bug the ever living fuck out of you when you are really struggling and they're worried but it helps in someway.

 

[Asya]

I really want to start cutting but I'm such a pussy about pain >.< I've only physically self harmed with blunt force before, not any cuts... I honestly feel a little invalid because I don't cut. It's the stereotype for someone like me to. Self-harm cuts look so pretty, too.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I've been thinking about doing it, too
the only thing stopping me is the scars and dealing with cleanup
if I could cut without leaving scars behind then I would do it everyday I think
I haven't done it in about a year, though
I'm really missing the feeling

 

[Rev346]

It's addictive. I haven't done it in about 11 years but I've had very strong urges the past couple months. For now my go to is to use alcohol sanitizer whenever I get a cut. Not the same but good enough.

 

[Fresh Soju]

I've always wanted to cut, but I never did it because I am vain and cherish looks too much..
Tho I did donate blood the other day and at one point started bleeding a lot by accident, and I loved the warmth of my blood on my arm. Made me wonder if you feel that from cutting, in which case that'd make cutting even more appealing.

 

[BillyBob]

I want to start cutting again. My cuts are deep so take weeks to months to heal up depending which is why I have not done it for years.
The feeling afterwards is like you have had a huge dopamine hit which makes you want to do it more and more.
It is the hiding the cuts and blood etc which comes the hard part depending where you cut. I have scars over my chest and get questioned sometimes about them.
Sigh I want to cut so badly atm so I can feel something besides this numbing feeling from my meds.

 

[teethreceiver]

once you realize how grounding pain can be its very hard to look back. Ive been self harming for 6 years straight, its something im not sure ill ever be away with fully. though i dont cut consistently anymore, once every couple months. but i think about it constantly. whenever something bad happens my first thought is to cut. bad habit. it's just so hard to break. especially once you start to cut deeper, then its almost impossible. the worse it gets the longer ur brain is silent for. theres a reason I dont do it daily anymore though, it's just way too hard to keep up.