I hear ya, I fear and loathe the ward more than anything. It's fine when I'm manic and oblivious, the problems start when I'm coming down or (sometimes) wasn't even ill to start with. Some patients are fucking scary. The people like me when I'm up then can't understand when I suddenly withdraw and they realise I'm not that person anymore. It's so awkward.
We are allowed phones and even laptops but you have to guard them with your life. Being assigned to a dorm instead of a single room was horrific. One woman complained that I snored and another kept entering my personal space, stole my clothes and took them to her room. The staff are not helpful whatsoever if someone decides to persecute you. The toilet repeatedly got blocked as one woman kept using way too much paper. We'd then have to wait days for the repair man to fix it. There is no plug for the bath. You have to use wadded up paper towels instead. Just how it's always been for 30 years.
Washing your clothes is a big performance that can easily take a whole day because there is only one machine and dryer. Sometimes you can wait weeks to see a doctor because they are sick or on leave. You're perfectly fine to leave but can't until you are seen and the time drags horribly with nothing to do. You see plenty other patients in better shape than you going through the same thing. There's a lot of bullying and mobbing of anyone who seems vulnerable, it's every bit as bad as a school playground.
The most torturous thing about it is just never knowing how long you will be detained. You are completely at their mercy and the whim of the psych who eventually sees you. You don't know what the nurses are 'observing' when they look at you. Maybe I will be detained for being a quiet anxious introvert even tho that's not why I'm there.
We'd be taken out for walks and to the shop in groups with a nurse. So demeaning. My last proper stay was in the spring of 2019 and was wholly unnecessary and an absolute nightmare. I would go to the occupational therapy department and group just to get off the ward. Both were a joke, I felt horribly depressed, socially anxious and self conscious. Being thrown together with a bunch of random strangers was pure torture at that point.
I was sectioned again for 3 days last October because of a malicious accusation by a passer by while out walking. I was released as soon as the psych saw me. That was just as random coz what if I'd had to wait weeks to see one like before? Or they decided I needed to be there, since their decisions are often arbitrary and dependent on their whim that day. None of them know you from Adam. Nothing worse than being locked up with loud extrovert crazy people all clamouring for attention when you know you're fine and just want to be left alone! Waste of everyone's time and taxpayer money. You get judged by stuff that happened in the past that is written in your notes.
I hope to never ever go back. Since becoming a virtual recluse it's easier to avoid. There's nothing therapeutic or safe about my local psych ward. I was raped and fell pregnant there many years ago. I used to legitimately put myself in dangerous situations during manic episodes when much younger but these days I just write cringeworthy nonsense on fb and Twitter that no one reads and order lavish takeaways. Hang in there OP, I hope you get out soon.
