Venting Ctbing tomorrow 4pm

[Idontmatter]

I wanted to ctb this morning but I can't get enough time alone since my in-laws haven't left to go home yet. Feeling frustrated as I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this depression. I decided to ctb at 4pm eastern time tomorrow. Maybe if I drink my sn right when my husband leaves for work I'll be gone by the time he gets home. That gives me 5 hours. I've accepted the fact that I'm going to do it and I decided not to waste money on a hotel since my husband is going to need all the money he has after I'm gone. I'm only going to do the sn. Sorry for my annoying posts. I just had to vent. I hope im not being selfish for ctbing. Im just done fighting depression. I'm nervous, scared but so ready. I want to thank you all for putting up with me. Each and everyone of you have helped me through the past several months. I'm not sure if there is life after death but I've accepted my fate. Again thank you to all of you and to this forum. I'll try and post tomorrow when I'm about to ctb. I'll also mention if I decide to back out or if I fail. I'll be very nervous and scared so I'll apologize in advance for any rambling thoughts. Being on here might help me until I go unconscious. Love you all. I'll be enjoying my last meal tonight before I fast. I feel like im on my own death row. Soon you'll be rid of me… lol. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to live and I don't deserve the wonderful husband im leaving behind.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not think there is anything selfish about ctb, after all we all have the right to leave this world and it is your life and your decision. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much and I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Idontmatter]

I do not think there is anything selfish about ctb, after all we all have the right to leave this world and it is your life and your decision. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much and I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you. I'm nervous but ready to end the battle finally.

 

[indica]

you don't have to apologize. your posts are not annoying. you deserve to be here. you deserve to live. you deserve a wonderful husband.

 

[Idontmatter]

you don't have to apologize. your posts are not annoying. you deserve to be here. you deserve to live. you deserve a wonderful husband.

I don't feel like I do. He deserves so much better. Someone who isn't fucked up in the head. I put in my goodbye letter that he can throw my ashes in the trash if he wants to.
I'm expecting some discomfort since I'm just doing the sn but hopefully not to much.

 

[Sittichmutter]

Why do you say you do not deserve to live and do not deserve your husband?
You are so badly depressed and hopeless. Have you got any kind of help lately?
I wish I could help you.

 

[Idontmatter]

I've tried help. Talk therapy doesn't help, medications don't work. I've been fighting this for years. I've given up on myself. I don't even cry much anymore. I'm just exhausted

 

[Cathy Ames]

I don't feel like I do. He deserves so much better. Someone who isn't fucked up in the head. I put in my goodbye letter that he can throw my ashes in the trash if he wants to.
I'm expecting some discomfort since I'm just doing the sn but hopefully not to much.

Respectfully, it is for your husband to decide if he deserves (or more accurately WANTS) "better" (whatever that means). The price of his getting to (perhaps) have something better will be 1) the HUGE shock and horror of finding your body and 2) a tremendous amount of guilt he may carry for the rest of his life, however long or brief that may be (some number of survivors subsequently CTB).

I don't say this to try to talk you out of anything. I just don't think you should be lying to yourself about what you are doing to him. PLEASE take the effort and write the best note to him that you possibly can. Tell him it's not his fault, you tried extremely hard to hide it, you KNOW that he loved you (and his love is what kept you going so long, even if it it is not true), there is nothing he could have done, etc. Unless you have included a lot of other things in the note along with it, this "throw my ashes in the trash" thing reads as actively HOSTILE, as though you think he doesn't love and value you or something like that. If you care about him at all, you need to do better.

 

[Imperia]

I just want to hug you and say you are loved. Depression is unbearable.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I just want to hug you and say you are loved. Depression is unbearable.

Yes, also this.

 

[Someone123]

I am worried if you are doing the sn without an antiemitic- based on posts here this does sometimes work but there is increased risk of vomiting, which can cause an attempt to fail. Takng something like tylenol is also supposed to help quite a bit. I hope you are able to find peace.

 

[Idontmatter]

I am worried if you are doing the sn without an antiemitic- based on posts here this does sometimes work but there is increased risk of vomiting, which can cause an attempt to fail. Takng something like tylenol is also supposed to help quite a bit. I hope you are able to find peace.

I understand the concern. People vomit even with an ae. As long as I fast and I keep the sn down as long as possible I should absorb enough. Plus I'll have a couple of backup cups prepared. I do have Tylenol which I can take for the headache

 

[Sittichmutter]

I've tried help. Talk therapy doesn't help, medications don't work. I've been fighting this for years. I've given up on myself. I don't even cry much anymore. I'm just exhausted

I am really sorry you feel this way. You care about people.You seem like a lovely person.

 

[~Q~]

Being kind to the others around you in your final moments is crucial to how they can cope. What was said earlier about making sure he knows its not his fault and there is nothing he could do is important as he will have to keep going and deal with it. You get the end you want. Its only fair.

 

[Idontmatter]

Being kind to the others around you in your final moments is crucial to how they can cope. What was said earlier about making sure he knows its not his fault and there is nothing he could do is important as he will have to keep going and deal with it. You get the end you want. Its only fair.

It's all noted in the goodbye letter

 

[~Q~]

It's all noted in the goodbye letter

Then i wish you a safe journey.

 

[Judy Garland]

I've tried help. Talk therapy doesn't help, medications don't work. I've been fighting this for years. I've given up on myself. I don't even cry much anymore. I'm just exhausted

I've been fighting for years too. Be nicer to yourself while you are still here. Don't beat yourself up about your past and life. You did the best you could do. We all are doing the best we can do, even though we're plagued with "should have, would have, could have".

 

[Idontmatter]

I've been fighting for years too. Be nicer to yourself while you are still here. Don't beat yourself up about your past and life. You did the best you could do. We all are doing the best we can do, even though we're plagued with "should have, would have, could have".

I'm always hard on myself. I have less than 24 hours now and am getting more nervous.

 

[Judy Garland]

I'm always hard on myself. I have less than 24 hours now and am getting more nervous.

That's your SI kicking in. A user who has already died on here said it best: that we will never feel ready, we will always be nervous, and it will be like that until we've died. It's part of our body's instinct to survive. Maybe take a nice warm bath for the time being.

 

[Idontmatter]

That's your SI kicking in. A user who has already died on here said it best: that we will never feel ready, we will always be nervous, and it will be like that until we've died. It's part of our body's instinct to survive. Maybe take a nice warm bath for the time being.

Yeah, I'm going to get a Reese's (my favorite ) and going to take a nice hot shower. After midnight I'll start fasting.

 

[JamieJambo]

you don't have to apologize. your posts are not annoying. you deserve to be here. you deserve to live. you deserve a wonderful husband.

That was my thinking exactly! You are precious, whether you believe it or not

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sad for the pain you are obviously in. I'm so sad that it has got to this point for you.

I can relate to you when you keep apologising- I tend to do that too but you don't need to do that here. I haven't been on here long but it seems to me that this is a place where you don't have to pretend to be ok for everyone else's sake. I imagine we're all on here because we are really struggling with life and want to talk about it. There's nothing wrong in that. If people don't like it- they don't have to read it after all.

I also get that you want to throw yourself away- the remark about chucking your ashes in the bin really hits home. Still, I suspect other people do not perceive you as you do. I think that can be a blessing and a curse though.

I remember reading one of those self help books once saying to be mindful of your inner voice- that many of us are terribly cruel and berating towards ourselves. That- if it were an actual person that voiced what we think to ourselves- we'd likely reject them.

On the one hand- I guess that's a blessing- that we are likely the most cruel person to ourselves. On the other hand though, I think it can make you feel like no one really knows you- if you feel like they love who they think you are. I sometimes feel like that.

Just reading your comments though, I feel like you are a very sensitive and caring person. I'm sure you are loved for that. I don't know what to say really. I feel like it's your decision to make- the same as it is all of ours. I'm just so sad and sorry that the depression has become overwhelming. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Conker]

Yeah, I'm going to get a Reese's (my favorite ) and going to take a nice hot shower. After midnight I'll start fasting.

just wondering, what's the last movie you've seen?

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm so sad for the pain you are obviously in. I'm so sad that it has got to this point for you.

I can relate to you when you keep apologising- I tend to do that too but you don't need to do that here. I haven't been on here long but it seems to me that this is a place where you don't have to pretend to be ok for everyone else's sake. I imagine we're all on here because we are really struggling with life and want to talk about it. There's nothing wrong in that. If people don't like it- they don't have to read it after all.

I also get that you want to throw yourself away- the remark about chucking your ashes in the bin really hits home. Still, I suspect other people do not perceive you as you do. I think that can be a blessing and a curse though.

I remember reading one of those self help books once saying to be mindful of your inner voice- that many of us are terribly cruel and berating towards ourselves. That- if it were an actual person that voiced what we think to ourselves- we'd likely reject them.

On the one hand- I guess that's a blessing- that we are likely the most cruel person to ourselves. On the other hand though, I think it can make you feel like no one really knows you- if you feel like they love who they think you are. I sometimes feel like that.

Just reading your comments though, I feel like you are a very sensitive and caring person. I'm sure you are loved for that. I don't know what to say really. I feel like it's your decision to make- the same as it is all of ours. I'm just so sad and sorry that the depression has become overwhelming. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

Thank you. I've just cried for the past hour. My husband knows I'm suicidal because of past breakdowns. I keep thinking of him and feeling guilty.

just wondering, what's the last movie you've seen?

I can't even remember actually. We were supposed to go see Top Gun soon.

 

[silentvoice]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, you sound like a lovely person who shouldn't have to deal with all this pain. Have you made peace with your husband and family?

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, you sound like a lovely person who shouldn't have to deal with all this pain. Have you made peace with your husband and family?

My husband knows I'm suicidal but not my plan for today. I feel guilty he is going to be the one to find me. I've wrote and stressed in my letter that it's not his fault and everything.

 

[brokensoulsdiealone]

If this is what you are ready to do and you are 100% sure everyone has no choice but to support I hope you find the peace your looking for sorry for the pain your were caused I hope that I can meet you on the other side I will be CTB soon as well

 

[Idontmatter]

I've got less than 8 hours left now

 

[brokensoulsdiealone]

I've got less than 8 hours left now

Is there any racing thoughts going through your mind ?

 

[Idontmatter]

Is there any racing thoughts going through your mind ?

A few, I'm curious if there is life after death, I'm thinking I'm hoping I won't have a lot of discomfort and I'm hoping it will be a quick death