CTB will be sad for me

[schopenh]

I fundamentally don't want to die. I just have two very painful chronic conditions that make life extremely un-enjoyable (housebound, in a lot of pain, and most recently, can't even masturbate due to the pain it causes).

I won't be going out with a bang or even getting comfortable in bed with some music playing. If I bring myself to swallow the SN I assume I'll be incredibly upset and crying while I think of my loved ones and my life before illness.

Anyone else like this?

The world is lovely when it's not so cruel.

Sorry for the double post this morning. It's one of those days where I am just super upset.

Here's a few things I miss: basic comfort, walking, wearing pants, sex, cuddling, swimming in the sea, driving, being in a friend's car as they drive around, hiking, traveling, teaching at university, chilling in cafés, eating out, sitting on a bench in parks or the city, walking a dog, going to the cinema, going to museums, socialising in general, lying on a beach, lying in a field, cooking food for my friends (I do this when they call over but it brings me limited joy), the ability to go to the store for myself, exercising, sleeping in a bed (pain makes it no fun), chatting up women (I'm a devil for it and pretty good at it - even got a girlfriend in all this mess using tinder), wandering around the city aimlessly... and much more.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

Have you considered some of your favourite music it may ease your anxiety

 

[schopenh]

Have you considered some of your favourite music it may ease your anxiety

Hi, thanks for your comment. Yes, I'll be doing that. I'm also considering popping a bunch of xanax and opioids as well so I feel on cloud 9. Problem is I might not ctb then.

 

[Ghost2211]

I can imagine how sad it is to still have the passion and desire to live, but wanting to die from health conditions. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a hopeless place. Sending you hugs and love.

 

[schopenh]

I can imagine how sad it is to still have the passion and desire to live, but wanting to die from health conditions. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a hopeless place. Sending you hugs and love.

Thank you!

 

[NextSummer]

I also don't want to die. But due to illness, I might end up homeless in around 15 years. I enjoy life but I can't endure homelessness. So yea, it might be similar, I will be sad when I ctb.

 

[schopenh]

I also don't want to die. But due to illness, I might end up homeless in around 15 years. I enjoy life but I can't endure homelessness. So yea, it might be similar, I will be sad when I ctb.

Why may you end up homeless?

 

[WornOutLife]

But in the end, you'll find peace or hopefully, a better life than this one.
In my case, rather than sadness, I feel frustration because it's so hard to deal with life in this world. (At least for me, it's even difficult to lose weight and I keep gaining pounds, daaaamn it)

 

[NextSummer]

I had a wonderful career that abruptly ended when I got severly mentally ill. Now I cannot work and have to live in my parents house. They are old and I guess their time will be over in around 15 years. I don't know what will happen next. What I know is that I can not rent an apartment because 1) nobody gives an unemployed person a chance, even though the state would fund it 2) fundable housing in cities is hard to find 3) foreign looking people are heavily excluded from the housing market (Germany).

I don't know if I will be able to live in the parents house after they are gone. There is a chance that I will end up homeless. I enjoy life but it's scary to know that I might have to ctb in around 15 years against my will.

 

[jolo44]

I feel completely what you are saying. The prospect of leaving life is hard and not what I expected to happen so soon, but here I am. Its incredibly sad and painful to actually stand before the decision of having to kill yourself while the good memories keep dragging you back to stay. Hope you find peace in whatever decision you take.

 

[voyager (D)]

It's not that hard to give up life when life has given up on you.

 

[schopenh]

But in the end, you'll find peace or hopefully, a better life than this one.
In my case, rather than sadness, I feel frustration because it's so hard to deal with life in this world. (At least for me, it's even difficult to lose weight and I keep gaining pounds, daaaamn it)

Is this due to medications for your bipolar?

I had a wonderful career that abruptly ended when I got severly mentally ill. Now I cannot work and have to live in my parents house. They are old and I guess their time will be over in around 15 years. I don't know what will happen next. What I know is that I can not rent an apartment because 1) nobody gives an unemployed person a chance, even though the state would fund it 2) fundable housing in cities is hard to find 3) foreign looking people are heavily excluded from the housing market (Germany).

I don't know if I will be able to live in the parents house after they are gone. There is a chance that I will end up homeless. I enjoy life but it's scary to know that I might have to ctb in around 15 years against my will.

I'm sorry, that's really awful. Roughly what age are you now?

I feel completely what you are saying. The prospect of leaving life is hard and not what I expected to happen so soon, but here I am. Its incredibly sad and painful to actually stand before the decision of having to kill yourself while the good memories keep dragging you back to stay. Hope you find peace in whatever decision you take.

Completely agree with your words. Thanks, I hope you do too

It's not that hard to give up life when life has given up on you.

I'm struggling unfortunately. Any small thing keeps me about.

 

[Stick]

I feel the same way. The rational part of me wants to leave ASAP, but I know that once I really ctb my emotions will get the better of me.

 

[Mr2005]

I fundamentally don't want to die. I just have two very painful chronic conditions that make life extremely un-enjoyable (housebound, in a lot of pain, and most recently, can't even masturbate due to the pain it causes).

I won't be going out with a bang or even getting comfortable in bed with some music playing. If I bring myself to swallow the SN I assume I'll be incredibly upset and crying while I think of my loved ones and my life before illness.

Anyone else like this?

The world is lovely when it's not so cruel.

Sorry for the double post this morning. It's one of those days where I am just super upset.

Here's a few things I miss: basic comfort, walking, wearing pants, sex, cuddling, swimming in the sea, driving, being in a friend's car as they drive around, hiking, traveling, teaching at university, chilling in cafés, eating out, sitting on a bench in parks or the city, walking a dog, going to the cinema, going to museums, socialising in general, lying on a beach, lying in a field, cooking food for my friends (I do this when they call over but it brings me limited joy), the ability to go to the store for myself, exercising, sleeping in a bed (pain makes it no fun), chatting up women (I'm a devil for it and pretty good at it - even got a girlfriend in all this mess using tinder), wandering around the city aimlessly... and much more.

Exactly how I feel. I don't hate life I hate that I ruined mine. I was actually incredibly lucky and cannot live with myself. I could still have some semblance of a life if I could forget about it but I can't. It ruins every second of every day. If I die that's it and it's a waste that could have been prevented so easily but that's how I feel in life. The only comforting thing is if I'm dead I don't have to know about it. It won't matter to me at all. It's only during the twenty minutes or so it's going to take that are going to be really really hard. Particularly if I think what it's going to do to a certain person but she can't save me, it's too late. I don't want to do this but I've forced myself into it. I cannot live a happy life even if that's what I want

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am sorry for all your suffering.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm so very sorry for your health condition. It broke my heart reading what you miss especially pants, and the simple things like laying in a field or at the beach. Something we all have access to but fail to try to do. Maybe when I go over to my son in 10 days I'll go to the beach there and lay on it for you. I'm sorry for how you have been brought to the decision to CTB even though you mentally have so much life left in you. sending you love and hopes that your physical condition will improve some so you can enjoy at least the simpler things you miss...

 

[NextSummer]

Roughly what age are you now?

I am in my early 30ies. How old are you?

 

[schopenh]

I'm so very sorry for your health condition. It broke my heart reading what you miss especially pants, and the simple things like laying in a field or at the beach. Something we all have access to but fail to try to do. Maybe when I go over to my son in 10 days I'll go to the beach there and lay on it for you. I'm sorry for how you have been brought to the decision to CTB even though you mentally have so much life left in you. sending you love and hopes that your physical condition will improve some so you can enjoy at least the simpler things you miss...

Thanks for your comment, have a nice time with your son!

I am in my early 30ies. How old are you?

I'm in my late twenties myself.

 

[yetme]

I fundamentally don't want to die. I just have two very painful chronic conditions that make life extremely un-enjoyable (housebound, in a lot of pain, and most recently, can't even masturbate due to the pain it causes).

I won't be going out with a bang or even getting comfortable in bed with some music playing. If I bring myself to swallow the SN I assume I'll be incredibly upset and crying while I think of my loved ones and my life before illness.

Anyone else like this?

The world is lovely when it's not so cruel.

Sorry for the double post this morning. It's one of those days where I am just super upset.

Here's a few things I miss: basic comfort, walking, wearing pants, sex, cuddling, swimming in the sea, driving, being in a friend's car as they drive around, hiking, traveling, teaching at university, chilling in cafés, eating out, sitting on a bench in parks or the city, walking a dog, going to the cinema, going to museums, socialising in general, lying on a beach, lying in a field, cooking food for my friends (I do this when they call over but it brings me limited joy), the ability to go to the store for myself, exercising, sleeping in a bed (pain makes it no fun), chatting up women (I'm a devil for it and pretty good at it - even got a girlfriend in all this mess using tinder), wandering around the city aimlessly... and much more.

Oh man(( I can totally relate... I have a few pain free hours a day, but other than that it's hell on earth .. Not so much left to enjoy because of my condition. I can't even eat proper food.
You sure you explored all options?

 

[yep]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but is hospice available for you. Hospice is a very nice way to die if you're illness is terminal or you can't take treatment anymore.

 

[schopenh]

Oh man(( I can totally relate... I have a few pain free hours a day, but other than that it's hell on earth .. Not so much left to enjoy because of my condition. I can't even eat proper food.
You sure you explored all options?

I am very, very sure. I don't even want to get into it. Now my most recent partner is trying to open up the 'let's fly to X and try this thing' stuff again. She isn't getting how tired I am of all that now.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but is hospice available for you. Hospice is a very nice way to die if you're illness is terminal or you can't take treatment anymore.

It's not a terminal illness (which is so sad to think that I feel that's unfortunate). I'll live for the next 50 or so years. It's nervous system disease in my lumbar spine and (presumably) interstitial cystitis in my urogenital system. Both are just chronic pain conditions with hypothesized origins. All healthcare has to offer me is chronic pain management, which does more harm than good for me personally

 

[yep]

I am very, very sure. I don't even want to get into it. Now my most recent partner is trying to open up the 'let's fly to X and try this thing' stuff again. She isn't getting how tired I am of all that now.


It's not a terminal illness (which is so sad to think that I feel that's unfortunate). I'll live for the next 50 or so years. It's nervous system disease in my lumbar spine and (presumably) interstitial cystitis in my urogenital system. Both are just chronic pain conditions with hypothesized origins. All healthcare has to offer me is chronic pain management, which does more harm than good for me personally

That sucks I'm really sorry. I hope whatever you decide let's you find peace.

 

[stacychad]

Has any of you guys ever talked to this person Schopenh via message or skype whatever in personally? PLEASE let me know if you have.

 

[Prathibha]

Yup I have the same feeling I wanted to live I wanted to get married I wanted to TC of my mother but all my dreams become ash Nd now I'm a piece of junk in the universe nd don't want live coz I dint see any purpose nd hope I lost my relationship nd mom Nd don't have anything to holdon. It's killing me very badly nd scared to but don't have any choice...

 

[Butterfly65]

I am very, very sure. I don't even want to get into it. Now my most recent partner is trying to open up the 'let's fly to X and try this thing' stuff again. She isn't getting how tired I am of all that now.


It's not a terminal illness (which is so sad to think that I feel that's unfortunate). I'll live for the next 50 or so years. It's nervous system disease in my lumbar spine and (presumably) interstitial cystitis in my urogenital system. Both are just chronic pain conditions with hypothesized origins. All healthcare has to offer me is chronic pain management, which does more harm than good for me personally

I'm sorry. I completely understand. I too live in terrible chronic pain and I live alone with no help no family or anyone. I'm on the verge of loosing my income and housing too. I will be CTB within the next few months.