Discussion Ctb time lines

[Lara Francis]

I am under enormous stress atm and my mind is questioning so much and the urgency for answers and knowledge is more than overwhelming.

I thought the recovery thread was a good idea even though i will proberly not be a member that will go down that route.

I am not being gloomy but realistic and honest with myself.
My future could unfold in a number of ways and all the decisions are out of my hands.
Do you think that there becomes a point of no return regardless to any good opportunities that come your way.
I cannot see a life without my son being returned to me no matter how hard i try.
Its like a concrete wall.
Some people do choose to give life other go despite a unforgiving past,what gives u that strength and hope to try again when you have been knocked down so many times?
I am living for my boy but it looks like he may not be returned at this point because they feel i am not ready.
In my world ,i am as good as i can really be and each and everyday takes what little strength and motivation i have.
I believe that suicide should be spoken about more to highlight the depths of despair that we endure every day.
I feel so helpless atm and realistically .my time is running out - maybe not for the first time but definatly the last.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

Sorry you are going through so much pain at the minute. Nothing I can say will take that away. But I do hope you can be happy with you boy soon. He definitely needs his mummy and I hope you can be strong. But I cannot imagine your pain. Things for everyone is different and we all have our reasons and deal with them every day.
As for timescales, well let's say I have a blank diary from sometime in the next month or so. But who knows I may try for longer as I feel I can't go just yet. Too much going on I really need to be around to try to help others with. I'm a good person deep down but really losing the will to be here.

 

[JimFord99]

Yes, there is a point oh no return. I hope everything turns out well for you, even if things are out of you hands now.

 

[Stan]

My heart goes out to you as I am aware of not having the relationship and closeness that you want with a child, I don't think even the best poet or bards could put that pain into words. The therapists call it 'the miracle' question. If everything blocking your way to happiness disappeared, would you be happy? Its great that you are living for your boy but if you are not living for yourself as well, then there is that question to be answered. Children grow up and leave after a few years, how will you feel then? As they say on the aeroplanes safety talk, when the oxygen mask falls, put yours on and then help someone else. I know I am useless now, took me a long time to come that knowledge so I am in no position to help anyone else with their oxygen mask.

My helplessness waned a bit when I made the decision to cbt, and for the first time in ages I am a bit focused (I still procrastinate a fair bit) in planning it all and researching like crazy. Maybe its a form of therapy on its own, I know it was discussed in another thread recently.

But to answer your question, only you know when you have gone past the point of no return. Only you can determine if you want to give it another shot or keep going for your child. Its a decision that has significant repercussions either way. My hope and thoughts go out to you

 

[JimFord99]

You are right, Stan. It is very therapeutic doing all the research and preparation work...

 

[ProlongedSentence]

I am under enormous stress atm and my mind is questioning so much and the urgency for answers and knowledge is more than overwhelming.

I thought the recovery thread was a good idea even though i will proberly not be a member that will go down that route.

I am not being gloomy but realistic and honest with myself.
My future could unfold in a number of ways and all the decisions are out of my hands.
Do you think that there becomes a point of no return regardless to any good opportunities that come your way.
I cannot see a life without my son being returned to me no matter how hard i try.
Its like a concrete wall.
Some people do choose to give life other go despite a unforgiving past,what gives u that strength and hope to try again when you have been knocked down so many times?
I am living for my boy but it looks like he may not be returned at this point because they feel i am not ready.
In my world ,i am as good as i can really be and each and everyday takes what little strength and motivation i have.
I believe that suicide should be spoken about more to highlight the depths of despair that we endure every day.
I feel so helpless atm and realistically .my time is running out - maybe not for the first time but definatly the last.

I believe we should have an option out. Especially if you have had nothing but trauma for most of your life since birth and all counseling has failed to help you to develop the skills to survive in this cruel dark world. I want out. Now. Enough is enough. I am approaching 50 in 4 months and due to CPTSD I just can't cope. And fck all who tell me I just need therapy, God(faith) or meds. I have had enough and I want to finally rest in peace. Fck God for giving me this "life." Because it ain't no gift.

Sorry for your loss. I do not understand why your son was taken away. If he is still alive you should hang in there.

 

[Lara Francis]

I am in such a dark place right now.

 

[JimFord99]

You mean physically or mentally?

 

[wendydong1]

I am in such a dark place right now.

i am sorry for what you are going through. I am in a very dark place too, but my pain cannot compare to yours. weirdly, i got to work today, and got a email reminding us that this month is a suicide awareness month. And reminding us that the company provides 13 sessions of free therapy per year.

i laughed a little, are those therapist gonna bring the man i love, however wrong it is, back to me? i think sometimes therapy or recovery just hopeless. it's like a hole inside us that no amount of talking or keeping busy can fill...

there are things that we cannot control, but still puts a hole in our hearts. i am just tired. very tired

 

[Lara Francis]

I feel like the best actress in the world because beyond the curtain of pretense lays a broken life and indivdual who's life is in so many fragmented pieces ,it feels impossible to put back together again.

You mean physically or mentally?

Mentally

 

[wendydong1]

I feel like the best actress in the world because beyond the curtain of pretense lays a broken life and indivdual who's life is in so many fragmented pieces ,it feels impossible to put back together again.

Mentally

i know what you mean. I was just with friends this past weekend at the same time the guy was yelling at me and telling me that he doesn't want anything to do with me. But i still put on a happy face and played with my friends kids like nothing happened. All the while feeling that hole.. I think it just makes me even sadder when I am alone...

 

[Lara Francis]

Very tired too

 

[JimFord99]

Try and get some sleep. Even if it is only for an hour. Your mind needs a rest.

 

[Lara Francis]

I am not worrying about family reactions to my death because they are adults and should have the capacity to move on ,right!
I know my son is other story.

Try and get some sleep. Even if it is only for an hour. Your mind needs a rest.

I took diazapam but its not working
I hate everything this world represents.
I was given some homework from a dbt course in which i had to write down situations during the week in which i had used my so called "wise mind"!
When i find it ,my work can begin.

 

[JimFord99]

Forget your 'homework' for tonight. The PSYCHOS can wait, your mental well-being is more important right now. Try and relax a bit, even if you won't be able to sleep.

 

[Lara Francis]

What if i do not make that decision whilst i can because maybe what will follow would be a mental breakdown then i would lose capacity to make that choice.

 

[JimFord99]

I wish I could answer this for you, sorry, But I really can't, so sorry.

 

[Stan]

Forget your 'homework' for tonight. The PSYCHOS can wait, your mental well-being is more important right now. Try and relax a bit, even if you won't be able to sleep.

Completely agree with Jim. Go watch your favourite move, watch a box set, listen to music, read something else. Take your mind off this situation for a while if you can. I know its easier said then done but have a crack at it ❤

 

[SinisterKid]

You are over thinking it all Lara, which is totally understandable right now. Assumptions are running amok. You are treading water waiting for a outcome you feel you have no control over. Until that outcome is known, which right now its not, you have to find ways to keep going. The future of you and your son depends on being around long enough until you know for certain what the decision is. Its shit, its freakin hard work, its tiring and leaving you exhausted, but you have to fight with every ounce of resolve you have left. Just think for a second, dare to hope, that its a positive outcome, all this will seem irrelevant.

Its all ifs, buts and maybes right now and I know that is hugely frustrating.

Finding my method, acquiring what I needed, bought me a level of calmness I have not felt in like forever. I know if it all goes south, I can leave tomorrow. That is one part of my life that has certainty to it right now and it helps enormously when the doubts and assumptions try to raise their ugly heads.

 

[Lara Francis]

My mind is shutting down now
Thankyou for talking and helping me.
Goodnight friends xx

 

[JimFord99]

Night night, Lara.