Venting CTB thoughts getting strong!

[Rachel74]

I did 2 weeks of being okish and then this week I've been thinking more and more about it.
I can't start my new drug regime until the end of next week as I've still working even though I'm signed off. I've a broken big toe so can't walk far on crutches or drive and I'm really getting agitated. Still got my respite place but I don't want to go.
I made my partner take me out today as I needed to get out of the house. Can't sleep or relax or read. Tinnitus is at an all time high.
I don't want to CTB I desperately want to get better but I know it's not going to happen.
Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[SinisterKid]

Thats not a vent Rachel, thats a pleasant chat

Getting better is relative. Compared to today, anything will be a improvement, but after that, it will probably mean things get worse.

Where is respite likely to be?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Oh Rachel you've been doing so well. If you keep going hopefully you will get out of this slump. Why do you not want to go to the crisis place?

 

[Jean4]

I did 2 weeks of being okish and then this week I've been thinking more and more about it.
I can't start my new drug regime until the end of next week as I've still working even though I'm signed off. I've a broken big toe so can't walk far on crutches or drive and I'm really getting agitated. Still got my respite place but I don't want to go.
I made my partner take me out today as I needed to get out of the house. Can't sleep or relax or read. Tinnitus is at an all time high.
I don't want to CTB I desperately want to get better but I know it's not going to happen.
Thanks for letting me vent.

How are you feeling?

 

[Nem]

I hear you, sorry to hear that things have been shitty. I have tinnitus as well and need to definitely end things before too long...hope things improve for you
Peace/hugs

 

[Rachel74]

I hear you, sorry to hear that things have been shitty. I have tinnitus as well and need to definitely end things before too long...hope things improve for you❤
Peace/hugs

Hugs Do you take anything for Tinnitus?

 

[Nem]

Hugs ❤ Do you take anything for Tinnitus?

No I don't take anything for it, is there things that help?

 

[BPD_LE]

Huggles @Rachel74 xx

 

[Haku]

I'm sorry @Rachel74 that you are going through this, I really hope that your life turns around for the better, so that you feel like you can keep on living, but if you feel like you need to turn to ctb, I can understand. I really hope that you can obtain the peace that you you want in whatever path you decide to take. Much love to you. ❤

 

[JTG1972]

I know the feeling. I finally got everything I need and got my note just right. I could go at any time and knowing that makes me want to just go, not wait. I hope things look up for you soon.

 

[trynacbt]

I have to wait until I can attempt but the thoughts are getting so strong. I'm hoping all this waiting just makes the actual moment go faster.

 

[morningdew]

Tinnitus is difficult. I just go day to day. There are things that help. Mine is from loud noise exposure which resulted in severe hearing loss. I've found the best way to mask it so sleep is possible is the "cricket" sound tracks. I believe the frequency somewhat matches the range of my hearing loss so it blends in with the tinnitus. I also use "white rain" sounds around the 4k frequency. All tinnitus seems to be different but I can only speak on what has helped me. check out mynoise.net for the white rain and there are also various cricket track.

 

[Hadenuf]

I did 2 weeks of being okish and then this week I've been thinking more and more about it.
I can't start my new drug regime until the end of next week as I've still working even though I'm signed off. I've a broken big toe so can't walk far on crutches or drive and I'm really getting agitated. Still got my respite place but I don't want to go.
I made my partner take me out today as I needed to get out of the house. Can't sleep or relax or read. Tinnitus is at an all time high.
I don't want to CTB I desperately want to get better but I know it's not going to happen.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Same for me I think I will soon leave my family and punish myself by ctb

 

[Rachel74]

My problem is I've been in a constant depressive episode since Oct 18, so a year of not a single manic episode. My lifeline through the 12 months as been sleeping tablets, the more I sleep the better but I got but my memory was getting worse. This as seriously affected my performance at work that I had to tell my boss the truth. He's been sympathetic and put me on less hours but I was constantly playing catch up at work and this was worse. Then I broke my toe end of September and walked on it for weeks before knowing it was broken to then needing it to be rebroken and put in a cast on crutches. I just feel I'm merely hanging on by my fingertips and the next crisis will be it for me.

Tinnitus is difficult. I just go day to day. There are things that help. Mine is from loud noise exposure which resulted in severe hearing loss. I've found the best way to mask it so sleep is possible is the "cricket" sound tracks. I believe the frequency somewhat matches the range of my hearing loss so it blends in with the tinnitus. I also use "white rain" sounds around the 4k frequency. All tinnitus seems to be different but I can only speak on what has helped me. check out mynoise.net for the white rain and there are also various cricket track.

Rain does help me and waterfalls. Will try crickets chirping. Sadly my ear gets familiar with a sound then then the T becomes crazy again. T is only crazy when I'm stressed. Horrible Vicious circle.

Not only my CBT thoughts are intense, I feel like actually punching and banging walls here. What the hell am I going to do if I'm not gone by 2020? I may end up actually institutionalized since I'm going certifiably crazy and manic and desperate. I can't hang myself, I can't procure drugs, I have nowhere to go.

How do I calm down? I can't even breathe.

Im trying everything to stay calm I think I just need to go outside and scream and cry!