peacecomingsoon
Member
- Dec 28, 2025
- 36
hey everyone. my ctb plan is now within 48 hours time... the 4th of january where I am and it is now 12am 3rd january. I plan to use SN (>99% purity) and have posted my protocol previously if you're interested to read through it.
I will admit that it's starting to feel a little nerve wracking, like some slivers of doubt and hesitation forming, but at the same time feeling more calm and flat than ever. I plan to do it in a hotel in another city (3 hours by public transport away). It seems now is the point of no return too, where the 48 hour cancellation policy of my chosen hotel has now expired and I would lose my money if I cancelled things now. I don't have anymore funds to spend on another hotel booking. So, I guess this is it, no backing out and my time is coming up very soon... This really seems like my last shot now and I can't mess it up as police will be looking for me too, once I'm very likely reported missing by family. I mess this up and it is basically a certainty I'll get sent back to a ward and forcibly medicated. That cannot happen and would force me to ctb even more...
I feel so tired. So, so tired now and feel that the next 48 hours are coming too soon/too little time but at the same time couldn't come sooner. I feel desperate for things to end but also wanting to go on just a little longer for family. I know I can't though as I've been through this before and have even waited an entire month after acquiring my SN to finally have decided on my plan. I've waited too long and a therapy session or hospital would change nothing. I realise this now and just would like some support or comfort while I wait over my last day (3rd) for my plan to come into action on the 4th.
I've appreciated this community for the time I've been a lurker and also the short time I've been a member and interacted with some of you. I'll make another post on the 4th once my ctb plan comes into proper action and I'm either at the hotel or on the way there, along with updates before and after drinking the SN. Thank you to all on here at SaSu and for your non-judgemental support that is so hard to find :)
I will admit that it's starting to feel a little nerve wracking, like some slivers of doubt and hesitation forming, but at the same time feeling more calm and flat than ever. I plan to do it in a hotel in another city (3 hours by public transport away). It seems now is the point of no return too, where the 48 hour cancellation policy of my chosen hotel has now expired and I would lose my money if I cancelled things now. I don't have anymore funds to spend on another hotel booking. So, I guess this is it, no backing out and my time is coming up very soon... This really seems like my last shot now and I can't mess it up as police will be looking for me too, once I'm very likely reported missing by family. I mess this up and it is basically a certainty I'll get sent back to a ward and forcibly medicated. That cannot happen and would force me to ctb even more...
I feel so tired. So, so tired now and feel that the next 48 hours are coming too soon/too little time but at the same time couldn't come sooner. I feel desperate for things to end but also wanting to go on just a little longer for family. I know I can't though as I've been through this before and have even waited an entire month after acquiring my SN to finally have decided on my plan. I've waited too long and a therapy session or hospital would change nothing. I realise this now and just would like some support or comfort while I wait over my last day (3rd) for my plan to come into action on the 4th.
I've appreciated this community for the time I've been a lurker and also the short time I've been a member and interacted with some of you. I'll make another post on the 4th once my ctb plan comes into proper action and I'm either at the hotel or on the way there, along with updates before and after drinking the SN. Thank you to all on here at SaSu and for your non-judgemental support that is so hard to find :)
