I know for sure that this life has nothing more to offer me yet I keep procrastinating about ending it. Do you do this aswell?
GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
Yeah, I was in the forest for two or three hours today. I hang around the same spot to sort of ground myself without technology or people around (this barely does anything, btw, so if you don't have time for this just don't do it). I haven't found a tree fitting for full suspension (found a good one for partial, it can take my entire bodyweight). I looked out and saw a vast forest and I could go out and try to look for a good tree, but I haven't yet. I'd also have to bring a ladder or something into the woods at the time of my ctb attempt, lol, this entire thing is a giant pain in the ass.
sparkie
Student
- Mar 14, 2021
- 175
A lot it's one thing researching but it's a big step to carry it out- at present I'm getting rid of all my clutter selling loads of stuff to have a clearer head I've a couple of major things I have to do hope this isn't just putting it off but I want to clear the decks before I go
Trisolaris
Arcanist
- Dec 11, 2018
- 447
fred farkle
Specialist
- Dec 17, 2020
- 346
Yes, I've been procrastinating my ctb since I was 12. Although I tried to kill myself last year and almost succeeded !
gimme_my_happy_nap
Fresky
- Mar 13, 2021
- 19
Yes. It's been almost 6 years. A lot of it is fear of failing, which will put me in a worse state than I am in now, and would make further attempts much more difficult.
Yeah, it's hard to take the final step, even though rationally it is the best choice.
Yeah, it's hard to take the final step, even though rationally it is the best choice.
gimme_my_happy_nap
Fresky
- Mar 13, 2021
- 19
It's.. not that bad. Normal life, 9-6 job, nobody around me knows that I'm suicidal. Sorry, idk. I'm kind of a joke who just thinks myself into corners.
Sslsh
Experienced
- Jan 29, 2020
- 293
Deathbydemo
Mage
- Feb 15, 2020
- 518
For sure. Getting everything organised, writing letters, wondering if you need to delete stuff from your phone, just generally feeling unable to function are all factors in my procrastination.
For sure. I have attempted 3 times and self harm. But I keep putting it of hoping it gets better some days are amazing but the bad days just increase.
Same. Getting it all ready is such a major pain in the ass. Then I always have that fear of what happens if I sell all my stuff, write and schedule all the letters to send through email, and clear everything from my computer and phone...then survive. It'd be quite embarrassing and now all my friends and family would know I'm suicidal because I broadcasted it to the world
xBrialesana
Become Dust With Me, My Love.
- Dec 17, 2019
- 552
Literally this. I was supposed to last March, the day LA shut down. It was so crazy and I've been riding the ride watching the world burn the last year. I'm over it. It was a nice excuse to procrastinate. But yeah for me its the WORK. going through everything and having access to certain things, covid stuff actually stopped me from getting to some stuff i need to go through. I have too much anxiety for people to go through my high school notebooks (i'm nearly 27 lol) or old phones and shit. I've actually been super stressed about gathering certain files and two days ago my phone completely crashed and wasn't backed up.(4 years) I took this as a sign to say fuuuuuuck it and trash everything else. like who gives a fuck if we dead. None of this made sense but i'm on day 11 insomnia no sleep so maybe i will reword this at a later date lol.
just to add on, when i leave, EVERYTHING will be gone. all accounts on any platforms. all money and personal things. so i can't fail lol its stressful.
Same! It's so much pressure when you think of it like that rather than leaving everything up and attempting on a whim lol. That's why I can't afford to fail. If I'm hospitalized I won't be able to go to school for a certain amount of time, so now I might not be able to graduate (if they put me in a mental hospital for God knows how long). If I wait until after I've graduated to attempt and then fail I'm pretty much fucked because I won't be able to look for jobs and or work depending on how badly I injure/disable myself. I think many of us can't afford to fail the first time and I think that's why there's so much pressure to chooose the right method. Reading survival stories for my method doesn't help either. I've been thinking whether or not to just clear it all and send no suicide note but I always debate whether or not I want the people around me to hear my story and reasons for ctb'ing from my mouth and not from the police or news once I'm gone
melissa286
Member
- Mar 22, 2021
- 26
Yeah, I've been doing that for a while. I've tried to enjoy the time I have left as much as possible, however little that might be. When what life I have left becomes completely intolerable I'll know it's the right time. I think it will probably be this summer. I thought I would feel better as I knew it was getting closer, but it's actually getting kind of stressful.
Why do you want to attempt to ctb if you also want to graduate and work
It's just a shitty situation I'm in tbh. I don't have plans to do either but I have to take into account what happens IF I survive and am forced to prolong ctbing. If I survive and I don't have access to methods for a prolonged period of time then I'd be forced to go back to living life. I'm just worried about my future IF I survive and I'm severely injured/disabled and or placed in an institution. If I don't survive then it won't matter, I was just trying to reiterate that I can't afford to fail because I'd be in a worse situation than what I currently am in
