Discussion Ctb - Permanent problems.. reasons?

[anonymous23x]

Hi,

There have been many who have been able to turn things around in life... However, I believe that ctb is a last resort, after all other options have been exhausted and/or when things become permanent (a point of no possible return).

Personally, for me things are about to become permanent. Like many who are in the same boat, no one will have a clue how hard I really worked to try and escape from all of the severe depression. When you're severely depressed, everything seems to be so much more effort, its draining because you're already drained with barely any motivation to live... why work right? Somehow i made it through all of that (with the mentality of proving points to myself), only to be smacked in the face by reality.

"How to study for over 3/4 of every day for three years to become a waste of space" - I should write a book at this point, It will give evil people the chuckles. I'm a complete and utter failure. That's the truth. I have one last "what if" to cross off my list then i'm going to ctb on the same day.

I was wondering if others on here have the same mindset or something similar... Did something make things permanent? Did you exhaust all options before deciding to go on a path of ctb or did things get to a point where you was unable to function/work and gave up? Or is there another reason?

I would definitely say I exhausted all options, however, I'm not proud of that. For me it was wasted effort, nothing paid off, I may as well have done nothing and gave up 3-5 years ago or sooner.

 

[Redt2go]

On the second paragraph. I fully relate. I didn't realize that I was severely depressed and that's been what has caused me so much pain and struggle in my life. Now that I know I'm depressed and have lost my support system, I know my life will be shit. Even if I wasn't depressed. But wlsa my life wouldn't be so shit if I wasn't depressed. So it all really seems inevitable. I'm hoping for happiness in my next life time.

I haven't tried antidepressants because it will cut off career options for me should I ever come to

 

[anonymous23x]

On the second paragraph. I fully relate. I didn't realize that I was severely depressed and that's been what has caused me so much pain and struggle in my life. Now that I know I'm depressed and have lost my support system, I know my life will be shit. Even if I wasn't depressed. But wlsa my life wouldn't be so shit if I wasn't depressed. So it all really seems inevitable. I'm hoping for happiness in my next life time.

I haven't tried antidepressants because it will cut off career options for me should I ever come to

AD only cuts off career paths in one area i think? I was looking into that area myself, apparently it cuts off your career for three years but even then it doesn't look good when you go for a medical later on i suppose?

Funnily enough... I confessed this on my "background snooping application" (i have to be vague) because i had to as i have previously been prescribed AD by asking for it myself, i don't think i had any diagnosis i was just tried on AD but never really left it long enough and took myself off of it... I'm not sure if they'll use that against me in the career path that i'm pursuing (my final "what if") but i'm sure it doesn't look good either...

Weird how by seeking help we can be disqualified from a job or even lose it...

 

[J.E. Morrow]

I get your point, I feel almost the same, of course depression make things even worse.

I don't think I've already exhausted all my options, same as you I'm giving it one last chance and that woud be all for me, I'm really tired of this.

 

[anonymous23x]

I get your point, I feel almost the same, of course depression make things even worse.

I don't think I've already exhausted all my options, same as you I'm giving it one last chance and that woud be all for me, I'm really tired of this.

I hope that one last chance goes well for you.

I don't think i achieved anything by exhausting all options, however it does eliminate all "what if" questions. Not sure if that was worth it...

 

[Fgogrl]

Why would taking antidepressants affect your career options?

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I think it's all just a state of mind. One that nothing at all will ever be enough to fix.

I used to have permanent problems, fixed them, then more just overtook them. Every time, the thought process turned back to suicide. At the very least, I will live out the rest of my life thinking everyday about ending it. Whether I will or not, who knows? But the idea will never leave no matter what.

 

[ReadyasEver]

My options were given to me by fate, diagnosis of a terminal disease. If anyone has not truly explored or exhausted every option, I recommend you do so. Try to leave no unanswered questions as hard as that may be to do. Be brutally honest with yourself, let your guard down internally, only then can you answer and explore the options in front of you.

 

[anonymous23x]

My options were given to me by fate, diagnosis of a terminal disease. If anyone has not truly explored or exhausted every option, I recommend you do so. Try to leave no answered questions as hard as that may be to do. Be brutally honest with yourself, let your guard down internally, only then can you answer and explore the options in front of you.

I'm sorry to hear that :(

I believe that our fate in one way or another is set in stone, I fully agree with leaving no unanswered questions... I would say that's all that has been driving me so far

 

[ReadyasEver]

I'm sorry to hear that :(

I believe that our fate in one way or another is set in stone, I fully agree with leaving no unanswered questions... I would say that's all that has been driving me so far

When you've exhausted every possibility, an answer I believe becomes very clear. I can continue or I can't.

 

[anonymous23x]

Why would taking antidepressants affect your career options?

Usually it doesn't... However sometimes there are specific areas that have certain requirements and do certain checks well beyond a regular criminal background check...

I have to be vague in describing things about myself because i can't afford it to trace back to me... my dream job which i have received an offer from does quite a bit of snooping around my background... I can't imagine it to be too negatively affected by taking AD which was prescribed, but the stuff i was accused will (most likely)

However, there are areas (non-civilian) which have specific requirements about depression... the sad thing is... the people in that area are known to fall far into depression and develop PTSD etc, most people are scared to seek out help because they will be kicked off for doing so. Such bullshit tbh

 

[anonymous23x]

I think it's all just a state of mind. One that nothing at all will ever be enough to fix.

I used to have permanent problems, fixed them, then more just overtook them. Every time, the thought process turned back to suicide. At the very least, I will live out the rest of my life thinking everyday about ending it. Whether I will or not, who knows? But the idea will never leave no matter what.

Was there something that pushed you off the edge to make you initially think about ctb? For me the state of mind began quite recently, before i used to hate myself, sure, but i never thought about ctb until i destroyed myself over my studies just to be smacked back down to reality... I honestly couldn't think of anyone who put in longer hours of studying than i did, i was finally pushed off the edge when my gf was doing stuff behind my back because i was studying too much apparently

 

[bigj75]

Natural selection is on my ass. My body is giving out on me. Mentally depressed beyond comprehension. Its over!

 

[anonymous23x]

Natural selection is on my ass. My body is giving out on me. Mentally depressed beyond comprehension. Its over!

Exact same thoughts here my friend

 

[bigj75]

Exact same thoughts here my friend

If only there was an easier way to ctb.

 

[anonymous23x]

If only there was an easier way to ctb.

The last bit of logic in my head tells me that the more i suffer in this life, the opposite will happen in the next, debating if its worth ctb in the most painful way possible... (I'm not there yet) but i'll give it a week or two for things to go wrong, or maybe they'll hold out the full 10 or so weeks, maybe more, just to let me suffer

 

[IRIYAMA]

Hi,

I was wondering if others on here have the same mindset or something similar... Did something make things permanent? Did you exhaust all options before deciding to go on a path of ctb or did things get to a point where you was unable to function/work and gave up? Or is there another reason?

I would definitely say I exhausted all options, however, I'm not proud of that. For me it was wasted effort, nothing paid off, I may as well have done nothing and gave up 3-5 years ago or sooner.

I'm more leaning towards the above quoted part of you original post
What changed from a life altering illness (typically non fatal) to having the permanent mindset of giving up and wanting to ctb was between early '13 and early '14 was I saw countless GPs, specialists and professors coupled with stays in the pain unit of hospital and spent nearly 15K on trying to narrow down a diagnosis. All options were covered only to be told that there is absolutely no way it can be treated and only managed by being on so many tablets a day that the side effects are nearly as bad as the initial condition..
After the first year it was full on depression with being fed incorrect medications and inconsistent psych care. At this point it was only a matter of time I'd work out how to ctb, especially after a few failed attempts only to work out how to buy N.
Had to give up work a few years ago due to it being too much emotionally and physically, only re-entered the workforce recently and still no closer to a normal life. Looking back wish I hadn't failed and this life under scrutiny by family is too much..

 

[bigj75]

The last bit of logic in my head tells me that the more i suffer in this life, the opposite will happen in the next, debating if its worth ctb in the most painful way possible... (I'm not there yet) but i'll give it a week or two for things to go wrong, or maybe they'll hold out the full 10 or so weeks, maybe more, just to let me suffer

I dont believe in reincarnation but if it's real then it's kinda comforting thinking maybe my next life won't be so bad if im suffering this much in my current life.

 

[?SYNTAX ERROR]

Hi,

There have been many who have been able to turn things around in life... However, I believe that ctb is a last resort, after all other options have been exhausted and/or when things become permanent (a point of no possible return).

Personally, for me things are about to become permanent. Like many who are in the same boat, no one will have a clue how hard I really worked to try and escape from all of the severe depression. When you're severely depressed, everything seems to be so much more effort, its draining because you're already drained with barely any motivation to live... why work right? Somehow i made it through all of that (with the mentality of proving points to myself), only to be smacked in the face by reality.

"How to study for over 3/4 of every day for three years to become a waste of space" - I should write a book at this point, It will give evil people the chuckles. I'm a complete and utter failure. That's the truth. I have one last "what if" to cross off my list then i'm going to ctb on the same day.

I was wondering if others on here have the same mindset or something similar... Did something make things permanent? Did you exhaust all options before deciding to go on a path of ctb or did things get to a point where you was unable to function/work and gave up? Or is there another reason?

I would definitely say I exhausted all options, however, I'm not proud of that. For me it was wasted effort, nothing paid off, I may as well have done nothing and gave up 3-5 years ago or sooner.

I am disfigured from skin disease. So it's permanent for me.

 

[guildford91rs]

I made a stupid decision in trusting someone I knew I shouldn't 8 months ago, and the consequences of that have finally caught up to me and I'll end up losing my job and hurting everyone I care about. I'm not going into details as hopefully by ctbing none of it will come out and protect those I care about from further suffering

 

[anonymous23x]

I'm more leaning towards the above quoted part of you original post
What changed from a life altering illness (typically non fatal) to having the permanent mindset of giving up and wanting to ctb was between early '13 and early '14 was I saw countless GPs, specialists and professors coupled with stays in the pain unit of hospital and spent nearly 15K on trying to narrow down a diagnosis. All options were covered only to be told that there is absolutely no way it can be treated and only managed by being on so many tablets a day that the side effects are nearly as bad as the initial condition..
After the first year it was full on depression with being fed incorrect medications and inconsistent psych care. At this point it was only a matter of time I'd work out how to ctb, especially after a few failed attempts only to work out how to buy N.
Had to give up work a few years ago due to it being too much emotionally and physically, only re-entered the workforce recently and still no closer to a normal life. Looking back wish I hadn't failed and this life under scrutiny by family is too much..

I'm sorry you're going through this :( I hope you find peace one way or another... Life really isn't fair at all

 

[anonymous23x]

I made a stupid decision in trusting someone I knew I shouldn't 8 months ago, and the consequences of that have finally caught up to me and I'll end up losing my job and hurting everyone I care about. I'm not going into details as hopefully by ctbing none of it will come out and protect those I care about from further suffering

Everything went wrong for me when i trusted someone, he called the police and reported me for possible ctb... The police accused me of a whole bunch of shit which has permanently ruined me (potentially).. Much like you i'm also going to lose my job before being able to properly start it (long story)

Just wondering, does the end of your name, 'rs' stand for runescape?

 

[anonymous23x]

I dont believe in reincarnation but if it's real then it's kinda comforting thinking maybe my next life won't be so bad if im suffering this much in my current life.

I don't believe in anything really... I just struggle to put all of the pieces together.

How are we so unlucky? Why do we feel like this?

Its not delusion.. many of us have very legitimate reasons for wanting to ctb...

So in my head i try to make sense of how some people are so damn lucky... The idea is, if you have nothing you work hard and eventually you'll get there too, that's definitely not the case. I believe our fate is set in stone from birth, I have proven to myself that i'm unable to change that, regardless of achieving what should have been impossible many times now... So then it makes me think, the people who are lucky might have suffered in their previous life or something, i really don't know how to make sense of things anymore, its all just a load of bullshit

 

[ReadyasEver]

I don't believe in anything really... I just struggle to put all of the pieces together.

How are we so unlucky? Why do we feel like this?

Its not delusion.. many of us have very legitimate reasons for wanting to ctb...

So in my head i try to make sense of how some people are so damn lucky... The idea is, if you have nothing you work hard and eventually you'll get there too, that's definitely not the case. I believe our fate is set in stone from birth, I have proven to myself that i'm unable to change that, regardless of achieving what should have been impossible many times now... So then it makes me think, the people who are lucky might have suffered in their previous life or something, i really don't know how to make sense of things anymore, its all just a load of bullshit

I understand my friend. Over 7 billion of us on this planet, and every year it seems to get even more disorientating. I simply came to the realization with numbers we are dealing with here, go back to the rules of probability. Life is one dice roll after another at the craps table. Why do people get cancer? Why did you trust someone? Why does a newlywed couple get killed in a car crash? Can you help your percentages in this game? Sure you can, but you can't prepare for every outcome can you? Could you pick your parents or the school they sent you to? Could you help you were born in this town or country? The randomness of these outcomes have a great effect on us. They do not determine everything about us, we have the ability to change and manipulate many of these outcomes. But not all of them.

 

[bigj75]

I understand my friend. Over 7 billion of us on this planet, and every year it seems to get even more disorientating. I simply came to the realization with numbers we are dealing with here, go back to the rules of probability. Life is one dice roll after another at the craps table. Why do people get cancer? Why did you trust someone? Why does a newlywed couple get killed in a car crash? Can you help your percentages in this game? Sure you can, but you can't prepare for every outcome can you? Could you pick your parents or the school they sent you to? Could you help you were born in this town or country? The randomness of these outcomes have a great effect on us. They do not determine everything about us, we have the ability to change and manipulate many of these outcomes. But not all of them.

One thing i will say is I believe there is a proper way of living that increases your % of survival ( doesn't guarantee survival). It's just that only certain people at the top know that and dumb down the rest of the world so it's more money and less competition for them. That's why there is so much corruption and the schools teach us shit that we don't even use in life. It's too keep us weak and stupid just like slave masters did to slaves.

"The most feared thing in the world to a slave master is as slave who can read"

 

[guildford91rs]

Just wondering, does the end of your name, 'rs' stand for runescape?

Nah it's my initials backwards

 

[anonymous23x]

One thing i will say is I believe there is a proper way of living that increases your % of survival ( doesn't guarantee survival). It's just that only certain people at the top know that and dumb down the rest of the world so it's more money and less competition for them. That's why there is so much corruption and the schools teach us shit that we don't even use in life. It's too keep us weak and stupid just like slave masters did to slaves.

"The most feared thing in the world to a slave master is as slave who can read"

Going by that, i wouldn't know how i managed to fail school completely and then manage to skip years worth of education to obtain my university entry requirements and then at the same time as everyone else my age who went to uni, i made it into one of the top unis in the world, then gained a 4.0 GPA (the best obtainable final grade), then watched as my life crumbled to dust and others are now earning between £25k - £100k as graduates!

I can't go into more detail, that is vague but its the truth. I literally have achieved the impossible, especially while having no hope other than proving my own points to myself that i'm nothing but a failed waste of space. Everyone who graduated on the same day as me, is doing well in life, really really well and the few who have £100k jobs (in their early 20s!) are at the very top...

This world disgusts me... I have proven that no matter how hard some people work... its only about what family you was born into and what luck you was born with. We don't make our own luck, "natural selection" has a meaning for a reason.

 

[bigj75]

Going by that, i wouldn't know how i managed to fail school completely and then manage to skip years worth of education to obtain my university entry requirements and then at the same time as everyone else my age who went to uni, i made it into one of the top unis in the world, then gained a 4.0 GPA (the best obtainable final grade), then watched as my life crumbled to dust and others are now earning between £25k - £100k as graduates!

I can't go into more detail, that is vague but its the truth. I literally have achieved the impossible, especially while having no hope other than proving my own points to myself that i'm nothing but a failed waste of space. Everyone who graduated on the same day as me, is doing well in life, really really well and the few who have £100k jobs (in their early 20s!) are at the very top...

This world disgusts me... I have proven that no matter how hard some people work... its only about what family you was born into and what luck you was born with. We don't make our own luck, "natural selection" has a meaning for a reason.

Personally i think despite all that you can manipulate some of your luck if you have proper knowledge and a bunch of prerequisites.

For example

• if you have good health mentally and physically
• Have siblings
• Have good parents
• Aren't poor

If you have all those things you can create alot of good in your own life. But of course like you know all that stuff even if you have it can be taken away at the blink of an eye without any cause of your own. Crazy world we live in.

 

[anonymous23x]

Personally i think despite all that you can manipulate some of your luck if you have proper knowledge and a bunch of prerequisites.

For example

• if you have good health mentally and physically
• Have siblings
• Have good parents
• Aren't poor

If you have all those things you can create alot of good in your own life. But of course like you know all that stuff even if you have it can be taken away at the blink of an eye without any cause of your own. Crazy world we live in.

Mentally i'm finished... I don't know anyone who could do what i've done with the mental state that i was in. I shouldn't have done so either, i would've ruined myself much slower if i had just given up, stupid of me to think things could change and i could somehow fight fate.

I have no siblings.

My dad is a toxic psychotic animal who almost killed my mum many times, i grew up watching blood splatter all over the place from my mum's face, and my own face. Lucky right? I was so young when my dad tried to butcher me with a kitchen knife.

I have known nothing other than complete and utter poverty. I still can't even make £ even with what i have achieved, i am about to lose out on my dream job because of injustice bullshit. I need to ctb asap I don't think this bullshit is even worth waiting for to only hear things didn't go well