Venting ctb out of spite

[nintendo64]

There's a hundred reasons I want to die, and honestly one of them is kinda out of spite.

I've had severe mental problems my whole life, no one has ever taken me seriously. When I was 12, I started cutting myself. No one cared because it wasn't deep enough. I went to a few different therapists too shortly after, I told one of them I desperately want to kill myself and think about suicide every day. She brushed me off and just changed the subject.

I started antidepressants when I was 13, and my grandma made me quit cold turkey because she "doesn't believe in that stuff." Sometimes I hate my family because they don't support meds or therapy at all. I told my mom I need to try antidepressants again recently, she told me not to and to just take VITAMINS instead. Fucking vitamins are you kidding me??? It just makes me laugh how nobody realizes it's not just a simple problem I'm going to get over. I am going to be dead soon.

I wore a T shirt to my doctors appointment yesterday, not bothering to hide my freshly self mutilated arm. I know at this point that nobody obviously gives half a shit. He asked me if I'm depressed. I said very. He said it's just temporary and it will all pass and to just cheer up. Ha. How am I supposed to believe that when I've been suicidal for well over a decade? At least I got a psychiatrist appointment from it I guess, I wanted to try antidepressants one last time before I go, so no one can say I didn't try everything.

I'm so fucking tired of reaching out for help just to be shrugged off and treated like I'm nothing but a mild case. Maybe my death will help people to realize mental issues really are serious. Some of us can't just take a vitamin and "deal with it".

 

[Siamese Believe]

Me too, this is one of my reasons. Funnily enough, people have more empathy for the dead than they do the living. Whole mindset change once someone finally decides to end it. I want them to keep those tears in their face, where was the care when we were alive.

 

[braintorture]

No one will help you. I'm sorry.

I'm catching the bus for the same reason - tried fighting the whole year and just this afternoon went to my psychiatrist and they couldn't do anything.

Good luck. See you in heaven..

 

[mimimisaki]

Unfortunately I understand this feeling all too well.
At 12 got my first therapist appointment after begging my mom. Therapist had a single session with me and said it was just "teenager hormones" and that it would pass. At 14 had an attempt, and afterwards got sent to a psychiatrist, with which I had appointments for the following two years. Psych never took me seriously, clearly thought my attempt had been some sort of cry for attention. At some point I just started telling her everything was fine, just to get the whole thing over with, and eventually it worked and she left me alone.
Just last year decided to seek out a better therapist, and finally managed to get one. She's rly sweet and has been the first professional I feel is truly on my side. She recommended I go to a psychiatrist to try out antidepressants (in my country therapists can't prescribe meds, only psychs). Ended up with an old man who, once again, could not take me seriously at all. Practically had to beg him to try out medications (even after showing him the report made by my therapist, where she explicitely said I was at high risk to CTB and that she heavily recommended trying meds).
Only after almost a whole year did I change to a new psych, who does seem better I think.

My parents also don't believe in any of these things. Had a huge fight with them just because they didn't want me to start medication (thought I was fine and that the therapist was "putting ideas in my head"). My dad was saying that everyone is sad sometimes, and that I just don't know how to deal with it because I don't know what real problemas are.

So yeah, totally get what you're talking about. Everyone is always so sad when ppl like us do CTB, saying it's such a tragedy and all, but while we're here no one thinks we actually need the help we ask for.

 

[Dawnfang11]

I feel this so deeply. I've struggled with mental health my whole life. Reaching out can be so fucking hard sometimes, and to be brushed off when you finally do stings. Recently, I was telling my parents about how I feel. They are very wealthy, super well off, one of them sees a therapist despite the fact she doesn't struggle with any particular condition, which I mean... good for her. They told me "you should really be in therapy, why aren't you?" I told them I can't afford it. And they offered me no help. If they'd rather save for another vacation, then cool. You do you. I'll just ctb and see them on the flip side.

 

[dangerstars]

this is the main reason i want to as well. i'm really sorry to hear your story and i hope everything gets better for you and you can find people who do care for you.

 

[BlockedintheUK]

To all here yeah it sucks people are shit they wait until its too late to be upset. If you have shitty family and friends maybe try to get the hell away from them first and see how things are before you decide to CTB.

I had a counsellor say she cant help me after recommending unproven natural suppliments and an irrelivent book called celestine prophecy waste of space money making nonsense

I was definately tempted to ctb out of spite but then thought its only gonna bother her for an hour or so before shes onto the next sucker with money to burn.