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hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 95
So I haven't fully settled on it but my mode will probably be the shallow drowning one. Just need to practice the hyperventilating till I pass out part.
I'm not going to go through with it right now though. I've given myself 2 years to try and live so Oct 2026 is when I'll decide if my fear of hell is stronger than my desire to die.
I need to talk to a priest and therapist about this first though. It will help me make up my mind about wether I want to give this effort to live thing a shot.
But my reasoning for finally picking a method happened this morning.
I was Feeling sick this mornint but not because I'm like physically ill just super tired.
My parents were being super loud and I couldn't sleep and they do it on purpose cause they don't care if I get woken up by them.
But also my sister went home after she got yelled at by my parents and they're were heated about it and complaining very loudly.
My mum is talking about making my sister bring back the car they gave her since she's "so independent" and they're like how dare she and such and that she doesn't have the right to leave when she's being yelled at.
Then she dropped off a package for my mum without coming inside and my mum got even more upset and I was trying to sleep so I couldn't here the rest but they were just wishing Ill on her and talking about how they won't help her again until she apologizes.
Like it makes me so sad cause I really do love them but they're showing their whole ass and making me realize they don't actually care about us. They just care about controlling us. Like especially with that car line. Like basically if we disagree with them they're gonna start wishing on our downfall and trying to sabotage us cause they have the power to do so. Financial abuse is so fun.
It makes it hard for me to want to keep going cause I really can't give up on wanting the unconditional love and aproval of my parents but they make me miserable and honestly I don't want to rely on them anymore but I hate the idea of struggling.
i know i sound like a whiny princess rn but i wasnt rich or anything just not poor so like average. Like I grew up well provided for so the idea of like living paycheck to paycheck struggling to make ends meet because I don't want to listen to my parents anymore doesn't seem worth it.
Like I'm just not interested in working hard for like a life. I'm not really sure why I need to like do all that. I have goals and desires and all that but they all seem worthless if I can't have my parents support. Just knowing that if I wanna chase my passions that I'll risk having no one to fall back on is super scary.
Like if I don't listen to my parents they'll just abandon me. I can't deal with that. It's all too scary.
Living a life and putting in effort to get a job and chase dreams that may never come true for years. Managing finances, managing my health, relationships, diets. It's all too much work.
I want to crawl into a cocoon and sleep forever. That's my dream life. If I could I'd probably just go into the woods in a small cabin and live there. I'm actually not scared of being killed by animals or natural disasters I don't do it cause I don't wanna be raped and killed by another human. Also I need wifi lol. I don't mind like the actual stuff needed to keep me alive like cooking, cleaning, farming etc it's really the finances part that throws me off. Like paying taxes till I die but none of those taxes actually help anyone. They just go to the military. Like if my taxes went to Healthcare and social shit then I'd go get a job and leave.
I'm not interested In anything my parents want me to do, get a job in a big company, go to work in a car then get married, get pregnant then birth children into this awful place. Like the idea of living like that makes me wanna jump off a rood.
But my ideal life will take a lot of work and honestly I'm a coward and I'm too scared to take the risk of going for it.
It's easier to just die and not have to choose between my parents and myself. It just doesn't make sense to me that I would go to hell for not wanting to pick one. Like God put me in this position why am I going to hell for taking myself out.
I'm not going to go through with it right now though. I've given myself 2 years to try and live so Oct 2026 is when I'll decide if my fear of hell is stronger than my desire to die.
I need to talk to a priest and therapist about this first though. It will help me make up my mind about wether I want to give this effort to live thing a shot.
But my reasoning for finally picking a method happened this morning.
I was Feeling sick this mornint but not because I'm like physically ill just super tired.
My parents were being super loud and I couldn't sleep and they do it on purpose cause they don't care if I get woken up by them.
But also my sister went home after she got yelled at by my parents and they're were heated about it and complaining very loudly.
My mum is talking about making my sister bring back the car they gave her since she's "so independent" and they're like how dare she and such and that she doesn't have the right to leave when she's being yelled at.
Then she dropped off a package for my mum without coming inside and my mum got even more upset and I was trying to sleep so I couldn't here the rest but they were just wishing Ill on her and talking about how they won't help her again until she apologizes.
Like it makes me so sad cause I really do love them but they're showing their whole ass and making me realize they don't actually care about us. They just care about controlling us. Like especially with that car line. Like basically if we disagree with them they're gonna start wishing on our downfall and trying to sabotage us cause they have the power to do so. Financial abuse is so fun.
It makes it hard for me to want to keep going cause I really can't give up on wanting the unconditional love and aproval of my parents but they make me miserable and honestly I don't want to rely on them anymore but I hate the idea of struggling.
i know i sound like a whiny princess rn but i wasnt rich or anything just not poor so like average. Like I grew up well provided for so the idea of like living paycheck to paycheck struggling to make ends meet because I don't want to listen to my parents anymore doesn't seem worth it.
Like I'm just not interested in working hard for like a life. I'm not really sure why I need to like do all that. I have goals and desires and all that but they all seem worthless if I can't have my parents support. Just knowing that if I wanna chase my passions that I'll risk having no one to fall back on is super scary.
Like if I don't listen to my parents they'll just abandon me. I can't deal with that. It's all too scary.
Living a life and putting in effort to get a job and chase dreams that may never come true for years. Managing finances, managing my health, relationships, diets. It's all too much work.
I want to crawl into a cocoon and sleep forever. That's my dream life. If I could I'd probably just go into the woods in a small cabin and live there. I'm actually not scared of being killed by animals or natural disasters I don't do it cause I don't wanna be raped and killed by another human. Also I need wifi lol. I don't mind like the actual stuff needed to keep me alive like cooking, cleaning, farming etc it's really the finances part that throws me off. Like paying taxes till I die but none of those taxes actually help anyone. They just go to the military. Like if my taxes went to Healthcare and social shit then I'd go get a job and leave.
I'm not interested In anything my parents want me to do, get a job in a big company, go to work in a car then get married, get pregnant then birth children into this awful place. Like the idea of living like that makes me wanna jump off a rood.
But my ideal life will take a lot of work and honestly I'm a coward and I'm too scared to take the risk of going for it.
It's easier to just die and not have to choose between my parents and myself. It just doesn't make sense to me that I would go to hell for not wanting to pick one. Like God put me in this position why am I going to hell for taking myself out.
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