seraph189
Member
- Jul 28, 2024
- 19
I'm not really one to post my own threads on forums, mostly I prefer to observe. So this is a first for me. I'm 33 years old and have spent around 11 years of those in prisons in England. I would like to point out that none of my offences are against woman or children before anyone starts speculating! The longest time I did was six years straight for blowing up ATM machines. My goal? Disappear. Kinda fell short of that too though. Nobody was hurt and yes it could have been different. I always wanted to just up and go, disappear somewhere in the world. Just reinvent myself so to speak. I've thought about CTB in prisons of course but those were just fleeting thoughts. Now thoughts of CTB are the only thing that actually gives me satisfaction enough to get through each day, like I sit and smile knowing it's a day that is coming. I'm not close with my family, I have many siblings but none of them have been there for me. I kinda only see my mum as my real family, the rest I don't speak to anymore. I've always gone out of my way to help people and often suffered consequences due to that alone. It's typical that nobody reciprocates the love and care I do towards them, I'm sure many here experience the same thing. I have no expectations of people anymore. I was in a seven year relationship with a narcissist that destroyed my mind, to the point I don't really have any love to give anymore. I was trauma bonded. I've never had any issues with attracting the opposite sex towards me, I've had so many meaningless encounters that I've lost count. I simply cannot feel anything, for anything. I go to the gym every day, it's probably the only thing other than thinking about CTB that makes any sense. I've replayed in my mind thousands of times, how I would do it and how great escaping earth would be. I would just want to climb up the top of a high building, in the middle of the night. Play some music, take the perfect SN method and just fall asleep whilst laying down looking up at the night sky. The only person I owe anything to is my mum, I just don't want to think of everything she would experience. She is dealing with her own dying mum, being a carer for her. Her life partner of 35 years, my step dad is now brain damaged due to the COVID vaccine. I'm planning to send her to the Arctic Circle for 13 days, an experience she dreams about. I feel like, if my mum wasn't here then I would have CTB already. It's probably the only thing preventing me, she doesn't deserve that. I'm just ranting because I do not have anywhere else to do so. 
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