Help ctb in 4 day feeling indecisive.

[FailureGirl]

So Iv got everything set to ctb this weekend but now that I'm on the last day that I can change my mind and cancel the motal room I find myself unsure. I always get like this at the last minute with things. But I know I want to ctb iv been planing this for 4 months and everything has come together just right so its the perfect chance that I may not get again.

I'm unsure, because I know if I don't go through with it i will regret it but I also don't want to back out at the last minute and waste all my money iv saved for this.

I guess id just like other people's thoughts.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

So Iv got everything set to ctb this weekend but now that I'm on the last day that I can change my mind and cancel the motal room I find myself unsure. I always get like this at the last minute with things. But I know I want to ctb iv been planing this for 4 months and everything has come together just right so its the perfect chance that I may not get again.

I'm unsure, because I know if I don't go through with it i will regret it but I also don't want to back out at the last minute and waste all my money iv saved for this.

I guess id just like other people's thoughts.

I've backed out several times, even after investing considerable money. Yes, I regret it. But only you have any right to decide when or if at all. Sorry you're hurting so much you're at this point. Hope you come to a resolution that you feel confident and good about.

 

[Darkover]

life can't be that bad to you right now if your unsure to do it or not i know if i had a sure method of a quick painless death i take it in a heartbeat.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

If you are certain that you want to CTB and are uncertain without any solid reasons, my best guess is that your SI is kicking in. It's a difficult thing for many of us to overcome unfortunately.

 

[summers]

@FailureGirl I would recommend canceling the hotel and getting your money back. You haven't lost anything at this point. If you are indecisive, scared, or unsure, you are more likely to make a mistake, and possibly hurt yourself, but live. That usually will put you in a (possibly much) worse situation than you are now.

Choosing to end one's life is the biggest decision anyone will ever make. If you are not 100%, then don't force or rush things.

Whatever you choose, I wish you all the best.

 

[Snake of Eden]

life can't be that bad to you right now if your unsure to do it or not i know if i had a sure method of a quick painless death i take it in a heartbeat.

Life can be really bad for people and they still cant do it.

 

[Darkover]

it's always come down to the lesser of two evils, whats going to hurt more continue to exist or ceasing to exist, i know if i had a peaceful way to die at hand i wouldn't be here at all, the only reason i'm here is because i don't have a gun or bomb or access to a peaceful way to die, people still want to live even when life is terrible and horrible to them that's why it's so hard that or not having a easy way out.

 

[Losteverythingtwice]

If there is any doubts. I'd personally say to postpone the ctb. It doesn't mean you're a failure and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

If you're not sure and indecisive the likely hood of failure is intensified. I wouldn't want you don't cause yourself more pain by a failure.
The time probably isn't now.
By the way. I fully want to kill myself. I just can't get over the last hurdle of SI. It's a terrible.

I read an academic book called the will to live by Arthur Schopenhauer. In his book his hypothesis is that the 'will to live' is in every single animal including humans as the highest priority.
It's probably something you might have to overcome like many brave people.

 

[FailureGirl]

I cancelled the booking but now I feel like that was a huge mistake

 

[SuicideRun]

I think it is normal to have doubts and fears. security and insecurities. Like you, I have the same feelings that consume me.

 

[Werewolf]

Maybe you can look it at as you're not ready just now but eventually you will be. I think of it everyday but always there is something holding me back. Maybe tomorrow I will be ready to commit to it maybe in 10 years, maybe something happens that pushes me over the edge who knows.
I'm thinking when the time is right I will know, it's just not yet.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I understand you very well, I go through this for three years now. Fear of death becomes the stronger the closer the date of the planned death comes. And afterwards regrets that I have not killed myself.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

It's very hard to do. Anyway I wish you peace no matter your decision

 

[FuneralCry]

Ctb is very difficult as we are programmed to survive after all. Many of us have had doubts and have postponed our plans. I believe in my case, it will eventually be a feeling deep down, that I know it is time to leave. The option to exit this world is always there no matter what. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Seiba]

I cancelled the booking but now I feel like that was a huge mistake

Any difference now? Sorry you planned something for four months only for it contribute to more suffering and feeling like it was a mistake.

 

[FailureGirl]

Well it may seem silly but I ended up rebooking the motel but just for 1 night (last night) and I was feeling pretty confident, I had the sn infront of me and then my si kicked in and I backed out and cut myself up abit instead.
I think I need to do it with less build up next time. I feel like I shouldn't still be here but I just wasn't quite ready but I'm sure I will be very soon.

 

[Seiba]

Well it may seem silly but I ended up rebooking the motel but just for 1 night (last night) and I was feeling pretty confident, I had the sn infront of me and then my si kicked in and I backed out and cut myself up abit instead.
I think I need to do it with less build up next time. I feel like I shouldn't still be here but I just wasn't quite ready but I'm sure I will be very soon.

Sorry for getting back to you lateish after asking that. You don't seem silly at all -- I understand your viewpoint. I think the reality of leaving is that consolation with your physical being on about it is likely rare. I do hope if you end up leaving it's what you truly desire and not done under tons of distress and mixed feelings.