CTB due to terminal illness

[GrowingPains]

Hello, just wondering if anyone is unfortunate enough to be brought here by a terminal illness. I have lived a relatively enjoyable life thus far. I am in a very unique and unfortunate situation. I have great friends and supportive family, but will be CTB to avoid suffering.

The worst part is nobody truly knows about my illness. I feel it will be best to make my exit without telling them and drawing attention to my circumstances in order to minimize any drawn out period of attention and grief. I also believe that letting my family know of my condition will make it harder to CTB because I will be surrounded by loved ones at all times, and they will possibly discover me or prevent me from leaving on my own terms. It's a very sad decision to make but I feel it best to distance myself from them and travel this road alone.

This is my first time posting. I'm not sure what kind of response I'm expecting but I appreciate the comfort and resources this site has given me.

 

[nitrogen]

Well, life itself is a terminal illness (inevitably results in death) - deadly sexually transmitted disease it is.

Edit: in rare cases, test tube transmitted disease.

 

[Living sucks]

I am here because I am dying. I do not want to go but I'm suffering too much and it could take a couple more years for my body to finally quit. Problem is I have way too strong SI so I failed a previous attempt which led to the dreaded and most unhelpful psych ward. So now I have to succeed if I try again or I will end up in a monitored home and forced to live. I feel no other options and I HATE it. Can i ask and do not need to answer if it's too personal but wouldn't you rather them know that you had substantial reason to ctb or will you leave that in a note? Also life insurance? I wish my body would just quit so the life insurance would pay out but I can't suffer much longer.

 

[GrowingPains]

I am here because I am dying. I do not want to go but I'm suffering too much and it could take a couple more years for my body to finally quit. Problem is I have way too strong SI so I failed a previous attempt which led to the dreaded and most unhelpful psych ward. So now I have to succeed if I try again or I will end up in a monitored home and forced to live. I feel no other options and I HATE it. Can i ask and do not need to answer if it's too personal but wouldn't you rather them know that you had substantial reason to ctb or will you leave that in a note? Also life insurance? I wish my body would just quit so the life insurance would pay out but I can't suffer much longer.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a similar boat. I also fear my SI will be hard to overcome. I have not yet chosen a method, but I very much fear the hell you experienced. I've been living with my illness for a few years now so I guess I plan to hang on until the pain pushes me over the edge, so to speak. But yes, I think I will leave my reason in a note to avoid any speculation. I know my friends and hope eventually family will understand my decision.

 

[Suez]

Hey there, Im so sorry that your here with a terminal illness. Firstly i dont have a terminal illness so i have no idea what it is like to be in your position. I hope that you do find that connection here. However, i recently lost my mum to terminal cancer. This was her third diagnosis. The first 25yrs ago was colon cancer which she got over. Then about 10yrs ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer in the bronchial arch for which she had chemo & radiotherapy. Incredibly she got over this too. Then about 4 yrs ago she got another lung cancer, in a different part of the lung than before, but because she had previously had chemo&radiation the Dr said that it was not poss to go down this route again as she would not be able to survive it. Two years into it my mum became too sick to be able to get out of bed anymore and at that stage and i dont know how the conversation came about, but we started talking about how mum did not want to suffer and wanted to be able to CTB before her condition got to a point that she was not able to. At first I was really shocked because this was the last thing I thought my mum would ever do. Id loved my mum so much and i said to her that I would help her. The conversations were a bit awkward to begin with but then became alot easier in time. I was researching the various kinds of medication that most people CTB with and the medications that Drs use in countries where assisted suicicde is legal. Fortunately i had access to pretty much any kind of medication so the next thing was to think about the dose required to CTB without the possibility of of surviving. I would talk to my mum each day about what i had found from the research i was doing, and we eventually agreed on a specific medication and dose and the way in which we would do this without me being arrested for assisting her. My mum was really worried about me being arrested for helping her, altho this was the last thing that bothered me. I did not care whether i went to jail as my mums wishes were more important to me. As it turned out that day never eventuated.Once everything was organised i left it up to her to let me know when she wanted to do this, but she never asked. She was lucid right up until the last week yet she never asked. My mum fortunately was never in any pain. She was on constant morphine but this was to assist her breathing. Im glad tho that i was with my mum in her illness every step of the way. It meant so much to me, I know it meant the world to her too. In her last 18mnths i moved into her home and stayed with her 24hrs/day. I cooked for her, bathed her, organised her medication &administered it to her. While those 18mnths were sad in many ways, they were also the most amazing 18mnths ive ever experienced. The closeness i had with my mum during that time, i actually cant put into words.So when i think of your situation I think of how someone in your life may get to miss out on really being there for you and the huge amount of love you feel in doing that for your loved one. I would most certainly have gone thru with assisting her death had she wanted me to as well. I know you dont wish to cause your loved ones pain or be a burden to them but its not like that for the loved ones around you, it most certainly is not a burden, it was a gift my mum allowed me to share with her. Does that make sense?

 

[GrowingPains]

Hey there, Im so sorry that your here with a terminal illness. Firstly i dont have a terminal illness so i have no idea what it is like to be in your position. I hope that you do find that connection here. However, i recently lost my mum to terminal cancer. This was her third diagnosis. The first 25yrs ago was colon cancer which she got over. Then about 10yrs ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer in the bronchial arch for which she had chemo & radiotherapy. Incredibly she got over this too. Then about 4 yrs ago she got another lung cancer, in a different part of the lung than before, but because she had previously had chemo&radiation the Dr said that it was not poss to go down this route again as she would not be able to survive it. Two years into it my mum became too sick to be able to get out of bed anymore and at that stage and i dont know how the conversation came about, but we started talking about how mum did not want to suffer and wanted to be able to CTB before her condition got to a point that she was not able to. At first I was really shocked because this was the last thing I thought my mum would ever do. Id loved my mum so much and i said to her that I would help her. The conversations were a bit awkward to begin with but then became alot easier in time. I was researching the various kinds of medication that most people CTB with and the medications that Drs use in countries where assisted suicicde is legal. Fortunately i had access to pretty much any kind of medication so the next thing was to think about the dose required to CTB without the possibility of of surviving. I would talk to my mum each day about what i had found from the research i was doing, and we eventually agreed on a specific medication and dose and the way in which we would do this without me being arrested for assisting her. My mum was really worried about me being arrested for helping her, altho this was the last thing that bothered me. I did not care whether i went to jail as my mums wishes were more important to me. As it turned out that day never eventuated.Once everything was organised i left it up to her to let me know when she wanted to do this, but she never asked. She was lucid right up until the last week yet she never asked. My mum fortunately was never in any pain. She was on constant morphine but this was to assist her breathing. Im glad tho that i was with my mum in her illness every step of the way. It meant so much to me, I know it meant the world to her too. In her last 18mnths i moved into her home and stayed with her 24hrs/day. I cooked for her, bathed her, organised her medication &administered it to her. While those 18mnths were sad in many ways, they were also the most amazing 18mnths ive ever experienced. The closeness i had with my mum during that time, i actually cant put into words.So when i think of your situation I think of how someone in your life may get to miss out on really being there for you and the huge amount of love you feel in doing that for your loved one. I would most certainly have gone thru with assisting her death had she wanted me to as well. I know you dont wish to cause your loved ones pain or be a burden to them but its not like that for the loved ones around you, it most certainly is not a burden, it was a gift my mum allowed me to share with her. Does that make sense?

Thank you for the touching response. This hits home for me because I've always felt a need to avoid being a burden onto my parents so the feeling is nothing new. It's kind of how I'm wired. I'm still not sure that would be a great route for me. I don't like to be the center of attention in that way. I also feel like it is different when it's your child, my grandmother had to tend to her daughter (my aunt) who was also terminal and she always describes seeing her in that condition as one of the worst experiences of her life. I almost wish I could have my cake and eat it too. I want to have intimate moments with them, but still be able to cleanly make my exit before things get too bad. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I see your point and I've yet to consider how valuable that time might be to them. The problem is, all of my parents have Christian values and I highly doubt they would support my CTB. I have one friend who I believe would support me, but my family would almost certainly be against it. At the end of the day, it's my top priority to have the freedom and means to end my life on my own terms.

 

[Suez]

I understand what your saying. I imagine that it would be very difficult then to get the support of your parents, as you say, its possibly different when its your child and that your parents are christian only compunds that i imagine. Do you have children? Sorry i dont know how old you are? I guess your parents dont necessarily need to know of your wishes to CTB but i know if i was in your position, just like my mum, that i would want to have the ability to CTB when i wanted to or when it got too hard. My mum was an incredibly independent person. She never asked help from anyone in her life which was part of why i was so surprised when she started talking about CTB. That and while she wasnt a practicing Catholic, we were al bought up in the church, but this changed when i was in my teens and we all found out what bullies our so called christain friends at church were when they found out my mum was divorced from my father. They literally turned their backs on all of us. Not a particularly christian thing to do in our minds and so we left the church, but my mum still beleived in god and so this was another reason why i was surprised at her decision. What about your friend, is she someone that may be able to help and support you in your decision to CTB? I dont know what the laws are like where you live? Are you from the US?

 

[GrowingPains]

I understand what your saying. I imagine that it would be very difficult then to get the support of your parents, as you say, its possibly different when its your child and that your parents are christian only compunds that i imagine. Do you have children? Sorry i dont know how old you are? I guess your parents dont necessarily need to know of your wishes to CTB but i know if i was in your position, just like my mum, that i would want to have the ability to CTB when i wanted to or when it got too hard. My mum was an incredibly independent person. She never asked help from anyone in her life which was part of why i was so surprised when she started talking about CTB. That and while she wasnt a practicing Catholic, we were al bought up in the church, but this changed when i was in my teens and we all found out what bullies our so called christain friends at church were when they found out my mum was divorced from my father. They literally turned their backs on all of us. Not a particularly christian thing to do in our minds and so we left the church, but my mum still beleived in god and so this was another reason why i was surprised at her decision. What about your friend, is she someone that may be able to help and support you in your decision to CTB? I dont know what the laws are like where you live? Are you from the US?

I'm 24 and I have no kids (US). My best friend is currently in medical school aspiring to be a doctor. I've asked him his thoughts on physician assisted suicide and he supports it. In fact, he thinks people should be able to CTB even if they're not terminal. We are very close, although I'm not sure how much help he would be other than giving advice on methods. I certainly wouldn't want him too involved for fearing of being arrested and derailing his career in medicine. Thanks again for the replies, I've been carrying this weight for a while and it's a relief to be able to speak about it freely and get it out

 

[Suez]

I was hoping that you may have been older and had children that like me would be able to help you. Your friend being a Dr, means yes they are definately out of the question as they would most certainly lose their medical licence if they were to assist you. What about legal CTB overseas, is this something that you could do? I cant remember exactly how much it costs, but from memory i think it was between 11K-15K. Can i ask what you suffer with? You absolutely dont have to say anything of course.

 

[GrowingPains]

I was hoping that you may have been older and had children that like me would be able to help you. Your friend being a Dr, means yes they are definately out of the question as they would most certainly lose their medical licence if they were to assist you. What about legal CTB overseas, is this something that you could do? I cant remember exactly how much it costs, but from memory i think it was between 11K-15K. Can i ask what you suffer with? You absolutely dont have to say anything of course.

I've never looked into it too hard, because I definitely couldn't afford it. I'm suffering from cancer, I have been for about 3.5 years now

 

[Suez]

Gosh your so young to have cancer, is it lymphoma? Its just i know a few people close to your age who have lymphoma. Your family must know that your sick tho right? Is i just that they dont know that your condition is terminal? It must make dealing with what you have so incredibly difficult.

 

[Soul]

I have a terminal disease and plan to die when I can't enjoy enough to make the daily struggle worthwhile. I have no parents or children to worry about, and I've pretty much always known I'll commit suicide, so really the illness just makes it easier for my friends to understand my decision.

It's a bit odd, and not what most people think of as suicidal: I'm not depressed, nor am I sorry I'll be dead soon. I'm sorry *you* will be, @GrowingPains; I'm way older than you and it doesn't feel as off kilter as someone your age having to die without it being your choice.
I'm sorry.
@Suez, thank you for sharing your experience with your mother.
(((Hugs))) to you both.

 

[GrowingPains]

Gosh your so young to have cancer, is it lymphoma? Its just i know a few people close to your age who have lymphoma. Your family must know that your sick tho right? Is i just that they dont know that your condition is terminal? It must make dealing with what you have so incredibly difficult.

No, they don't know I'm sick at all. Like I said, it is quite unique and tragic. It's not lymphoma. It is difficult, I've sort of bottled it up for a long time now rather than face it head on.

I have a terminal disease and plan to die when I can't enjoy enough to make the daily struggle worthwhile. I have no parents or children to worry about, and I've pretty much always known I'll commit suicide, so really the illness just makes it easier for my friends to understand my decision.

It's a bit odd, and not what most people think of as suicidal: I'm not depressed, nor am I sorry I'll be dead soon. I'm sorry *you* will be, @GrowingPains; I'm way older than you and it doesn't feel as off kilter as someone your age having to die without it being your choice.
I'm sorry.
@Suez, thank you for sharing your experience with your mother.
(((Hugs))) to you both.

Thanks for the kind words. While it is incredibly tragic, I'm with you. I've always known I'd CTB as well, despite having a relatively good life. It seems I've allowed the disease to manifest itself as a sort of passive suicide.

 

[yetme]

I'm here because of the illness too. I'm in so much pain due to my illness I can barely walk. I got SN a few days back, but my SI is too high. Can't talk myself into taking it. Life is so unfair... (

 

[GrowingPains]

I'm here because of the illness too. I'm in so much pain due to my illness I can barely walk. I got SN a few days back, but my SI is too high. Can't talk myself into taking it. Life is so unfair... (

I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you peace in wherever your journey may take you

 

[Suez]

No, they don't know I'm sick at all. Like I said, it is quite unique and tragic. It's not lymphoma. It is difficult, I've sort of bottled it up for a long time now rather than face it head on.

Thanks for the kind words. While it is incredibly tragic, I'm with you. I've always known I'd CTB as well, despite having a relatively good life. It seems I've allowed the disease to manifest itself as a sort of passive suicide.

How are you managing to keep it from them? You said youve had this terminal condition for 3.5 years, are you having no symptoms of your cancer at all? Thats incredible, I mean its gd news really for you isnt it that youve been symptom free for such a long time? How long ago did you have your chemo or radiation treatment becuase maybe just maybe things are turning a corner idk. Sorry I cant help being inquisitive, Im a Dr, so its in my nature unfortunately. I just think its amazing you havent had any observable symptoms for a long time. Thats kinda a rarity with cancer. I dont know how long its been since youve seen your specialist, i guess you must be seeing them all the time, what do they think? I wouldnt want to jump the gun at all as i dont know exactly what kind of cancer you have but being symptom free is a great thing for any cancer, so perhaps, depending on the treatment youve had, maybe things are turning a corner for you?? Is there a reason why you dont want to mention it to anyone? You say its difficult, why is it difficult for you? Maybe you do need to face things head on like you say..its amazing when we do things like that, sometimes things arent as unmanageable as we first think you know?